Last year, in September, I weighed 132 pounds. And in my opinion that was alot since I always wanted to look thin. I joined a gym and started working out, I changed my diet too. I currently weigh 113. 

HOWEVER. I don't see a change. Ever since I started to notice I didn't look any different, I started to obsess over my weight and my stomach especially. I obsessed over my stomach because I want a flat stomach. I don't like that it's so chunky and I can't believe what the scale has to say about my weight. I don't see myself as 113. I see myself as 132. Like from when I first started. 

One thing I have noticed is that when I weighed 132 I did not care about what I ate at all. 

Now that I am healthier I feel the need to count calories, even when I eat a single cracker. I feel the need to lift my shirt up every 10 minutes only to get upset at myself. I also feel the need to compare myself to other girls. In fact, every 5 minutes i grab a chunk of my stomach and I am disappointed.

As a kid, I was always the heaviest out of all my friends. I think about my weight so many times a day. It's a huge distraction. 

I tend to feel guilty when I eat something over 100 calories. As I am calorie counting, I tend to eat only 1200 calories a day. 

On Monday, I donated blood. Almost passed out, I had people constantly question my weight. I had people question me because they told me I did not look like I was able to donate. After I donated, I felt so hungry. I ate so much that day that I feel like guilt should eat me alive for eating so much. 

My diet consists of a cereal for breakfast, along with half a banana, for snacks I eat fruit and a granola bar, for lunch most likely a sandwich or a salad, and for dinner I usually have salmon or fish, or tofu. 

I want to know, why am I so obsessed with my weight? I eat healthy, I workout 5-6 days of the week for an hour- 2 hours, and I still have a belly, I am ashamed to wear a bikini to the beach. I never thought I would weigh 113. But I still seem very unhappy and talking about the issue to others puts me on an emotional level where I either start to tear up or I feel c**p.