I know it's long and you can skip through it. Please if you are going through this or can help me I'm so tired of feeling this way.
want to share my story to allow others to share in vivid detail, not hold back so we can all figure this out together. Often times we don't want to tell our friends and family due to fear of thinking we completely lost it and just embarrassment.
I have been on birth control for several years, got off the low-dose pill and got an IUD Skyla to be exact low hormones. Afterward (a month after) I decided yeah let me get it off was starting to feel off since I got off the pill and then I assumed it was the IUD. I got off the IUD and my world turned over from what felt like a "flat nonchalant" emotion turned until Anxiety/OCD. I would obsess and I mean obsessed about having intrusive sexual thoughts about people, or sexual memories anything remotely "horrible" that would be so bad and make me feel so guilty that I would have to confess to my boyfriend that I had an "inappropriate thought" this went on for months and then the more I feared it, the more the thoughts and the occurrence of the thoughts magnify. Now I'm overwhelmed with fear of having an inappropriate sexual thought and reacting physically to it, it makes me question myself. It literarily is ruining my life this anxiety and fear, it's like I wake up and I fear it that it becomes a self-proclaimed prophecy. A cycle that can't be broken, no matter how much I want it to go away.. (they were not all of sexual nature) some were just negative things about small things, about people, about my past, about being mean, doubting myself etc. Any thought that would be Negative, made me feel guilty, made me uncomfortable and made me do my compulsion of "confessing to my boyfriend" was triggered into my brain. It's as if my own brain was playing tricks on me, defeating me and if my own bully was my own head. It's like I was divided into two my self, trying to rationalize but consumed in fear/anxiety and constantly crying out of frustration and then the bully side of my brain that felt like a demon trying to break me down and sabotage my relationship with obsessive fear over bad thoughts and will duplicate maliciously those thoughts 24/7 morning to night. It's been over a year and a half..i'm still with my boyfriend and we have pulled through this really horrible phase I'm going to but I'm desperate for answers, help and just trying to fix it. I want to be back to how thing's were, well it would be better if I heal bc I feel like this has def something difficult to overcome and I will just appreciate life itself once it's over I have been feeling trap and I know this is something exhausting and troubling in our relationship. Even if I don't want to say it, or I hold in the thought or need to vent I get overwhelmed feel panicky,anxious, sometimes nauseous from the fear,debilitating fear, then I feel like I'm a fake girlfriend if I hide it and fake a smile, so I end up normally crying from the fact that im so frustrating. I was never like this and it's going to be two years and having this all day everyday is something inescapable and it starts kind of breaking you down. I feel stuck and I don't know how to rewind all the damage this anxiety has caused me, I want to be able to the person I was before and not keep going on this path and it's not something easy to deal with. My anxiety doesn't seem to affect anything but directly my relationship. I only have to vent to my boyfriend (I guess it's because I really care what he thinks for me, it's like every time I vent I need reassurance, its definitely a compulsion.) It's something that is difficult because it's not once or twice a day it's like ongoing through the day so the repetition gets exhausting for us. We are worn out but hopeful it will get better, I just feel like I have to fix this but have no answers. My anxiety attacks my relationship, it's like "what if he looks like someone from my past" "what if I kiss him and someone else pops in my head" etc. they DON'T all start with "what ifs" but they are negative, unwelcome and a lot of things trigger me.
From eating a fruit, to going to restroom, I even fear getting intimate or kissing my own bf. (Which I want to just hug him and be like before) This anxiety has killed my ability to do everything. I struggle with everything, everything triggers me even the TV. I try to sometimes deal with it but I feel like everything that once was so effortlessly is so OVERWHELMING and my head is on auto pilot (the bad part) ready to trigger me with a thought that would push me to anxiety. I already wake up drained to know the whole day I will be having intrusive thoughts that will overwhelm me with guilt and have me repeatedly 50x times a day confess to my boyfriend. This is not how thing's were meant to be.
I have tried therapy (recently) it's okay can't say is helping that much. I have also tried fluoxetine (generic for prozac) on 20mg,40mg and 60mg and another anti-depressant.None of it worked so they tapered me off and now I'm not on anything at the moment. The psychologist and psychiatrist diagnosed with me General Anxiety Disorder with tendencies of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder after stopping birth control a year and a half ago.
I have been having twitching on my toes for over a year and a half. Not sure if it's the anxiety. Had blood test done for almost everything, everything checks out normal.
I have no idea what's going on with me. I could go on for days with how my anxiety has halted my relationship and tried breaking me down with fear. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes my boyfriend tells me it's okay I don't have to tell him, sometimes he goes like okay please don't tell me it's enough for one day and he's supportive but my head when is in anxiety mode which is pretty much always doesn't think like stop it's like takes over 100% my fear. I don't want to keep like having to vent/seek reassurance and have all these thoughts but I really feel like have no control. It's like an impulse to do the compulsion to get rid of the guilt/anxiety etc. It's like I'm inside a maze with no way out. It's like the worst thoughts I can have whether its about boyfriend, my own parents, my boyfriend family and friends, or general thoughts sexual and non-sexual where it makes me feel like a terrible girlfriend...and break me to point of having to confess..or to confess right the minute as a compulsion(impulse) maybe its reassurance or idk maybe its that I'm so scared to have those thoughts that the fear and mental instability at moment triggers it. Even wanting to hug and cuddle my boyfriend and being sweet and romantic, the anxiety,fears just try to rob me off that happiness and trys to convince me that he reminds me of someone from my past, or something anything really anthing negative to kill mood and then I usually say something. -.-
8. It's so hard to just let these intrusive thoughts just flow away like clouds when they surface I go into internal fear, guilt, panic and checking how do I feel, am I reacting to this (if it's of sexual nature) if it's not of sexual nature I just wonder why is this happening. Is like I lost my ability of just being happy, positive and disregard the intrusive thoughts. I know random thoughts pop into everyone's head but these are more disturbing the more I fear them and anxious I get the worse they are and overpower me. It's hard to explain. It's like if intrusive thoughts were a wave before they would just be at my waist flowing and I would be in my own world ignoring and just enjoying the moment "the happy day" and now it's like I'm just in the ocean scared of a wave coming and every time they come it's like 8 foot waves and It defeats me. I feel like if I don't fix this my life will cripple down entirely I feel like I'm hanging on a thread I have been working so long to be in a happy relationship, graduate and all this is here and I can't seem to enjoy it. I often think if I continue like this what's going to happen to me. I refuse to give up my boyfriend just because my anxiety/ocd has taken over to sabotage and try to directly hurt me by the person I truly care about. It's so unfair how we must have to go through things like this. I just feel like I lost 70% of the girl I used to be because this has affected me so much. Medicine doesn't work, therapy is not helping, trying to let the thoughts go by doesn't help, trying not to think about it doesn't help, venting/confessing to my bf helps (temporarily) until the next thought or whatever appears. I'm at wits ends. I'm currently trying to take vitamins, eating a mix of organic and less meat/no soy or milk products and just writing online because honestly, that's the only thing I can do.
I'm going to do more testings including urine hormone test to see what might be going on and go to a naturopath. I will be updating you here but I really want to hear from everyone.
Has anyone experienced this? What has helped you? anyone overcome this?
I shared my story and look forward to reading your replies and future posts. I do believe hormones and mental issues share a connection. After all hormones and neurotransmitters on your brain go hand in hand.