How to handle vindictive husbands?

I think the best thing you can do is talk to him about how he hurts you when he doesn't get his way and to set firm boundaries. Would you leave him over this sort of behavior? Is it abusive or at least uncomfortable? In either case, you need to talk to him about it directly. And if you want to work on it, then you should try couples counseling because that would be best. Please keep us posted.

If he gets nasty when he doesn't get his way or doesn't agree with you and not at other times, it sounds like this is his way of controlling you and/or the situation. Tell him that this hurts you. I agree that you may need couple's counseling.

I highly suggest you get the book "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail," by John Gottman. It lays out certain situations and behaviors that provoke couples as well as ones that hinder relationships. You can't stop him from doing what he's doing; he has to do that himself. However, perhaps there is something in yourself that could be changed to help him understand you better, for you to understand him, so he doesn't fly off the handle, etc. This book has helped me tremendously not only in my marriage but in all my close relationships.

I don't know how much more I can take. I don't deserve this kind of disrespect or abuse

If the husband is abusive and is known for vindictiveness, couples or marriage counseling can be very risky for this man's wife. When she disagrees with him or he doesn't get his way in counseling, he will get her back either in the car on the way or or after they get home. Check out the National Domestic Violelece Hotline website. They and other sources recommend individual counseling until vindictive, nasty behavior is off the table, and his wife is safe from his meanness before joint counseling is tried. His choice of vindictive, nasty behavior is his personal problem not a marriage issue.