I was married for 16 years and am presently going through a divorce.I put myself in college because i was a stay at home mom,sunday school teacher dedicated wife and mother as many of you are fathers included.When i was younger i was in a very abusive relationship and the man i was with wrenched my neck often pulling my hair and dragging me around the house in such a way.I made it out of it alive..!!But it wasnt until i turned 36 that i realized the damage done to my neck...i am leaking spinal fluid into my canal...and i have a very conservative spine specialist who insists that surgery is my only option.I have given birth to 8 beautiful God sent children but i have a destroyed lower back from a motorcycle accident,abuse,and carrying a small baseball team of munchkins.When i started college ihad to carry my books and thought nothing of it...my neck always hurt especially when it rained about a7 on a scale from one to ten.My lower back causes numb butt cheeks,i have to sleep with my knee to my throat almost for relief of my siatic (sorry cant spell it)i also have the beginnings of drop foot in both feet and when my back goes out i like to call it furniture walking if i can even walk when it happens.Meaning i have to use the furniture to walk to the next piece of furniture etc to get around.I went to the doctor telling him for years i have had pain and about 5 good times a year my lower back just would give out...he sent me to a neorologist,then got mri,then off to pain management.I was in so much pain i would cry at night and couldnt get comforitable..thats when oxys came into my life..i took them with flexarile and was able to get the groceries out of the car..i bought a backpack with wheels and all seemed well....The first few times i took it ..it gave me such a euphoria as i was suffering from depression as well from the life altering matters of divorce spending nights away from the kids to share them and anxiety of being alone and all the nightmares a divorce gives.comfoting the kids,making sure they knew it was me and their dad and not their fault and all that goes into buffering the devistation divorce does to tender minded young ones...so here comes oxys with their euphoric mood lifting pain relieving back in the game of life relief ...so i thought...i noticed right away the stigma connected to it,the reaction of friends and family even when i told them surgery was being suggested and how truly iw as a wreck not in one part of my back but 2..i noticed i was starting to trip all the time and my friends started calling me lucy(lucielle ball) because i was becoming clumbsy..the grip in my right hand was week and i dropped glasses...one night i over slept...had an exhausting day before and it was a sat and kids even slept in...when i woke up i was having what i later learned was jimmy legs..where they tighten up real hard and then relax,i was so sick and nasueas,anxiety to almost a panic attack,cold then hot,and anyone who has been addicted knows there is still quite a list...i thoughti had the flu..and the panic attack well i suffer from anxiety my whole life but this was to the magnitude i had to call the ex and have him come over scoop up the munchkins and take them to micky D8s while i took my medicine and waited for it to kick in..he did and i was fine after words...i callled my doctor who said i was experienceing the beginning of a detox...i was floored..the beginnings...what the heck could come after that...!!!!i talked to him about my concerns and he said the advantages of the pain relief was the price i had to pay for the addicition...months later this drug owns me..you build up a tolerence so you take more..your doctor knowing youbuild a tolerence wont increase you for liablility so your pain meds now last 4 hours instead of 6-8 they say..im still in college and doing well but wheni run short like i do almost every m onth i run the rat race of trying to find replacement..and there are all kinds of laws and situations..i have alot to lose..i look into the eyes of my babies and wonder how did i get here...i try to wean myself of but cant lie i cant shake the need for the instant gradification of the opiate high..and pain relief..my self esteem is in the dirt,i feel selfish and dispicable..i have to take xanax and have for years for anxiety disorder i inherited...so running out of them is more dangerous then the opiates but the opiates are more painful..i stopped teaching sunday school not because i love the Lord any less but i feel unworthy....i ask God to help me and get all ready to try to kick it again but the withdrawals are maddening...im petrified of the surgery..my father has drop foot inone foot went for the surgery and now he still weras the funky plastic shoe insert,has pain and a horrifying scar down his back....and he had an addiction to the oxys but said he wouldnt let anything own him..and i am ashamed i am not as strong as he is.....addicted friends tell me H is cheaper and will not let me get sick..and isit here and wonder how in my right mind would i ever consider taking a street drug to bridge the gap from over taking the oxys...my pain doctor is pushing surgery and i told him i am scared to death i have to also quit smoking or i wont make proper replacement bone....i tried methadone and it worked but the doctor wont prescribe it to me..so i have to help myself...but thats no picnic getting off of either..i read alot on here about home remedies..and will be researching...does anyone else here feel as filthy as i do...i am in legitimate moderate to severe pain ..the guilt is coming from the compromising myself when i run out..the pawning of my flat screen once a month to pay for the doctors visit and then the kids i tell them its in the repair shop..my 10 year old is like every month...??hes no fool..all these years of teaching them to seek the truth learn them and burry them deep within your heart ..and i have turned into a liar,a hypocrite and an addict....i know God loves me but i feel i let him down too...i cant reach out to family as they are appaulled i am on them...and i am now the family drug addict....is there any other medicine out there that isnt addictive that will help..is there anyone out there that is as big a chicken as i am for surgery...has anyone thought of buying h because it is so much cheaper then replacing the meds...and i fear for myself at my choices i am making when i run out..but the medicine truly is only lasting 4 hours and my doctor admits that it happens but that he will not write more which i cant blame him but what good is a drug that slowly stops working,causes you addiction and slowly destroys you..i know this is a bunch a whining weak c**p..but it is 4:36 am and i feel scared,alone....this thing also gives me insomnia.....please let me know if there is anyone out there that not only struggles with the obvious addiction but does anyone suffer emotionally as well at the hand of this beast....I know God will see me through but the disgusting thing is my spirit wants to do the right thing..but this bag of flesh i drag around wants me to feed it more opiates and then the chickin shyte in me compromises the once woman of good character to make sure i dont have to face the withdrawals...i watched a you tube video on opiate withdrawals and i there are some really strong people out there..my mind and emotions are weaker then what my body can withstand..thanks for this forum letting me have a place to get this out ..wont sleep tonight but for some reason i found some comfort in just letting it out...God Bless to my new friend here...sincerely Katz
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First let me start by saying this is NOT whiney weak c**p. You clearly are not a bad person because you don't want to be on these drugs. My father has severe back pain usually resulting in him having to stop whatever he is doing and bear it. He also has used just about every opiate, narcotic (street and prescription known to man) He has had surgery for his lower back several times. We found out that it stemmed from a fracture in his spine when he was young. Two surgeries come to mind. First was when they pretty much cut him open and removed a few discs and replaced them with artificial cage like structure. I was afraid when this went on but that surgery alone relieved about 30% of his pain. The second was a surgery to insert a device within his back that attached to certain key nerves in his back that would not take away the pain, but would simply turn it into a fuzzy feeling. Technically it is a cybernetic implant and he likes to say that he's a cyborg. Either way, the surgeries work to an extent. You will always feel some pain. Paul mentions it as a thorn in his side. this one for you seems as though it may be a bit bigger thorn. My point is, in life, there will be pain. You have to ask yourself one question. Are you going to be in your body forever? The soul and spirit are the key parts to worry about. On the question about doing H... I suppose H mean Heroin. If you do that or switch to that, your making the problem you are faced with ten times more complicated and worse. The after effects and "highs" of heroin are far worse than any opiate. So if you think that coming off oxycontine or even oxycodone is bad... you haven't seen anything yet. So please... do not use Heroin.
Surgery is scary. Especially when faced with the types of surgery you must endure. Just think of this before you make any decisions; how would you like to be remembered? Your children and the extended family of the church, I would think, love you to death. They want the best for you. I read what you wrote and felt helpless and honestly wanted to give you a hug. I do not know you, nor can I honestly imagine the kind of pain or emotional stress you are going through... I can, however, empathise with you. I have known many people who have struggled with taking drugs whether it be prescription or street. I also have been a sunday school children's minister for 10 years... You love your kids, and I'm not only talking about the ones you gave birth to. that being said, I will give you advice as though you are right with me and are a member of my church seeing as we are all one in Christ. (and it does not matter how long you have been away from the church... you will always be a sister in christ.) here it goes.
Katz, I can understand how bad the pain is... but please, if the surgery has even a small chance of working, take it. Because the road your heading down right now is one that will lead straight to more pain than you can possibly bear. That being way worse than physical... I mean emotional and spiritual. Take the surgery. try to gradually ween yourself off the drugs back to a manageable amount. DO NOT take Heroin or any street drug... these are escapes to where you'll come back to reality and find the pain has worsened... it does nothing but make it worse. Think of your kids. Put faith in Christ and find people in church that will get down and dirty and help you fight this thing. This is a horrible monster that you should not face alone. Remember the scripture about the rope? a rope of a single braid is easily broken but a rope of 2 or 3 cannot be easily broken. endure this with faith in christ and the love of people and you will be so strong that nothing will be an obstacle. I have faith in christ... and you. Good luck. God's speed.
Love in Christ.
I hope this helps even a little bit. I know you can do it... Have faith in christ and yourself.
Surgery is scary. Especially when faced with the types of surgery you must endure. Just think of this before you make any decisions; how would you like to be remembered? Your children and the extended family of the church, I would think, love you to death. They want the best for you. I read what you wrote and felt helpless and honestly wanted to give you a hug. I do not know you, nor can I honestly imagine the kind of pain or emotional stress you are going through... I can, however, empathise with you. I have known many people who have struggled with taking drugs whether it be prescription or street. I also have been a sunday school children's minister for 10 years... You love your kids, and I'm not only talking about the ones you gave birth to. that being said, I will give you advice as though you are right with me and are a member of my church seeing as we are all one in Christ. (and it does not matter how long you have been away from the church... you will always be a sister in christ.) here it goes.
Katz, I can understand how bad the pain is... but please, if the surgery has even a small chance of working, take it. Because the road your heading down right now is one that will lead straight to more pain than you can possibly bear. That being way worse than physical... I mean emotional and spiritual. Take the surgery. try to gradually ween yourself off the drugs back to a manageable amount. DO NOT take Heroin or any street drug... these are escapes to where you'll come back to reality and find the pain has worsened... it does nothing but make it worse. Think of your kids. Put faith in Christ and find people in church that will get down and dirty and help you fight this thing. This is a horrible monster that you should not face alone. Remember the scripture about the rope? a rope of a single braid is easily broken but a rope of 2 or 3 cannot be easily broken. endure this with faith in christ and the love of people and you will be so strong that nothing will be an obstacle. I have faith in christ... and you. Good luck. God's speed.
Love in Christ.
I hope this helps even a little bit. I know you can do it... Have faith in christ and yourself.
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Hello heartbroken addict
I am a 38 yr old mother of 5, 2 are now out of the house but 3 more are still at home. 6 years ago I started out with lower back pain and what they thought was a torn rotator cuff. I have always pushed myself passed my physical limits, as a seamstress for 22 and 4 yrs of house keeping . Of course corporal tunnel syndrome. I was put on loratab. After 3-4 years they became week. Next a pain specialist, 30mg 3 x a day. Still lots of pain, lyrica (fibromaylisia) Med, which I was allergic to, my face swelled, along with my feet as they also became red. But the doc asked me to keep taking them, soon I became blind, finally I convinced her to remove me from the lyrica. But after 3 year's of seeing her, she couldn't seem to remember my allergic reaction to the lyrica or that I had ITP (which means I don't have enough platelets)
And she kept wanting to do things that would hurt me due to my ITP. So I switched pain docs. I was switched to savella for fibromelisia, oxycontin 15 mg 4 x a day. Over a period of a year or so it stopped working and now in more pain, switched tithe patch oxycodone along with the savella. I also have 3 bulgingdicks, #s 3,4,5 in my neck. One is so bad that's is deforming my spinalcord andOneof the nervescomingoff of it. It causes me much pain. surgerydue to my ITS leaves a very high chance of being paralyzed from the neck down. I can't even get a surgeon to consider doing it for me.
I am so tired of being dependent on medication, I am afraid of the pain of trying to quit, or if it's even a good idea. Tired of medsbeingin control of me.
I am a 38 yr old mother of 5, 2 are now out of the house but 3 more are still at home. 6 years ago I started out with lower back pain and what they thought was a torn rotator cuff. I have always pushed myself passed my physical limits, as a seamstress for 22 and 4 yrs of house keeping . Of course corporal tunnel syndrome. I was put on loratab. After 3-4 years they became week. Next a pain specialist, 30mg 3 x a day. Still lots of pain, lyrica (fibromaylisia) Med, which I was allergic to, my face swelled, along with my feet as they also became red. But the doc asked me to keep taking them, soon I became blind, finally I convinced her to remove me from the lyrica. But after 3 year's of seeing her, she couldn't seem to remember my allergic reaction to the lyrica or that I had ITP (which means I don't have enough platelets)
And she kept wanting to do things that would hurt me due to my ITP. So I switched pain docs. I was switched to savella for fibromelisia, oxycontin 15 mg 4 x a day. Over a period of a year or so it stopped working and now in more pain, switched tithe patch oxycodone along with the savella. I also have 3 bulgingdicks, #s 3,4,5 in my neck. One is so bad that's is deforming my spinalcord andOneof the nervescomingoff of it. It causes me much pain. surgerydue to my ITS leaves a very high chance of being paralyzed from the neck down. I can't even get a surgeon to consider doing it for me.
I am so tired of being dependent on medication, I am afraid of the pain of trying to quit, or if it's even a good idea. Tired of medsbeingin control of me.
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There are 2 different types of meds tog et off one is methadone & other is suboxone but you willl have to take eirther for 2 years or longer then weak down from those I went thur this after car wreck when I hit a 18 wheel head on broke my neck & bac in 2 place I started out on suboxone took it for about 7 months but it didnt work well & tasted bad it was a orange flavor you let disolve under your tounge & takes about 10 mins to full dissolve then I switch to methadone & it has changed my life Im bac to normal Ive been goin for a year & half I was goin to start goin down nov 2 but found out Im pregnant so now i have to stay on it till IM done breast feeding or I will loose the baby so Im getting close doctor care from a few doctors and specialist so every is ok so far. They also have other med to give baby one it born so it wont be sick. Look online & look for local clinic around you pill addition is one the the #1 diseases in the world for the past 3 years & its one of the world worst drugs to get stuck on. I know the feeling you feel like you dont have anyone to turn to cause eveyrone talks bad about everyting & says jus stop but the witdraw is so bad an when u have kids you have to take care of you cant be sick!
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I feel your every word,I was married 23 years and lost it all .I am now sitting in my apartment in schenectady n.y. I have no nymo its been shut off ,so I'm sitting here in the dark with candles going through withdrawls.in the morning I have a job interview and don't think I'm gonna feel good enough to make it.I have 5 dollars to my name and I'm 3 months behind on rent.I've hit rock bottom and I sit here wondering if I should trade this tablet for a few pills but instead I end up feelin sorry for heartbroken addict please prayer is the only reason I believe I'm alive so I ask you all pray for me and I'll pray for you's God bless you all
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fheartbroken addict and eli173
i'm so very sorry to hear of your troubles....at the same time, i'm so relieved to hear that i'm not the only one going thru this agony. i am a 44 year old fairly bright mother of 3. i have worked since i was 18 and i guess i must have always thought i was better than anyone who ever had an addiction. funny how God can put you in your place, isn't it? i have now had a full blown addiction to hyrocodone for about 7 years, with it getting worse the last 3 years or so. i have legitimate neck problems and have already had one surgery and they are talking about another one. as much as i would like to have this pain alleviated, i think, "then they won't give me my pain pill." how pitiful is that?! i never drank much, never smoked pot, anything until the last several years. now i take my prescription and anybody elses that i can get. i can't hardly look my husband, my kids, my parents, my friends, or anybody else, including myself, in the eye. and, like heartbroken, i know that God can forgive me but in reality, i don't feel like i am worthy of even asking for his help with this. i am prone to depression anyway-have been on antidepressants for years, and the withdrawals terrify me. i seem to be able to deal with the physical side of wd (kinda). but emotionally, mentally, it's gets bad.....really bad. all i seem to be able to do is cry and think about ending it all. i live in a very small town. because of that and needing to work, i don't feel like i can go to rehab. i don't think i can do this all by myself, cold turkey, either. every time i run out and can't find any, i go thru this. i'll think this time i will be strong and not go back on them. then as soon as they are available, i'm right back where i started from. i never thought that i would be this person that i have become. i don't wanna do this anymore!!! but i don't think i'm strong enough to keep from it. please, please, please pray for me. i will pray for you all. i took my last one at eight o clock last night. it's gonna be a very bad weekend:) if anyone has any suggestions, please, i need all of the help that i can get. God bless
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If you are an addict or are suffering from withdrawal and need help...I HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend that you give Kratom a shot. Now don't get me wrong as with all substances this substance can be abused just like any other opiate... it's really up to you, though whether or not you use Kratom in a way that will benefit you in the long run. But Kratom is very useful at keeping withdrawal symptoms from the hardest opiates(even black tar heroin)at bay.
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Opioid tolerance, dependence, and addiction are all manifestations of brain changes resulting from chronic opioid abuse.
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