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My husband and I are 2 weeks shy of our 10 year wedding anniversary.  I've known him since high school and he was my best friend for years.  I've always known he was diagnosed with Bi-Polar, but he always seemed to have good control over it until he drank.  I have never given an ultimatum except for once and that was the first new years after my daughter was born.  He put me on such an emotional roller coaster that night and completely ruined the holiday for me.  I told him he either quite drinking or would lose me.  He quit.  We ended up getting married, he joined the military, blew his responsibilities after I uprooted my entire life to follow him.  Instead of leaving, I stayed and supported my husband.  Got no recognition for that.  We moved back to where I was born and raised.  Since moving back and in a matter of 4 years he got laid off once, then lost 3 jobs afterwards due to too much talking, not meeting performance, insubordination to his boss.  Each job loss created more and more depression.  He began drinking again which I pointed out as a problem.  He stopped again.  His moods are up and down.  I still stayed and supported.  When he was hurting, I provided comfort.  I would specifically go home from work and point out every single thing he did and complimented him on it to try and boost his self worth.  When he was upset, i would try and talk with him.  When he was down, I would try to lift him up and talk him up really good to try and motivate and get him to see what I thought I had saw.  Again, all this massive support (when I'm sure any other woman would have left a long time ago) and not one ounce of recognition.  When we fight, everything is turned around onto me.  I am very big on communication as I believe it is an essential tool in marriage.  He does not communicate.  He uses the excuse that he doesn't "feel safe" talking to me.  So I made it a priority to provide a "safe" environment for him to talk.  He chooses not to.  I have googled and brainstormed and come up with so many suggestions on how to help us in our marriage...to which he shows no appreciation for and does nothing to help.  It is extremely one sided.  But again, everything gets turned back around onto me.  I am not perfect and make more mistakes than I care to admit.  But it doesn't get any more supportive and nurturing than I have been.  I try to express to him when something his hurting, upsetting or frustrating me (as I should be able to).  He immediately gets defensive, turns it around on me.  Within the last year alone, the hurtful things that have come out of his mouth are unbelievable.  I'm told all this within the last year:  that he only initially married me because he felt obligated because I was a single mother (even though he came to me and said he wanted me and wanted my child.  I was told that I haven't sexually satisfied him in over 12 years (I am infertile and was told I went into menopause at the age of 20 and that my hormones/reproductive parts are that of a 50 year old woman).  I was told that having sex once a week is not good enough for him.  I was told that sex is the only thing that makes him feel like a man.  I was told that all my compliments, appreciation of what he does, and my support really meant nothing to him.  I was told that he knows he loves me but "thinks" he is in love with me.  I was told that he didn't care and didn't want to hear about my feelings.  He says he is willing to see a therapist, but has made no efforts to find out...it's all been me.  He unfortunately has no insurance right now for therapy or medication, so I provided him with several resources to look into for help with that, to which he did nothing.  He and my 12 year old daughter are constantly budding heads because my husband is extremely immature and of course my 12 year old can have an attitude....but their relationship is so bad to the point where he has made her feel like suicide is her only answer...on more than one occasion.  I am of course immediately on top of it as I have a great relationship with my daughter, but when I mentioned this to him, he couldn't take himself away from the tv long enough to pay attention.  then played it off like it was no biggie....then after i told him that he has made her feel this way more than once, he still said nothing...didn't even bother to ask what i had been talking to her about...nothing.  there's no co-parenting, pure selfishness, the inablity to see how his actions effect others, no communication and no real action taken to fix anything, turns everything around onto others, makes excuses, refuses to own or take responsibilities for his actions and doesn't even bother to acknowledge all the c**p I have had to put up with for all these years.  I am no peach and make lots of mistakes....and I have my own flaws that I see a therapist to work on.  But I'm a damn good wife and it will never get any more supportive than me.  I'm desperately looking for advice here.....am I fighting for nothing here?

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Oh, yes, I live with that situation too. I feel more like a caretaker of a spoiled child than relationship. I can only think that, is miserable it is to live with such a person at times... it must be even worse to be that person.

 

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Truthfully, I don't think he's going to change at his age unless a miracle happens. It's either you live with this for the rest of your life and make your child suffer or end it. Now I know it's tough since you love him and all, I think you should seek a relationship counselor.
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