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I'll start by saying that I know that this is INCREDIBLY long, I've rewritten this loads for a few different forums but I have so much on my mind and I can't figure a way of rounding off the story and what's on my mind. I have a lot of trouble talking in person about my feelings without breaking down and I haven't even told my closest friends or family about the whole situation. I find it easier to confide in these forums where people understand the emotional and mental situations and have an anonymous and unbias opinion and advice. So I really really appreciate anybody that takes the time to read through the post in any aspect and can offer any advice.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years and we're both 22. We've known each other since we were 13 and had always been best friends, really close, sat together in all classes and always talked. But we were never more than friends throughout that time until I left for Uni and came back for the summer after first year, and then we began an incredible relationship where everything worked and instantly close because of our history; she even told me that she loved me on the third day and that she always had but didn't want to ruin our friendship. Our first year together was long distance whilst I was back a Uni and she moved up to be with me after that. Everything was incredible and we were so close and I know she's my soulmate because we just know eachother so well and I don't know anything else but loving her, everything is so hard to explain but I just feel it and can't imagine feeling this way for anyone else.

 

But she ended our relationship 3 weeks ago in the middle of the night whilst we were in bed in the oddest way. She was lying down texting away on a Blackberry so the key presses were loud and the screen was bright; I was coming down with flu, it was midnight and I'd already been in bed since 9pm straight from work. I asked her if she could not text if she's going to bed because it was making my headache worse, and she flipped out and told me that she didn't want to be with me and went into the other room and slept there. I came down with really bad flu and was pretty much bedridden and whilst I thought about it non-stop and was confused and crushed, I didn't have the energy to try and talk about it. I just ignored it because we were still on speaking terms and she was still looking after me. From that point things seemed to get normal between us at home and she was cuddling up to me and even kissing me occasionally but still making it clear verbally that we weren't together. But she had never been able to talk to me about it up until this point, she'd just get angry and frustrated and tell me to leave her alone because she doesn't want to talk about it, all she let me know was that she needed space to figure things out.

 

So for the Easter Holiday she decided to go back home from Friday to Wednesday, and I told her to have fun and told myself that I would give her space. But the next night she started texting me till she went to bed and then first thing in the morning she was texting me, then she video called me on FaceTime when she was in the bath. We spoke later that evening but then the day after she began to get cold with me and distancing herself; she stopped texting and when she did the conversations were short and cut by excuses like "My battery is dying" yet she is still on WhatsApp every 10 minutes and stuff like that. But I let her have space. Then she put cryptic statuses on Facebook like "So over it." and "The less I care the happier I am". But then she came back on Wednesday night and she came home and came straight over and cuddled up to me on the sofa and started showing me pictures of her weekends and telling me stories. That night we went to bed and didn't cuddle because she was in a bad mood but throughout the night she came over into my arms and then we talked a little and she told that she missed me all week.

 

The next day I finally got her to sit down and talk to me about everything. She told me that she still loves me and that she is having a bi polar episode and she is just confused about what she wants and she isn't sure whether she wants a relationship or what and she doesn't know how long it's going to last. Which I have seen since we broke up, her moods have been all over the place, she's been out drinking a lot more for no reason at all then crying and talking about wanting to kill herself. And she's had episodes before, first time was when I first moved back to Uni when we'd been together for 3 months. She would just cut me off and not answer calls, then be crying and talking about killing herself and it went on for a month and then she told me one day she was just randomly coming to see me (which I think was when she was trying to break up with me). This was sporadic throughout our long distance relationship, then there was the episode when she first moved in with me because she was missing her family. She also used to suffer badly with it before I went to Uni (from what she said) up to the point where we got back in contact, but told me that she was told what she had by a doctor and prescribed drugs that she declined. But this episode isn't as bad as the other, she's still talking about killing herself occasionally and just states where she's irritable, completely miserable or really excited. I don't know a lot about bi polar disorder but from what she's told me and things I've looked up, I try my best to be there for her and slowly I always seem to help settle her mood for a brief time. She told me that she didn't want me to wait for her because she didn't know how long she'd feel like this for, but I told her that I wouldn't be able to help but wait because I love her so much and there won't be anyone the way I love her, and if I had to there may be other people but I couldn't feel the same love I feel for anyone else that I have for her. She broke down into tears in my arms saying that she felt bad and I reassured that it isn't her fault how she feels and that atleast she was honest; I just need to know what I can do to help and work it out because I love her. But she said she doesn't know and she is confused and went in to the bedroom crying. But then I went to see her and make her feel better and we went to bed cuddling.I was still a little confused at this point because she's had episodes before and I don't understand if she loves me and I love her why we can't work it out. Which leads me on to my paranoia that there is someone else. She's always texting but she has a lot of friends and I've always got that, and she does get one with men better and has a lot of male friends because she works in a sales job, and I understand that she's flirty always has been since school and I have always been. But she texts a lot and she gets very secretive when she texts and the times I've managed to peek over I've seen this guys name "Sham" from work, she seems to be texting him a lot. But it isn't just texting that I have to add up my suspicions there's a lot, for example since about January she's been going to the cinema with work friends but in that group there was a guy called "Sham" who is her manager and a different guy, heavily Islamic and 10 years old than her and the kind of guy you wouldn't worry about, so I accepted that occasionally they just went. Now I'm thinking what if this whole time she was tricking me when it was actually the guy she was texting. Also she started becoming close friends with this girl from work and they were texting a lot and going out for drink. There was this time about a week after we broke up when she went and stayed over at her friends but the next day I asked her where the hair brush was and she told me in her bag that she took over and I go to get it and find sexy lingerie. She was on her period at the time but it just didn't make sense why she had that to take to her friends, and I couldn't help but ask but I tried to be genuine and not interrogate her just let her know that it's odd that I saw that. She got angry which is fair but I wasn't snooping and told me it was just there because she didn't know what was in that bag; though I dont know why that'd be in there at all because we never travelled anywhere where we needed it. But either way I have also asked her if there is anyone else specifically this guy because I've seen her texting him a lot and she said there wasn't and that she doesn't want another relationship. Again we went to bed and cuddled all night, and we talked a little and she told me if she ever wanted to be back in a relationship then it would be with me.

 

As you tell by this stage I'm losing it because I'm nearly 3 weeks in and I've gotten a bit more closure but it doesn't make sense because we still loved eachother and it sounds like the issue is something that can be fixed. On Friday she was awake at 6am with a kidney infection and I helped her get back to sleep before I went to work and when I came back she was in a very irritable mood but we spent a little time together, but the whole time she was texting away even though I'd just gotten in. So I asked her if she was texting him again, which caused an argument with her saying "What does it matter we're not together" and then she stormed off to the doctors. She returned and agreed to talk with me and I got the same explanation but this time I was told that that "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and that the relationship hasn't been the same since. Which I can agree that since I graduated and got promoted at work I am working all the time, and I'm tired when I get in so sometimes I do just crash in front of the TV and times where I tried to spend with her she is in the middle of something like watching one of her programs and she says I'm interrupting. Problem was that I was barely there and she always was, so when I'm busy she's not and when I get free time I just like to relax between not working or going to the gym. But at the same time we weren't distant all of the time, there would be a few evenings where we were and then others where we had quality time and we occasionally went out and I made the effort for special occasions, we'd always text and when she'd go back to London she always missed me. There was never a moment where she seemed out of love everything is just so sudden. Again I asked her about someone else just because I can't put a reason to any of this because following what she says is just so sudden and I don't understand why we can't work it out. But again I get the same responses. She wanted to nap because she was in pain due to her water infection again so I let her and went and saw my friends who were up from London, then I get a text a few hours later if I wanted to come to the club with her and her friend (who is pretty much mutual) and I said if she wanted me to and then when I told her my friends didn't want to come she told me that it'd be awkward. So again I just let her go out and told her to have fun. When I come back shes all dressed up looking incredible and she's just leaving with her friend. But whilst she went out I did the stupidest thing and I feel so awful for doing it and it's really wrong but I had a few beers at the time and couldn't help myself at all. I used her laptop which has no password and went on her Facebook messages and there was just a message from the same time she left that just wasn't right and it just brings me back to the same conclusion I had with the texting. But this was even more secretive and confusing. It was from a guy called "Aman" who is again from work and you check the profile, my girlfriend and him aren't even friends on Facebook and they have one mutual friend; the guy she's been texting all the time. Then the messages don't add up either, the first one was from him saying;"Hey it's me, you still awake and alone ? My texts and whats app ain't work x"Which makes me think that "Hey it's me" is saying that it's the guy she's been texting and given that she doesn't have the guy from the messages on Facebook and they share one friend in common and also he has the exact same profile picture as the guy she's been texting. Also again not to throw judgement but in a normal situation this guy is just another guy from work that I wouldn't worry about and trust her over. It doesn't make any sense otherwise. Then she messages back;"I'm on my way out to the Skydome, don't worry I'm not drinking x"Which is as if she's confirming to him not to worry, it's the kind of thing she used to say to me. Again this makes no sense given the it says she is messaging. But then it gets worse, he replies with;"Wait come home with me and get your uniform"Which says a million things to me. Like it could mean come back to mine after and get the uniform you left here (which I dont think is the case because she has two set of uniform which are both here). Or it could mean (which I only found out this morning when she came home) to pick up her new t shirt uniform for the sale because this guy she texts is a team leader at her job. That or it's meant to mean come home with me and bring your uniform. Either way its not the uniform that bothers me, it's the whole come home with me thing. It makes it so clear that there's no way it could be the guy she's actually messaging on Facebook but the guy she's texting. And overall it feels like this confirms what I was thinking. The rest of the messages were just about him coming out to the club as well. I know I'm an absolute id**t for even doing this, not only is it tormenting me it's so invasive to her and I'll never ever be able to question it because it breaks the trust and will push her away for good. But I just don't really understand and I just want the clarity. Then finally she came home this morning at 8:30am and I woke up, I didn't sleep well naturally because part of me was paranoid when she wasn't back after 4am when all the clubs were closed and also because I was genuinely just worried because she went out with one friend who lives on a different side of town, so I was concerned with her getting back alone so late. But at the same time I couldn't bring myself to text her because I didn't want to look insecure and get in the way of her night out, so I let her be and have the space and enjoy herself. She came back and talked to her about how her night was rather than heading into a concrete wall with the interrogation questions and she seemed so happy again and she clearly hadn't been drinking (Which she couldn't really because she's on tablets for her water infection) and she explained that she was out in the club and once that closed she and her friend went to the casino next door which I've been to and know is open till 6am then she said she went back to her friends for a bit. Which is impossible to question without sound like an absolute id**t and pushing her away. So I said nothing at all and just made sure she had a good time and asked her about her night like always, plus it wasn't like I was going back to bed since she keeps to bedroom light on to get ready for work in the mirror like always so we just talk. Then she left for work and kissed me on the lips and I asked her what that was for? and she said "Because I love you". That morning I did somethng even more stupid and went on her emals because I found that they were still logged in on my laptop and I don't know what I was looking for but what I saw hurt. She had emailed herself a picture from that night with that guy that she's been texting and they were stood up cuddling, again to over analyse it she looks like she's leaning out of it and she doesn't have her arms around him. In my mind I know it could be nothing just friendly but then if it meant to nothing why would she go out of her way to email it from her phone to herself, and everything just adds up because it's always this guy in everything that I find out. Like if this was a picture with any other guy then I wouldn't even second guess it but it's him and it just goes with everything else that drives me nuts.

 

Then finally this weekend she has gone home again for a couple of days for a job interview and I wanted to leave her alone just because I've been on her case a little much for answers so I wasn't going to text her so I went back home too to hang out with my guys and watch the big wrestling event; but again she texted me throughout the evening a few times and each time I talked to her by tried not to be over the top and try and hold a conversation all the time, but she was asking me stuff about my interests and not stuff that she was particularly interested in. The next day she tweeted me something interesting she read about bi-polar and it felt like she wanted me to know because she wants my help. Then later on I text her just to say good luck with her interview and she got back to me saying she never went because she went to the hospital with her Nan for important results, and I asked if they were both ok and she just shut me out again. So I've given her some more space. 

 

To be honest I am crushed and destroyed, but that's a given after how long I've know her and everything we've been too. But I am failing to understand the whole situation which is driving me insane and paranoid, and I'm doing really stupid things now. Part of the issues is because I really cannot tell whether this really is the bi-polar episode she is having or if this is just our relationship breaking down.  I can see what she is going through because she is showing all of the things I've read over the years that show an episode; one moment she's doing great she's happy and in a great mood even with me but then the next she's irritable with me and snappy, then she'll get cold which always seems to be when we are separated. She's drinking a lot, the whole weekend she was away and then she's down the pub all the time with her best friend when she used to drink only when she was going out (which was usually only for occasions). Then I've seen her depressed episodes where she just lies in bed or in the bath just sad, then talking about killing herself and I do what I can for her but sometimes I get shut out.

 

Sometimes I feel like she's forcing herself to shut me out and from what've read that seems pretty traditional so to say with break ups. To be fair I've read about 30 topics about the same thing and they seem to follow the same suit as mine. I am just having a real time to distinguish whether this is her bi-polar episode completely causing her to lose all ideas of her future and want to change path or if it is because she's met someone knew. But then I don't understand why this time she is shutting me out when throughout the last episodes when we've been together she didn't want my attention but it helped her and I can still see it this time, when she's depressed I can spend an hour around her and she gets better and we hang out again like normal as if we were still together, like always but this time she seems to want to cut me out and just doesn't want to be with me. And if there is someone else whether she met them first or is turning to them whether or whether no the bi polar is to blame, I just don't know how anyone can do for her what I did because when we were together it was always great, and I know her better than anyone and I have done for the past ten years and we've been together through everything and we just connect effortlessly. This is all just so sudden and I look back at our texts and it all started at the beginning of March, we were great as usual before and had a great Valentines and were connecting and close then around the start of March she just seemed to grow a little distant. But again this isn't something I'm proud of but that seemed to be when the episode was starting because I saw google searches in her history around this time. 

 

I just don't know what to do next I want to give her space to breath and figure it out, and from what I've read it's the best thing for someone going through an episode. I hate talking about it with her and asking questions but I can't help but have questions because I don't understand how this broke down and she seems so over me at times after everything we've been through and how this is just instantly over and she doesn't want to work it out. I hate texting her because I always feel like I bother her but I can't help but want to care for her and help her through. I want to give her space and I manage to at times but this is so hard for me because part of me looks at everything as if this has nothing to do with bi-polar and she's just given up on us or me someone new or both; which kills me and is so hard to understand. But then at the same time I've seen her episodes and I've read so much before and recently where this break up make sense because of her mindset during an episode. Overall I know I have to give her space so she can breath and think, decide what she wants and maybe even miss me a little. But  I'm scared that if I do that I lose her for good and that she may even fall into this other guys arms. 

 

I really need some advice from someone who knows about bi-polar and can help me understand, and help me understand if everything she is doing is because of how her manic episodes have her reacting or if it's just because of me. I just don't want to make a permanent decision that changes the rest of my love life and potentially causes me to lose her if there is something I can do.

Thanks

Dan

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Hi Dan


My boyfriend has by-polar and it is very hard to keep up with him on how he's feeling and how I can help him but I can honestly assure you that the whole break up thing is because she thinks if she dosent end it you will because of her problem my boyfriend is the same way and as for this other guy she is not cheating she is mearly using him as her own personnel councilor because she feels that you are to close and the things she is feeling will upset you greatly I suggest that you just go along with her moods but always show her your there for her thats the best you can do in these situations and as for her drinking she feels that's the only way to release her issues you could try getting her to try something other than drinking

I wish you all the best in your relationship anymore questions about it just ask :)
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I know this reply is most-likely too late, but I'm still gonna post something in respond to your situation. Its very natural to feel concerned, paranoid, and even like your being a big bother to your girlfriend but I think because of the bi-polar episodes, you feel like she needs your support and space which is very understandable but I say you should confront her about who all these people are, whether they're just friends, work-mates, or like the other person said, her counsellor, it's best to clear any negative emotions about these people off your chest. In case you already didn't know the different types of bi-polar, I've just listed them from a source;

Bipolar I

Individual’s mood swings move across the mood scale encompassing both manic episodes and depression.

Untreated, manic episodes generally last three to six months.

Depressive episodes last rather longer – six to 12 months - without treatment.

Bipolar II

Individuals experience a prevalence of depression. Likely to have more than one episode of severe depression, and the majority of individuals with Bipolar II will experiencehypomania(6to 8 on themood scale)rather than extrememanic episode (8 to 10 on the mood scale).

Mixed State

Symptoms of mania and depression are present at the same time, which may result in agitation, trouble sleeping and significant change in appetite, psychosis and suicidal thoughts.

Rapid Cycling

This occurs when individual’s mood swings change faster. More than four mood swings happen in a 12-month period. Rapid Cycling affects around one in ten people with bipolar, and can happen with Bipolar I and II

Cyclothymia

Individuals experience mood swings but at a much lower level. Symptoms must last for a period of at least two years, with no period longer than two months in which there has been a stable state and no mixed episodes. Although individuals diagnosed with cyclothymia are on the bipolar spectrum, the relative mildness of the mood swings means you are not diagnosed with bipolar. However cyclothymia can develop into bipolar.

Next time, she invites you out, I think you should take the opportunity to get to know her and her friend's better with the kind of people she likes to surround herself with. I know people who are so depressed, they either self-harm, are suicidal, have a very mild case of schizophrenia or even attempted actual suicide. (But don't worry, they've got extreme help and heavy support) So your girlfriend's depressed side is almost nothing compared to the extreme cases. But if it ever worsens, I suggest you confront her family, friends and especially herself and offer professional help. It may piss her off and may even bring out the worst in her but it could make the biggest difference. I also suggest, you guys spend at least a month away from each other just to clear your heads and you should allow yourself more leisure time and like I said before, spend more time with your girlfriend and get to know the people she's being surrounded by.
Hope this helps even in the slightest:)
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I just want to say I know how painful your relationship has been I fell in love with a lady and we got along great until 3 weeks ago. She did the same thing everything was fine then she blew up over something simple. She said she would not move in with someone she could not trust and had deceived her. She is bipolar and not on meds for over 3 years. I just want to say that I love her with all my heart but I do not think they can be in healthy relationships she pushes me away and does not want to be touched all though she was the most passionate person before. It is a very sad mental illness they need medication and therapy just like a diabetic needs insulin. I pray she gets help everyone deserves peace and happiness I think they believe they do not deserve it. Most people that suffer with a mental illness have come from chaos and abuse or have had horrible things happen to them as children which would split a healthy mind. I have deep compassion for all people that suffer from mental illness but they can get help and live a functional and healthy life. Good luck in all you do. Remember you can not fix her you can only help yourself but you can be a friend for her to lean on and I know that is so hard like I said I loved so many things about my partner there is so much good in her I wish her happiness and am willing to walk beside her but she has to want the help.
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bi polar is a mood swing its very rare for guys but uncommon for girls so i suggest that you keeo him safe and keep the depressing stuff away and just keep him happy.
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Let's just pretend for a moment, that she isn't bipolar. She sounds like a 22 year old who doesn't really know what she wants. Like most people that age, she probably doesn't know if she's ready to settle down. Even if she isn't cheating (I have no idea whether she is or not) she may want to go out and have fun and feel single. If you are all that she has known, then she may think there is stuff she's missing out on. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad because I know that you're either feeling bad about not being a bar for her to party in or feeling like you want to be her counselor (you're not licensed or qualified) you cannot be her counselor. You will drive yourself up the wall trying to figure her out. She needs a counselor- one with great success rates- to help her. She also has to be willing to accept the help (applies to everyone, not just people who are bipolar) in order to make any changes herself. YOU CANNOT LOVE HER TO HEALTH. If she has a chemical imbalance in her brain, then yes sometimes you can give her a rush of those wonderful feelings that every human needs and comfort her, but she will stuff cycle between highs and lows and you will be worn out after a while. She will also be missing out on the real help that she should be getting from a professional. I understand when people don't want to take meds but she should get some cognitive behavioral therapy if nothing else. 

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