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I really hate posting this, because, well, some of you I'm sure have seen my posts, and my alias is "babyblues". My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for the last four months, but that has been put on hold. This Saturday, I looked through my husband's phone and found that, once again, he was having cybersex online. This is the THIRD time I have caught him (in a year), and after the second, I really thought it would end. The first time was absolutely devasating...it was right before our 1 year Anniversary. I found pictures of girls on his phone, pictures that he had sent out (which included my daughter), saw his online profile of "not Married", along with a bunch of other lies, and the chats with some of the girls; he even had been texting girls that he met online and they had his phone number. The second time I caught him I was pissed....I let him have it. I should have gotten the internet removed from his phone then, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and kept it on there because he used the GPS for work. But, I just have been suspicious and my mind/heart could not rest until he didn't have the Internet on his phone any longer; so, I cancelled it a few weeks ago, but we will have it until our next billing cycle on Dec. 11. This past weekend, found out he was doing it again. Now I am just numb to the situation. I'm not sure how to go from here. It is right before our daughter's 4th bday and xmas, so I don't want to kick him out. Obviously, he won't be able to do it anymore because he won't have internet after the 11th, but that doesn't make everything OK. He betrayed my trust, not once, not even twice, BUT THREE TIMES! Before the first time I caught him, I would have never thought or imagined him doing that to me. I know he loves me, but I cannot live a lie and I cannot live the rest of my life feeling like I am not enough for him or eventually he will stray or just up and leave me for some internet s***k. We don't even have a home computer, and at the rate things are going, we may never have one. I mean geez, you think the chatting is bad on cell phones...he hasn't even had a taste of what he could find on the "real" internet.

Side note: He compared his "chatting" to me having a Facebook profile. I told him "The main difference between me and you is the fact that you could get on my FB page/profile anytime/anyday, look at anything you wanted, message my friends, look at my pics, and you wouldn't find one situation where I have even come close to betraying you. You have shared your sexual fantasies with these women and lied and said you weren't married. Every single one of my FB friends knows about you and how much I love you and our family." He just hung his head after that.

I just don't know what to do. The only person that knows about this is my bestfriend. She is like my sister. She told me to just get through the holidays and then decide. I don't want a divorce (maybe I do). I guess some counseling is in store...I just don't feel like this is something I need counseling for. He has a problem. I know, for a fact, that I am an awesome wife. I'm not sure what more I could give, and if some counselor is going to tell me I'm not satisfying his needs is just a crock. I bend over backwards for him. We have been together for almost 7 years and we still have sex atleast 3 times a week. I send him pics out of the blue...I will text him here and there...anytime he is wanting a little "sexting" I give it to him. Not to mention everything else I do for him and our daughter. This man has got it made...and you can ask any one of my friends OR his friends and they will tell you.

PS When I ask him why he does it, he says for the "excitement".

I just need some advice? Anyone been through this before? Help :-(

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Hi honey! I just asked my husband why HE did this, and his reply was "It was exciting and I wanted to see what else was on there" I mentioned to him about your husband doing chats and texts and his reply was "That's a TOTALLY different thing, that's cheating!" So out of the mouth of another man and husband honey! That is what I was going to tell you! "He IS cheating on you!" No if's or buts about it!

Like I have told many other men and women on here and in my group of friends, IF an "indescretion" happens ONCE then it was a mistake and CAN be overcome! 2nd and 3rd time then it's PERSONAL! HE already knows that this has hurt you, but he is SO narcisitic that he continues to do it - regarless of what you say or do! This ISN'T your fault, and you CANT push him to make the decision to cheat! I

I saw a tv anchor (or something like that) mentioning "WHY would Tiger Woods cheat on his BEAUTIFUL Wife?!!!!" That enraged me, so my LOUD reply to the tv was "So if she was ugly, then she should be expected to be cheated on?!!!!!" Right? Why does ANYONE regardless of sex, size, color, attractiveness etc etc etc DESERVE to be cheated on, and be shown ZERO respect! That is what this is ALL about, the TOTAL lack of respect from your husband towards you and his family!

You wont make it through the holidays honey, I promise you that! This will eat you up! I call it "Getting my day in court!" So I can't tell you to kick him out or not! All I know is that you HAVE to show him that there isn't a tommorrow or a Chirstmas, there is TODAY!! And Right now is important! Not January 2nd! the longer you take it the longer he will give it! It's NOT about "excitement" it's about NARCISIM!!! Plain and simple!

So now it's time for you to be "selfish" and take care of YOUR needs and your daughters needs, and put both of you first and him last - as he has done! Believe in yourself honey, and KNOW there is NOTHING you could have done or not done to force him to be SO selfish and PIG like!

Much hugs to you, and if you need to talk I'm usually on here! Good luck and health honey!
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User avatar
Health Ace
6885 posts
You say he has a problem, but you certainly have a problem there too. You are never going to feel like you can trust him. Counseling may help you understand it better so you can feel better about whatever decision you make.

You said at the beginning that he was sending girls pictures out, including your daughter. Then you said your daughter is only 4 years old. What kind of pictures? That sounds baaaad.

I'm worried about the "sexting" you do with/for him. If you are sending him pictures of yourself, who else might be enjoying those? Do want his friends and their friends sharing those?
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Thanks bambi. You are right! and I feel that way too. We actually "talked" last night a little about it, but somehow, it just kept coming back to me and how I don't show enough affection and he doesn't feel like we are even a couple, etc., etc. Just a crock really. I can understand that affection gets put off to the side sometimes. I mean we both work full time, plus the duties of parenthood, doesn't make a lot of time for affection. He told me that it should have changed after the first time he did this to me. And, I, being the good wife I am started doing little things like sending him pics and trying to cuddle, but yet, he says I did nothing to change...that he tried and I just don't give back. So, he went looking for "affection" online a second, then a third time. I asked him "Is you missing a little bit of affection worth losing your family over?" and he said "of course not...I would be devastated to lose you guys"....but he could of fooled me! He knew that the first time completely broke my heart in peices...I mean I kicked him out for two days. He saw how it hurt me, but yet, again and again, he has put me last and his emotions first. I asked him "Do you think we need counseling" and he said "no, we just need to start acting like a couple again?" OK, so what, he gets what he wants out of this...I start being the "good" affectionate wife he needs in order not to stray, but what about me?!?!?!?! What do I get? I get to live with the fact that my husband broke my heart, not once, but three times in one year. How am I supposed to move on? How do I even give affection to a man who I can't hardly stand to look at at this point? How do I move on? How do I ever trust him again? We are only in our second year of marriage and haven't even hit the ups and downs that will come many years down the road? How can I be secure in knowing that my husband will stick by my side no matter what? What would happen if I was in an accident, and God forbid, I was paralyzed or something? I wouldn't be able to kiss or hug him or even be intimate....would he leave me? I have so many thoughts running through my mind. I want to feel like I have tried everything before I let my marriage end....I just don't know what that "everything" is right now, and he's not helping me any.

Njoynlife...it was just a picture of him and our daughter together. I found out that he sent that pic out from one of the girls he had been chatting/texting with. This was the first time and I found out a lot of information from her. I let him have it for that one....pretty much made him feel like a "little" man. I don't think he shows his friends pics of me (most of his friends are family) and he wouldn't be sending out pics of me to these girls...he sends out his own nude pics. Don't forget, these girls think he's not married.

We no longer have the internet on our phones, and we don't have a home computer right now, so I know he can't do it anymore....but it still doesn't make it OK with me. It doesn't get rid of all the pain he has caused me this year...he has abliterated my heart and I'm not sure it can be repaired. I'm just not. I want to get through xmas because my daughter's bday is Dec. 22 too. I don't want to split up before then, but it gives me time to think about what I do want, I guess 8-|
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Been there done that, several times. All the talking and crying and promising isn't going to fix a thing no matter what he tells you. I put up with it for a long time until he finally found some little bar w**** half his age, i moved out, f**k him. I don't care if you have kids or not, let him visit her, this way you don't have to put up with his creepin ass and get his child support for sure. Sorry i am so "in ur face" if you will but don't deal with it, it won't get better, and stop trying to get pregnant by him, then your really stuck.
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OH, the pregnancy trying quit in September really when I caught him for the second time. I actually made an appointment with my doc to get back on b-control because even if we do stay together, I am definitely not going to be ready to add another child to the mix for a loooooooong time. I already feel stuck. I'm not sure what to do. I've been in tears for 4 days straight and I just don't know what to do... I know I can make it on my own, I'm just not sure I want to. BBfeet...did your husband have online affairs and eventually move on to the "real" thing? I think that is my main fear....if I stay and we work it out...who's to say it won't happen down the road 10-20 years? and with an actual affair? Then, I have 10-20 years of being with him..trying to work it out...all for nothing? I'm so confused right now %-)
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Hi honey! he IS cheating on you RIGHT now!! He isn't just saying 'HI!" He his talking PERSOANL and Sexual! So lets put a spot light on what he said "You're not giving me affection!" So lets look at that statement - ME!!!!!!!! AFFECTION! So once again it's about ME and how does one actually get "Affection" from a cellphone or a computer!?!!!! Think about that one for a second!

He is ALL about his OWN stimulation, this isn't about the heart = AFFECTION! It is about Self Gratification! PERIOD!! So after he has hurt you and hurt you, you all of a sudden have to say "Hi honey how was your day? Come over here and give me a snuggle!!!" BS!!!! He is ATTACKING YOU!!! Period! BBfeet and I are obviously women, and we have both been cheated on and treated with ZERO respect, so our answers to you might (lets face facts hey bb?! ;-) we are aren\t we) be jaded! BUT it's called experience, we have been there and BB is still dealing with it! I do from time to time, but it's not as bad as what it used to be! I think she and I can just see the writing on the wall that's all! And he is doing the writing!

Of course he doesn't want to go to counselling, because then others will call him a "pig" he doesn't want to hear that, he wants to tell YOU that "you" are the problem, not him!

Neither BB or I can tell you to leave him honey, all we know is how we dealt with it! My husband actually physically cheated on me = as did bbfeet! BUT mine also did the porn thing! So I KNOW what you are feeling! I kicked my husband out when my eldest was 16months old! It was HELL, but at the same time it was the best thing I did for my self and our relationship! I started going out with my girlfriends = that I had put on the side "Trying to make hubby happy!" and I have continued with that! When he asked me back and said he didn't want a divorce, it was on MY terms! To tell you the truth honey, while we were apart, he finally gained respect for me, because he knew I wasn't going to take it anymore! And I needed to know that too! That I WASN'T going to take anymore of his Narcisitic ways! And even now, IF he talks down to me or yells at me I am RIGHT there!!! He can't even look at me funny!!! ;-) XD

Women are stronger then they realize! You are aware that you CAN do this, but then you question IF you want to! All I can say is this IF your relationship is to continue there has to be a mutual respect and the only way you can find that out is IF he is willing to change! AND you! You HAVE to be strong enough to realize that you CAN go on by yourself and the ONLY way you CAN go on with him! Is IF he changes and wants this too! PERIOD! It took myself and my husband seperating for him to realize he wanted US! It wasn't going to happen with all the hurt and anger in the same room! I couldn't see if or feel him - from the rage and heartbreak! I NEEDED space from his face - before my fist went through it!!!! ;-) It's your call honey! What IS the line for you? Everyone of us THINKS we have a line that our partner better not cross, but we can really be beaten up, when we have to push that line further and further away! Such as "If he EVER cheats on me in ANY way, then it's over" To all of a sudden "Well IF he does it again it's over etc. etc. etc." EVERY time we PUSH that line further away from ourselves, we loose MORE of ourselves! Does that make sense to you?

It's YOUR call honey! There is nothing stopping him from being part of your daughters lives and birthday, but there IS YOU that can stop him taking up so much of your life and zapping your heart and essence! Lots of hugs honey!
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Way back in 2003, my husband joined a paid date site and tried to hide it from me. We have our own computers but i also ran the office which entailed having to get on his computer. This continued for a whole year, the nasty e-mails, the horrible pictures sent to him, some chick was doin herself from a cyber cam, the whole bit. I moved out after a few months of him promising to cancel, all he had to do was call them and stop the withdraws from his debit card every month. A few weeks after i left we started to see each other again, i still maintained the office work, but i found that he changed his password, promising that he wasn't doing it anymore and they cancelled his membership. Well.....i also had to balance the checkbook which means i had to go over the monthly statements. LIES LIES and more LIES. That membership was alive and well to the tune of $29.95 a month. He begged and cried and promised that he would end it, he did, but he did not get rid of all the phone numbers and e-mail address. I remember going into the office one morning and sat in the office chair, he actually masterbated and got it on the chair. He made me sick, but i was determined to make the marraige work, i know, duh.

After that he spent a lot of time on porn sites, his preference was Bairly Legal and Asian chiks and he was BIG time into bondage sites, this stuff went on right up until i left him the 1st of October this year. I was tipped off from my son in law that he had some crotch shots on his cell phone so i looked at his cell account to see from what number these pics were comin from. Sure enough, he not only had crotch shots from a particular number, but these calls were going all the way back to freakin March of 09, i made the discovery in July, so 4 months prior to my reveal he was up to no good. She is a 30 years old, (he is 60, puke, gag) she is on social services, has 3 SMALL kids and tends bar under the table.

I am scratchin around to make my kids and their kids have a Merry Christmas while that B***H is out spending my money. My husband leaves her 100.00 tips at the bar right in front of our Employees and of course they tell me.
So listen, throw your cards on the table and give him an "or else" to chew on. I went back knowing what mine was doing with the hopes that he would stop, he didn't, now he has actually hooked up with someone. It's up to you, i know it's hard when you love someone and you really want to trust and believe what they do and say. Tell him, this is it, you either do it my way or i'm out. One chance is allowed, give him the bait and i can almost promise you he'll take it, but not in the way you would like.
I may be 100% wrong, maybe you can snap is dumb ass out of it, i don't know, but don't put to much stock in anything he yells you. Keep your eyes open, keep your ears open and go from there. I am always around if you want to talk, just log on and i'll find you.
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As bbfeet told you her painful story, I hope you hear what we are both telling you? We have BOTH endured pain, deceit, lies, disgust, heartbreak, insane madness etc.! Our husbands destroyed us "ALMOST" I put it like having a massive jigsaw puzzle put together and when your spouse cheats it's as though someone came along and SMASHED it to bits, NOW you have to put the pieces of the jigsaw back together!

bbfeet is still in the process, I am at the end of it! But the one thing we have in common is the thread of pain that it has caused us! We just don't want you to go through the horrible pain that we did, even though you are starting to go through this now! we DONT want you to get to OUR point! That's all!

Hugs to you BOTH! BB that is! Not your husband!!! ;-)
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Thanks ladies. I really did need some support/advice and stories from women who have actually gone through this. None of my friends or family members have, and really it is so embarassing, I have only told my best friend and my mother-in-law (who is like my other best friend). She is devastated but thinks we should do counseling and not to end it yet. My bestfriend, of course, is there for me no matter what...what ever I feel she feels, ya know. I am really lucky to have her in my life.

I am DEFINTELY hearing what both of you are telling me. I do not want to be that woman who holds on to hope because I am afraid of being alone....actually I WONT BE THAT WOMAN! You are right...he is at fault, not me, and all he cares about are his feelings and self gratification. If he gave two s@#%s about keeping his family together, he wouldn't have done it again after the first time of getting caught. Thats just it too...when I did change some things after the first time...when those things didn't add up to be enough for him, instead of coming to me to talk, he went right back to the chatting....which he knows is only destroying our relationship, not healing it. and then, after the second time, instead of it not being enough sex, it was that I b***h all the time. Then I stopped bitching, and now the third time it is that I don't show enough affection! Its always something that I am doing wrong.

And what has happened to both of you is exactly what I am afraid of if I do stay. Things go great, but then 10 years or more down the road HE isn't getting his needs met, and finds a real "affair". If I am going to get a divorce, I would rather it happen now then 10 years down the road. I don't want to waste my life in a failing marriage.

There are lines...and he is standing on mine right now. Now is the question...will he step over the line with not granting my wishes for counseling...or will he step away from the line by doing this my way, seeking counseling, and trying to heal the pain and heal our marriage.

I think that I have decided to tell him that it is either counseling or I'm out. I can't get past this and forgive him without it, so if he's not willing, then he's not willing to do everything it takes to keep our marriage and family together, and I will not be with a man like that. I'm not the type to stay in a relationship for the "children's sake" because that only leads to more hurt and resentment. I believe that a child can be happier with parents separated, but happy, then he/she can be with parents together, but miserable.

I really appreciate both of you and the advice you have given me ;-)
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Health Ace
6885 posts
I think that a little professional counseling just by yourself might be a great help toward sorting out your feelings.

I don't know how either my wife or I could stay with each other if one of us cheated. I am quite sure I would never feel the same about her and I don't imagine she could feel the same about me, or how you regain the trust that was once the mainstay of your marriage. Trust is something that's nearly impossible to regain in any situation, not just marriage, once it's been betrayed.

Some people manage to do it though. I just found out Bambi did. o.O

My racing partner's wife caught him with her best friend about 40 years ago and they are still together. I don't know the woman but her husband was a customer of mine through the place where he worked. I never knew it was happening, even though my partner and I were together about 40 hours a week, working on the dragster and racing it. We also had many NYE parties at his house and my wife never had a clue either. When he told me about it around 10 years after it happened, I was certainly surprised and my wife was shocked when I told her. Over the years we had spent a lot of time together as couples, aside from the racing.

My wife and I trust each other completely. We laugh about some of the situations over the years when others thought one of us was seeing someone else. One time a drinking buddy of mine had tickets to an Arthur Feidler concert at P.E.A. He had a date but she backed out. My wife would kill for a chance to see Arthur Feidler. So I told him she would love to go if he didn't find another date, rather than waste the ticket.

Her father came over to our house unexpectedly just as she was leaving with my buddy for the concert and of course people who knew us saw her at the concert with him. You should have seen her father's face when he handed me whatever it was he brought over. And the rumors from the sighting at the concert were D E L I C I O U S XD

I have certainly been sighted in the company of other females over the years. The best was the time we were going to go to Bennington VT to pick up a girl I knew from a place I had worked, who was thru hiking the Appalachian Trail. The girl she was hiking with was the wife of a customer of mine. He had met them in Virginia, Pennsylvania and Massachussetts and was not going to Bennington. So he gave me a package to take to his wife. My wifes dog was dieing the weekend we were supposed to go so I went alone. The routine when they came off the trail was to EAT, get a motel and take a shower. Take clothes to the laundry, take a shower. Go to a super for more supplies, take a shower. Go out to eat, take a shower. Thru hikers traditionally share rooms for cost sharing, no matter about gender. As I left, my wife hollered, don't share a room with them!!! When we got to the motel the price was $75 a room and they all had two double beds. My choice was $75 and be alone, or $25 and share a room with someone to tell me hiking stories. Of course, the first thing my wife asked when I got home was, did you share a room? I didn't lie and she wasn't mad, she expected I would. The other girls husband expected I'd be sleeping in the same room with his wife. My wife and I went to Crawford Notch to pick them up and they stayed in our room that time.

Trust is really wonderful and if either of us broke it, I don't know how we would get over it.
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The kind of trust you have with your wife is the kind of trust I had with my husband before March of this year...the first time I caught him. Now it is completely gone, and thats the hardest part. Trust is the basis of any relationship, and now that its out the window, I'm not sure how to move on. I don't know if I can ever ever trust him again and that hurts so much :-( :'(

You do have quite the library of life experiences njonlife. I enjoy reading about them ;-)
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Oh honey don't give him permission to tell you the rest!!!! ;-) XD XD XD You have NO idea what he is capable of saying!!!!! ;-)

We get you honey! It's your call totally! I do think you need time away from this - on your terms! I could be for just a night or a weekend! Even if you stay at a hotel or a friends - I did that once, stayed at a hotel, I didn't want to talk to anyone!! Because you will have 2 sides wont you? You will have the older generation saying "You HAVE to stay for the kids sake" and then you have your friends who say "Kick the bum out!" This is TOTALLY your call honey! All we can say is OUR experiences and that WE understand!

I think if you were to tell him, that you can't do this anymore and you need a break from him and let him be by himself for a bit, it MIGHT slap him upside the head! And the way I see it is this, IF you leave him be for a day or two and he STILL doesn't get it! He will NEVER get it and continue on his way! He HAS to see how much HE has hurt you! That is the only way you CAN see if he takes you seriously and respects you enough! Like njon said "There HAS to be trust" And I will add "RESPECT!" Without that there IS NOTHING!

I told my 17 year old that the other day! "If you RESPECT your girlfriend/wife, you can get through anything!" You might not love them all the time, if you could see my husbands slipping hair line you would understand!!! ;-) BUT there HAS to be that trust and respect that even when you are all and all out scrapping, there will be NO indescretions!
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He's already crossed the line, now step on his toes.
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Love ya Miss Bambi :)
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