I am 24 years old and my husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 7. Sex in the beginning was awkward since it hurt for me but we still had a fairly healthy sexual relationship (we weren't doing it like rabbits, but we had sex about once a month). About a year after we started having sex, I found some gay porn websites on my computer. I didn't confront him but instead said something like "You should see these pics I found on my compy! They must have downloaded themselves! Too funny!" The pics mysteriously disappeared after that. When I found some gay group memberships in his inbox and asked him about it, he said he checked his e-mail at work and someone must have joined them as a joke. Years later I asked him if he still checked his e-mail at work and he had no idea what I was talking about.
Then, about 3 years ago (after being married) I found some gay pictures in the user cache of my system. Our sex life by this time had dropped off the map and we were lucky to get it on every 3 months. I was pissed and told him that if he was going to look at that c**p to clean it off my computer. He told me he wasn't gay and I told him I didn't care that he looked at it, but I wanted to know why. Until this day I have yet to receive an answer. During the same conversation I asked him why he didn't want to have sex with me. He gave some lame excuse along the lines of: "The sex the night of our wedding was so good that I didn't think I could live up to that." Ummm, I thought men wanted sex most of the time.
So I started being a little more sexually explorative and offered new and exciting positions, thinking this would respark our sex life and ensure that I could get laid a little more often. No worky. When I try to think of the last time we had sex, I want to say January but it may have been before Xmas. Not entirely sure.
I've been more and more tempted to have an affair (and almost did) although I know this is a totally not the right way of resolving the situation. I just want to be physically close to someone and right now that someone is not my husband. Even if he were to come home and say "You, me, bedroom, now" I would probably refuse him. And I know what you're thinking..."You should talk to him."...I try and try and try. Everytime I cry about it, I get sex and then that's it. Nothing changes longterm. So, really, there's no emotional payout for being open about the subject.
I used to blame myself. I used to think that it was because of the pain I expressed during intercourse and he was afraid to hurt me. Well, we stopped using latex condoms (the source of my ouchy) and sex was great after that. Then I blamed it on my birth control (Diane 35, known for extinguishing sexual wantingness) and switched. No worky. I even tried to blame my looks or personality or whatever, but (and I don't mean to toot my own horn) I have had guys express interest in me and even utter the line "If only you weren't married."
I am very very very confused. I love my husband to death and can't imagine life without him, but right now I feel like I'm living with a best friend or roommate. We hold hands and I get quick kisses, but there's no physical intimacy. I'd kiss my best friend the same way if she would let me.
Any meaningful advice at this point would be appreciated. I've spent my whole life trying to figure things out for myself and now I feel completely lost.
hmm.. i stumbled across this forum, looking for some answers my self..
to be brutaly honest .... beeing a guy myself.. i would say that either your sexual experience was so bad that you made him think that he was gay.. or that he is having an affair and dont find you sexual attractive anymore..
in the case of the gay porn, that's a fair indication that he might be, unless he uses it to check if he is attracted to men...
have you tried marriage counselling???
do you have any reason to suspect he is having an affair???
as for the gay porn - well that is a little bit worrying. i mean lots of men (and women) enjoy watching porn, but a guy liking gay porn who is supposed to be straight is confusing - if my fella was looking at gay porn i would definitely be asking myself if he is gay.
have you spoken to any of his friends or work collegues to see if the porn is to do with them???
could you deal with your husband being bisexual???
you need to make a decision about what to do next. don't have an affair - they solve nothing and it will only make you feel lonelier and guilty.
have a proper sit down with your husband and ask him whats going on?? tell him you've found these porn sites (show him if you have to) and see what his reaction is.
tell him you are unhappy with your sex life and feel that you are growing apart.
if your marriage is going to work out you need to work through this together or decide whether you are meant to be together after all.
I wish you luck.
***edited by moderator*** web addresses not allowed
Maybe your husband is bisexual. Kinsey defined men on a sliding scale from being gay to fully heterosexual but there are many guys who fall somewhere in between.
I have ben married for almost 40 yrs and I enjoyed hetero sex (when my wife used to be interested) and still love looking at sexy women and masturbate to them, but I have also always liked looking at sexy guys and can get myself off from images of sexy men too. I wouldnt want to have a full gay sex session but like lots of men, I enjoy an occasional mutual masturbation session with a man.
I guess that makes me bisexual as I enjoy sex with both men and women - maybe your guy is like me - he likes both sexes?
Maybe you should talk it through with him to find out if he is bisexual and then discuss whetther you could live with it.
It is a sad thing that our society, parents and churches forces gay men to marry a woman. How fair is that to the woman and possible children. Everyone deserves someone who wants them, and actually, so does your husband. If you can find a way to talk about staying friends and you both finding the right partners, do it. The heck with the rest of the world. Find the one who will love YOU without pretending.
Good luck, be brave and go find yourself a straight man.
yea he might be.
I really need some help. I don't really know who to talk to, and don't really think I can speak to anyone about this.I have found pictures of my husband naked on gay websites, (not showing his face). I knw it is him though, because I know him and when I show him the pics he won't deny it. I have been married to my husband since 2011 and we were engaged in August 2009. The pics were posted in June/July 2009 and haven't been posted since. I can't see whether he has acted on the 100's of messages he's had from men and women - but the pictures have been taken in a hotel room.
Our sex life was great but over the last 1.5 years, it's really gone downhill. I;ve been very unhappy with my work as recent company restructuring leading to me being demoted has led to me to yoyo in terms of my weight. My husband makes regular comments about my weight (but never rude about it) and does tell me he loves me.
I really don't know what to do. He is at work currently and I'm really upset and need some advice as to how I should deal with this.
I just feel like running away. I'm not even 30 yet and neither is he. I feel like i've been at the receiving end of some serious lies and I don't know whether I will be able to take this or move on from this.
I imagined that I would have a happy life with your average ups and downs, but I don't think I can deal with this pain. I'm sitting here in my living room and can barely breath.
Please help me, please.