I'm new here and i would like to excuse for my poor english, i am french canadian.
To start, i went on a trip in june 2016 with friends and it changed my life for the worst. It was a stressful trip because some of my friends weren't getting along. One night i snapped, i had like a panic attack for like 2 hours and i honestly wanted to die. For the remaining of the trip, i felt weird, scared, disconnected and i instantly taught i was getting psychotic. The return was really tough, because i was hoping that this feeling was going to go away, but it stayed and broke my life. 6 mouths in this disaster, my girlfriend of 3 years left me saying it was hurting her too much to see me like this. My grades went down, i failed half of my classes and i've never failed one before. I tried antidepressant for 4 months and felt worst than ever. At this point, i just accepted the fact that i was becoming psychotic. I felt it, it was in me, everything was there; i was less social, i was feeling disconnected from reality, my grades were going down and my aunt was bipolar AND schizophrenic... It went like that for a year, i was in a really dark and unpleasant place.
This summer, i started to see hope. Instead of always feeling disconnected and hopeless, i had days where i was good, i was myself but never for too long. Now, i have very good days and very bad days and that scares me even more. I am so scared of being bipolar.. Some nights i can't sleep and some nights i sleep really well. Some days i need to stay home because i feel disconnected and can't do anything, some days i am able to do my homeworks and go to work like before. Some days i am irritable, some days i am relax like before. I instinctively relate everything i do to the mental illness, when i feel excited or can't sleep, it must be a manic episode. When i feel irritable, it must be the psychotic mood swings. I am trap in this hell... Lately, my girlfriend annoys me so much and we keep fighting. I feel like i really have a problem..
Tell me what you think please and if you have questions or feel the same i would be glad to talk with you.
Thank you very much.