I am a teenager who have some years ago suicidal thoughts. I was thinking about hurting myself and the ways to kill myself. I also tried one day without telling anyone, and it didn't succeed, there's still nobody who knows that in real life about it.
It became better some times after, but now the thoughts are here again, but it is a bit more different.
I had a dream some months ago where there was a girl standing on a bridge. By her posture, I could definitely that she was about to kill herself by jumping off the bridge. She was wearing a white nightgown, and I clearly remember it was dancing through the wind. I shouted at her to not do it, but when she turns her head in my direction, her eyes felt like empty. I was convince that I couldn't help her by only saying useless words. So I ran towards her, but a car hit me. I couldn't feel the pain because it was a dream, so I opened my eyes quickly, but the girl disappear. Every time I'm thinking about it, it makes me thrill.
Now, I have more and more thoughts about death. For instance, last Sunday, I was going somewhere and I was lost in my thoughts. I thought about my death, that I wanted to kill myself. I would like to die in that way. I was saying that I need to die in an age when I'll accomplish everything I want and my goals, and dying young and not experiencing the phase of being old. I was convinced that, somehow, my destiny was to kill myself.
Yesterday, I was cleaning a window of my flat, and I was wondering: "it would be so good, the feeling of falling from a building, and the sensation hitting the ground".
Today, I had another thought about death. I don't know how to describe it, but it was like I was prepared to die. If I was able to do it, I think I would probably do it, just for fun, or maybe just to feel that feeling.
I am currently 15, and I don't know if it is just me who's getting old and my mind preparing itself from all the events and news. It's just like I'm not afraid to die anymore, and I would gladly do it any time. Is it only a phase, or is it really dangerous? I would gladly hear the thoughts from anyone!
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