Months ago, i had a midnight fit and throughout the whole week just let myself crying. It's been painful since then, i've wanted to avoid the work but i still did it, counting down to the deadline. Redo and redo on the papers because of how i didn't like it. That made me ways behind my schedule. I liked my class a lot before, very eager to do everything and wanted to be active on it. Things just made me question myself. I end up thinking wanting to quit school. I've told my parents and closest people about my thoughts. They don't mind it, but i can see that they tried to persuade me back to study. I just wanted to get the resignation form and fill it in. But what they did is had a teacher and family conference, evaluating my mental fitness and told that i'm just a perfectionist that's why i had bad time management on my work. But i'm actually at my wits end. They gave me time to think and i went back. I hated myself for not strengthening my resolve to quit. Maybe if i did then i won't be sad like this right now.

And to be honest, it's been less than 2 month before this feeling of regret comes back. Work is more difficult and my management is dropping. I just want to take a breather. Yesterday midnight, since i couldn't sleep i went to the kitchen and just stare at the knife. I eventually picked it up and had the urge to stab myself in the heart. Then staring into space that i didn't notice it's been an hour.

 

Our country had a system that if you quit government institution or was kicked out, you'll be blacklisted from entering any other government institution. That means you could only go to private ones and there isn't a lot which provides a good qualification. Or going abroad which is more costly. And my family is only on average and they just want me to continue study.