TBH, if I was diagnosing you, I wouldn't use the label Bi-Polar to describe what you are suffering with. While some characteristics you've described sound synonomous with manic depression; depending on your age, I would say you have either severe depression or a personality disorder (anxious-avoidant, with periods of depression), due to trauma.
The problem with diagnosing mental health disorders is that they can be co-morbid (i.e. the person is suffering with characteristics relating to two or more disorders) and they can be similar in characteristics. What makes them different is the set of circumstances of causality, time-span, age of diagnosis, severity & variety of symptoms.
its been 5 years since my mum and dad got divorced.i started self harming to get all the hurt and anger out, but about 2
years ago i found it wasn't helping as much as it used to,
Self-harming starts off as an emotion-transferal strategy- i.e; it's something that tranfers emotional/ mental pain in to physical pain, so it's easier to deal with or easier to 'heal'. It then becomes an emotion-distraction strategy and instead of waiting for emotional hurt to surface, the self-harmer starts to cut when he/she anticipates that emotional hurt will occur. In otherwords, they start to cut more frequently to avoid emotional hurt, instead of waiting for it to happen. A lot of self-harmers describe cutting as "relaxing". Would you have described it that way?
You started doing this because you felt unable to (or didn't have the opportunity to) express the sadness, guilt & confussion that was going on inside of you when your parents were going through the divorce. I expect you started feeling depressed before the divorce even happened, due to the difficulties between your parents that lead to the divorce.
The thing with a lot of unhealthy emotion-transferal strategies (ex; self-harm, excessive drink & drugs, risky behaviour, violence, etc) is that they wear-out. After a while of going through the same unhealthy routines, it doesn't work to get rid of the pain anymore & we have to change what we do.
so i started exercising at least 5 hours a day i would go out for jogs for
hours on end . A short while after that i started to make my self sick after
every meal evan if it was health food.i feel like i am addicted to constant exercising, self harming and now
making my self sick.
What you have described here is also self-harm. You are pushing the limits of your body & punishing yourself physically, which is not much different from cutting yourself. You've simply added to your routine. What you are doing is also a sign of of anorexia, which is a depression related illness.
i have major mood swings one min i could be really hyper and a few min after i
could be crying my eyes out rolled up in a ball or just screaming, punching
hitting my self in anger
These were quite telling words, IMO. You have a few things to consider here; firstly, your body is not getting the nutrients & vitamins it needs to stay balanced- thus, you will have mood swings. Physical health affects mental health, so if your body is in need of something, your moods & thinking will be effected.
Secondly- the anger is there is anyway. Depression is anger against the self; it's made of up feelings of guilt, hopelessness, impending doom & dread and feelings of inferiority. It can emotionally & physically disable a person. Or it can give them a lot of self-destructive energy. What you have described here is the self-destructive energy. It's the energy you usually use to cut youself with.
The screaming- that was a good thing! In a secure environment, I think you should scream away. It's a physical- and harmless- way to exert your negative energy. However, the punching & hitting yourself is not (and you know this already!). As cheesy as it sounds, how about hitting a pillow or rolled up quilt, next time? This is a physical, yet harmless way of getting the anger out. What would be even better is if you had a (non-living) punch bag, you could use.
Evan though i know i am 8 and a half stone, i look in the mirror and i feel
and look like 18 stone sometimes more so i make my self sick more often and
don't eat as often, then i exercise more because the i think in my mind.
You are suffering with something called 'Body dismorphis', which is related to your anorexia & depression symptoms. In other words, you have an unrealistic view of what you look like. I have a tendency to think that these kinds of symptoms- as well as being related to depression & trauma- are related to the way society is today. Women and young girls (not exclusively, but especially) are told by their friends, the media & celebrity role models that they have to look & act in a certain way to be accepted by the opposite sex & rest of the society.
i used to see someone to let out my feeling and i felt safe in that surroundings but then
my mum broke into this kind of bubble that was my safe place and so iv kept in
all my feelings for at least 3 maybe 4 years now and when i get anger i can get
really violent with my self.
It's a shame that you haven't been able to keep up your talking therapy- I think this would have eventually been encouraging enough to help you stop self-harming.
but my family say they are behind me on everything, but they criticize me everyday, and sometimes make me feel like i should be in a mental home which makes me not want to get help because in a way i want to no whats wrong with me but then i don't because i will be judged on this everyday of my life, for how ever long i live.
like last night i went into a massive break down hitting my ribs self- harmed u name it, and my mum was down stairs and didn't evan try and calm me down or do anything to stop because she was with her new boyfriend.
she always ignores me when she is with him doesn't try and get me involved in any activities they do i have tried but she don't wanna no so i dont no what to do.
yes it is relaxing.
but my family say they are behind me on everything, but they
criticize me everyday, and sometimes make me feel like i should be in a mental home which makes me not want to get help
because in a way i want to no whats wrong with me but then i don't because i
will be judged on this everyday of my life, for how ever long i
like last night i went into a massive break down hitting my ribs
self- harmed u name it, and my mum was down stairs and didn't evan try and calm
me down or do anything to stop because she was with her new
she always ignores me when she is with him doesn't try and get
me involved in any activities they do i have tried but she don't wanna no so i
dont no what to do.
You don't say how old you are, Emma88- I'm guessing teens?
Ok- I can't say anything that will change your life and I doubt anyone here can. There's only people who can give you words of wisdom or advice from their own experiences.
You have what is known as 'Toxic Parents'. Parents who inadvertently (or sometimes puposely) screw up their children through their behaviour.
Welcome to Life, sweetie! Sometimes, Toxic Parents create Toxic Children who in turn become Toxic Parents themselves. You only have to look at the state of the Western world to witness this!
However, as Toxic Children who can spot soap when they see it- we can lessen the impact of the screwed up behaviour of our parents.
Who do you have around you that you can trust? An adult who you can be yourself with & know they will keep your secrets? Everyone- even fully-fledged adults- needs someone they can trust & talk to. Have you got a place, away from home, where you can be yourself & relax, without the opportunity to cut or harm yourself?
You need these if you are to get better, without the help of your parents. Because despite you wanting- and needing- your parents to see & feel what you are going through- it may not happen.
I honestly believe that you would benefit from getting in to group sport activity. This would encourage you to start thinking healthily about your body and as cheesy as it sounds (there's a massive sport run going on here in the UK, at the moment)- team sport help massively with anxiety & depression. Additionally, you will have support & people to turn to, when things are feeling rough. This would turn your unhealthy obsession with exercise in to something that is controlled in a positive way and for a positive means. Furthermore- if you are under the guidance of a team instructor, you can get advice about eating properly & you would be encouraged towards a healthier approach to eating. You need to channel your self-destructive behaviour in to positive actions & you need the positive social encouragement to do so.
I can't help you with where & who. Perhaps have a look around at school/college or in your local youth centres. The internet is also a handy tool for finding clubs & sports groups in your area. The cost of these can be anything from free to a small price, but are usually affordable, even on pocket-money or an allowance.
You've said you don't know what to do about your mum & the fact that she ignores you & is uninterested in anything you do.
You have a couple of choices here.
You could print off what you have written on this messageboard & give it to her. Alternatively, write her another letter stating how you are feeling. I find that in arguments or in confrontations with parents, it is best not to name-call or directly blame them- get to the point and be clear about how you feel, what those feelings are making you do & what happens to cause those feelings (give clear accounts of incidents- "On Tuesday ** May, at 9pm, when XXX came round, you didn't say anything when I said....". For example, "I realise that you need your personal time, but I feel lonely and feel as if I am not important. These feelings make me want to......and then I......" You could end the letter with a flexible time & date to talk with her- ask for just her/her & your dad to be present & state that you would like to have the first 10 minutes to talk, without them interupting.
In family counselling sessions, there is usually an allotted amount of time for each member to talk & each member to respond. Try and keep to facts & be clear about how certain events effected you. Family 'talks' can often descend in to blame, denials & name-calling & these should be avoided, if any good is going to come of it.
Or you can choose to self-soothe & take steps in your own recovery, without her support.
Your mother sounds avoidant. Very much like mine was & still is.
I have put this down to my mothers feelings of guilt over the fact that I am the way I am & have had to battle with mental illness since my teens. She put my adolescent & young adulthood mental issues down to bullying & hormones. Not once did she look at my experiences & how she had contributed to my issues. She blamed everyone & everything else and in the meantime, I had to cope with her Schizophrenic Mother behaviour (look this one up- it's a term used in psychology for a particular type of mothering).
The thing is- I can't change my mother & neither can you.
For years, she believed I was never mentally ill- despite suicide attempts, psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, A&E admissions, drug habits & naked screaming while counting knives in an OCD fit. Apparently- I had 'teenage depression' & post-natal depression, but am absolutely fine & dandy otherwise. And these episodes were: hormones, bullying & my ex's fault. *CO-BALLS-UGH*
I've had many a conversation with her over the years; however, the crunch came around 2 years and the simmering volcano took 6 months to brew over. It started with me going in to a deep depression (but not para-suicidal or self-harming one) for 2 weeks. Then there were a couple of verbal breakdowns between us- snapping and little arguments. After 6 months, the explosion came after a disagreement with one of her family members. There was a telephone conversation that lifted up a lot of dirt- yet it was a relief.
I recall feeling so high after it- like I was no longer restricted by her negative energy. However...I live away from home, so it's easy for me to distance myself from my mother. We didn't talk to or see each other for over 4 months and it was good for us both. In that time, I stopped depending on my mother for approval & actually saw her for the control she had over a lot of aspects of my life.
I'm in my mid-30's and it has taken me years to even get a little bit of an admission of guilt from my mother, for my mental health issues. She said not so long ago that she wished certain things would have been different & that she & my step-dad made a lot of mistakes in my childhood. TBH, it was something I never thought I'd hear, so I took it & am pleased that she finally acknowledged that it happened & she had an influence in my issues.
For you- right now- you have to find a support outside of the home and a place where you can escape the trials of your parents. You need to confide in someone you trust & you are sure won't betray your trust. You also need to remember that you have a future beyond Today.
If you are at an age where you could support yourself & move out- could this be an option? Move in with friends or other relatives? If not- one day you will be at that age. Work towards that- remember that one day you will not be dependent on your parents attention & support.
I really do wish you the best of luck, Emma. Keep coming back & chatting to us. It's important you share you feelings. A diary might help too- this is a good way to keep a track of what sparks off cutting urges & the excessive exercise & anorexia symptoms. Sometimes, it helps to keep a track of feelings & triggers, as then you can help control your behaviour. This is another thing to try.
~A hug to you~