I think that when I was a little girl I was molested. I don't really know for sure but it's been on my mind for a long time. I've been debating on whether or not I should tell a professional to help me find out if I was or if I wasn't. What first made me think about it was the fact that when I was 5 I used to pretend I was tied down and men were molesting me. I remember that I actually felt turned on by this and I was very ashamed. As I got older I used to touch myself through my childhood and pretend things that would turn me on. Such as pretending I was accused of doing bad things and in return I would pretend that I was punished vaginally and that people would take turn punishing me. I remember that I used to pretend to cry and scream for help and that I would just be laughed at. I didn't know what I was doing really but it made me feel very ashamed that I enjoyed to pretend this. This was between the ages of maybe 5-10. When I got even older 11 perhaps, I developed an obsession with rape, maybe even before but I know that's when I knew what it was called. I liked to read stories about it and I liked to write storied about it. I wrote stories of girls getting tortured and raped, I enjoyed that and it makes me sick to even think that I ever could. I have major self esteem issues but I mean what girl doesn't, I just thought that may be helpful. The thing that struck me recently that I thought was perfectly normal was that sometimes when I'm naked, like getting dressed or even doing simple acts I can't help but feel so ashamed and so so dirty. I feel anxious and gross and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry and that's one of the worst feelings I experience nowadays. I don't know if I was molested or if I was just a really disgusting screwed up child but I really need to know if I should go to a professional with this thought or not. I really appreciate any replies and I thank you in advance for your time.