I'm sixteen and very scared to bring up the possibilities with my parents. There were signs from when I was as young as ages 4 and 5 that I could've been sexually abused. When I was young, about 5, I remember vividly pretending that I was strapped up or being held down and an old man was touching my vagina. I remember being turned on by the thought and feeling guilty. When I was a bit older, my cousin who was a year younger would play a game, he would take a toy spatula an hit me when I was being bad. When we played the game I suggested that he hit my vagina with the toy spatula if I was being bad, he agreed and I remember that also turned me on. I also remember feeling very very guilty for that. I continued on to have fantasies at night of adults punishing me and (this is going to sound extremely bizarre but I blame it in my strange young 7 year old mind) they would spit and throw trash in my vagina and obviously, like a pattern, I'd feel guilty. Not only was I imagining sexual things as a child. I would have nightmares a lot, I don't remember what they were though, so they may not be related to anything. I was always afraid of things such as being laughed at, the dark and would fall asleep only if the light was on or if someone was there with me. I hated being in social situations like talking in class or talking to adult family members other than my parents and felt much more comfortable talking to women. I still have trouble today. I'm very self conscious of my body as are most teenage girls but I thought I'd add that in there just incase. I'm more afraid of judgement of my male peers. I do feel more comfortable around women and get uncomfortable if I'm left alone with a man other then my father. I still do fantasize about being touched by older men or getting raped when I touch myself. I honestly am worried about my past and current sexual behavior and I do feel embarresed by them. It unnerving to think something like this coulee happened to me. I appreciate ANY help I can get, thank you!