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Do you think I am a sociopath?

If you have time to read my story then I would really appreciate it. This is my story and even though I do believe I have sociopathic tendencies I am telling the absolute trust right down to the last word. I really want your opinion and a I want a true diagnosis

Criminal activity and cruelty

Even as a young child I can always remember lying about things to make myself sound more impressive. If people didn’t do as I wanted I could get violent. For example, my friend at school did not do what I wanted so I dug my nails so deep into her that it drew blood. My younger cousin did not want to play the game I wanted to so I smacked her so hard she couldn’t get up. I felt no remorse, they deserved it.

I was very much into horses as a child like most girls and I had riding lessons every Sunday. I always had the same pony every week, called Tio. Once Tio had been very naughty and so the owner of the stables whipped him several times. I remember sitting there staring thinking go on hit him again, hit him hard. After I witnessed this I would be cruel   in secret. I would whip him, bite his ears and then yank his mouth with the metal bit inside. I never felt guilty, the stupid beast deserved it. This cruelty then extended to my mum’s boyfriend’s  little Dartmoor pony who I’d whip and kick it’s belly. I did get caught being cruel and was punished but I did not feel bad for the ponies I’d hurt but I think I did feel a little shame. I’m not 100% sure. After that I stopped being cruel and got no pleasure out of it. I would never hurt insects, dogs, cats or my guinea pigs (although they were a bit neglected), it as just those two ponies for some reason.  After this I became obsessed with horses. I would crawl around on all fours and make horse noises. I would even stick metal tin lids to my knees and hands to mimic the sounds of horse shoes as I crawled around. This went on until as late as age 14.

At the young age of 10 I committed cheque fraud. I stole my mum’s cheque book and forged her signature. I did get found out but I don’t remember feeling bad for my mum. I think I may have felt a little shame but I’m not sure again. After that I would steal very expensive riding equipment and never got caught. When I was 14 I committed my biggest ever crime. I stole large amounts of dancing wear and wallets from the lockers at my local swimming pool. I did get caught and was cautioned by the police. I did not feel bad for the victims who I robbed from. I think the way that the police and my parents spoke to me made me feel a little shame. However, I bragged about my crimes on the bus so that everyone could hear and at school because at the time I thought it sounded impressive.

At the age of 16 I became a stripper. I was not ashamed of it and did not feel embarrassed. It went from that to accepting money for sex which I still do today. I am not ashamed of this and I do it everyday without batting an eyelid.  When I was 16 I posed topless for a tabloid newspaper  to get money for my own flat, my parents were totally slatted in the story that went with the topless pictures,( I did not intend for that but you know what journalists are like), I did not feel bad for my parents at all.

I was very cruel to boys who fancied me after I started puberty. I remember that I would like to seduce them and it felt good at the time but when they would return the affection I would totally freak out and instantly change my behaviour into one that is cruel and evil.

Love and empathy

I know that I felt love for my mother and definitely for my father. I only got to see him once a month and I cried so hard every time I had to leave him. I definitely know that I loved my daughter’s dad and even though we are not together anymore I still would feel bad if he were feeling pain. I know I definitely feel love for my daughter. I can be brought to tears by sad films that involve the lose of family members, especially when there is sad music playing in the back round. I cried at the film Watership down when the cute bunnies died.

I know I can feel empathy but mainly in really strange circumstances which involve food. For example If a child fell over I would not feel sorry for him/her. However, if that child was say eating an ice cream and fell over at the same time I would feel pity. I am unable to tell my daughter off at meal times as if I saw her eating and gulping I just would not be able to hold back the tears. This is the same for animals and humans alike. I remember as a child I cried so hard because a man didn’t show up to an elaborate meal that Dot Cotton from Eastenders had prepared.

 Also shortly after my daughter was born I witnessed a dog being run over and I cried so hard for the poor owners. I also feel empathy for people who have lost their children as I do love my daughter and so can share their pain.

Friends and Relationships

I have had lots of short term relationships. The first few I got dumped, probably because I was a bit weird.  I was very upset when I got dumped but it is more because of damage to my pride and ego.  I mean, how could they dump me, I’m beautiful ! They should be worshipping me!

I do not have any close friends. For me it is extremely important that I go out on the town every twice a week when my daughter is with her dad and get dolled up and drunk. I have females that I go out with but I really don’t care for them and any empathy I have for their problems is staged.  I know I use these girls to be my “wingmen” while I go out on the town. One of the girls has slight learning difficulties and is very weak minded, she does whatever I say, it’s great! I never make an effort to meet up with them during the day unless I absolutely have to. If anyone cancels on me, thus preventing on me going out on the town, I can get really nasty.

I tend to get on better with people who are not as intelligent or impressive as me. I like to be the best and the centre of attention when in a group. I hate just standing there listening for a really long period of time, it makes me feel uncomfortable.  When I was at university I found it very hard to socialise with my peers. They were more intelligent and witty than me and it made me feel uncomfortable. So much so that I completely changed my identity. I pretended to be someone else and I even changed my accent to try to fit in but it didn’t work.

My past two relationships with men have been very cruel.  In the first one I was dating a guy with a learning disability. I would make him believe that I was a very caring person, with high morals and who loves children but this was mainly lies. He had a nicer house than me with lots of interesting gadgets to play with so I loved going over there. I hated him though, most of the time I would storm about in a rage and I enjoyed humiliating him and making him feel bad about himself. If he didn’t do what wanted I would get angry. He loved playing World of Warcraft but I limited his time on this. He had a 3 year old daughter and I hated her too. Of course I would pretend to be her best friend so that she would show me affection in public. However, if she had a fight with my daughter then I would always side with my child even when I knew she was in the wrong. I enjoyed telling his child off. I know the only reason I went out with him was because off his lovely, comfortable house, fancy gadgets and the fact that he would babysit for me while I tore up and down the country entering modelling competitions.

The second relationship was with a guy who was very smart. I remember being impressed with how great his general knowledge was and wished I could be that intelligent. Again I made myself out to be an upstanding citizen with high morals but this was all lies of course. I was also very good in bed. I would invent stories to make myself out to be a victim who needs rescuing. I found myself imitating him a lot when I was with others and I started to share his beliefs. For example, he hates people who are gay. Before I met him I didn’t have any feelings or opinions about homosexuality but when I was with him I started to hate them too. Now that I’m not with him anymore, I don’t care about it again. I never loved him, even though I made him feel like I felt deep emotions for him. I think I went out with him because I liked his body and it turned me on in bed and I admired him for being so intelligent. That’s about it though. Many times in our relationship I would storm about in a rage and if he picked fault in me I would give hi the silent treatment for ages. When I broke up with him I let him know that I never loved him and talked about his flaws, I enjoyed telling him that.

I am obsessed with that film “Heat Breakers” staring Jennifer Love Hewitt where they con men to get their money. I wish I could do that!

My Fantasies

I have two very contrasting fantasies. During the day I fantasise about being a master at martial arts. I know all the moves and know where the main weak spots are so I can have anyone on the floor in seconds no matter how big they are. However, in this fantasy I have high morals and only use my skills for good. For example, I fantasise about having a friend who is attacked by a male. With my martial arts skills I am able to over power him and make him accountable for his actions.

At night it’s a completely different scenario. I fantasise that I am incredibly beautiful. I fantasise about being raped, but not at all violently. The rape is just a man restraining me but in a nice way. He cannot help it though, I am just so beautiful in this fantasy that he cannot resist me.

 

Chronic Boredom

My physical appearance is very important to me and the thought of being fat scares me to death. During the day I eat very healthily as I know that food is very beautifying as well as anti-ageing. However, in the evening I loose control of my desire for junk food so I allow myself to binge on junk which I vomit up immediately afterwards. For me bulimia benefits me in two ways, it helps me keep my weight down as well as helping me relieve my boredom. I do get board very easily. I enjoy myself when I am out on the town, at the cinema, watching films, shopping,  at theme parks with thrill rides or when I am having sex. Everything else is boring.

 

I know I’m the Bees’ Knees!

I know I am gorgeous and sexually desirable. Before I go out on the town I spend hours dolling myself up to perfection. I am very secretive about the amount of effort I put into my appearance though. I work out 4 to 5 times a week to keep my body toned to perfection. I have also had some plastic surgery. I know I am beautiful enough to win modelling competitions and I enter these regularly.

When I am out on the town I know I am the best looking girl in the whole town. I love getting attention from men and if I don’t get any compliments on a night out I feel very frustrated! When I am talking to men I desire in pubs and clubs I use my powers of seduction and charm as well as lies to make myself seem very impressive. I have been known to turn on the charm and flattery to get men to buy me drinks if my money runs out. I find myself mimicking silver screen goddesses and quoting lines from films.

I really want to be able to dance as people who can dance get more attention however this is something I have never been able to do! I am very stiff all the time and I just don’t know how to lose myself in the rhythm which most people find so easy to do. I bought myself a dance instruction dvd, I’ve leant a couple of simple dance moves from it and I just repeat these moves over and over to get by on the dance floor. I still look pretty stiff though. People have also commented that I have a “snobby” look about me.

Thanks for reading my story, I have put in a lot of detail because I really want an accurate diagnosis.

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Hi Anna, wow what a long post. I am not a mental health professional but it sounds to me like you have a personality disorder, probably narcissistic personality disorder, maybe borderline personality disorder, or they can be comorbid (occur together). if you want to change this and improve your relationships with people therapy can be really helpful. The only way to know for sure is to see a psychologist or psychiatrist to get an accurate diagnosis. I don't live in the UK do I'm not sure what mental health services are available under the NHS. For borderline personality disorder dialectical behaviour therapy is the therapy of choice. Not sure for narcissistic PD. But however you go to see make sure they are highly experienced in treating personality disorders. And realise that while it is possible to improve it us going to take a lit if hard work on your part, and a lot of therapy. and the part that will make it challenging is that you will need to build a relationship of respect and trust with your therapist and know that she will challenge your thoughts and feelings and hold you accountable for your behaviour. That is a good thing, but you will likely find it threatening, possibly even hate her for it. It will take emotional courage to stick with therapy if you choose to do it. But the results will be well worth it for you, your daughter and for any future relationships. All the best.
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Possibly, you would need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist for an answer
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talk to a doctor about getting help or maybe a phyciatrist

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I'm afraid to do that incase I get into trouble with social services. It has to be online where I can be anonymous.
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Hi Anna, why are you worried social services would get involved? Are you a danger to your child? Yourself? Someone else? If so, you really need to get some help. If not, help couldn't hurt. You will only get so far on a forum like this. no-one here can give you the definitive answers you seek. Nor can they treat you or really help you. if you want annonymous help try calling Samaritans. They are not just a suicide line. They will talk through your issues with you and support you in accessing the help you need. And they are annonymous. Because they are based in the UK they will beaable to assist you in working out if your fears of social services are grounded, and how to get help. Wishing you all the best.
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I'm worried about the psychiatrist calling social services beause I am an escort. I am not a danger to anyone and my daughter is not involved in anyway with what I do during the day while she is at school. I am not really looking to seek help in anyway, just want some third party perspective really. Thank you for your kind suggestions though.
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Hi Anna, I understand your fear but I wouldn't have thought being an escort is grounds for reporting you to social services. Not if you are a good parent, there is no sign if abuse and your child is kept completely separate from your work life. Here escorts are licenced so it would be weird for one arm of the government to say 'that's ok, and by the way we will ask you to pay tax" and on the other hand say "you are a danger to your child for engaging in a profession that we legally sanction". But I understand your caution. I would feel the same and be really careful about who knew. All the best
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If you continue to feel those cruel emotions, maybe find a way to displace it. Other than that, you're pretty normal.
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