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Hiii well me and my boyfriend have been going out for four years He is 22 right now and im 18 and we started having sex at 6 months it was always great and he would never have a problem getting an erection i one day found out he watched porn and was no too happy about it so i told him to stop he didnt (because he said he couldnt stop)so this went on for a while me telling him not to and him not stopping so i finally kinda sorta accepted it after researching it for a long time and everyone basically saying it was fine as long as it didnt interfere with our sex life( dont get me wrong i just tried to pretend he didnt do it when because it upset me so much), but anyway there was one weird day when he could not get hard and he told me it was because he had been looking at porn and that is why i got really mad and upset and told him we needed a brake to fix his problem so we didnt see each other for two weeks (we usually see each other almost everyday) and i saw him on valentines cause i was hoping we would make up but when we tried to have sex he would not get hard at all i asked him if he had looked at porn and he said no he got offended because he said "you really think i would again when this is happening and that is probably why" so i started trying oral because he always gets an erection when i do and he would not get it so i tried everything but he still wouldnt i got really upset and didnt know what to do or say so i told him he should seek help and didnt see him for a week then i saw him and he was hard by me so we went to his house to try it but when i took off my shorts he got soft that is when i started crying cause i realized maybe it was me and he kept saying it wasnt and getting upset so after that we decided he would go to the doctor on a monday which is his only day off but on that weekend Saturday we saw each other and suprinsingly while making out he got hard and we had sex three consecutive times but the first two he came within the first two mins so afterwards i thought maybe he didnt need help anymore because the next day we had sex again i was really happy because i thought it was just a temporal problem and we discussed it and he said he believed it was the porn and after that for we didnt have sex until 3 days after and it was great but now today he couldnt get hard AGAIN and he had said it was because he jacked off yesterday because he thought the problem was gone...so now im confused, what should i do? is it me? is it him? porn? and if he needs to go to the doctor what kind of doctor should he got to? Any Advice will help.

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It sounds like you are struggling with some realities of sex, and trying to make it work.

A lot of people will read what you wrote, and blame it all on the porn.
others will say it's just him or just that the two of you weren't meant for each other.

But I take a different tack...
You both need to know that men can't always get hard or erect on demand. ALL men have experiences where they become soft sooner than they might like. And men also are visually stimulated. If they find they are aroused easily by what the can find in porn, then they may find they prefer that immediate gratification cause it's faster, with less complications. But, we all get tired of the same thing all the time.

If we could only eat steak each meal, we'd grow very tired of it fast...and there would come a point where we would not be hungry when presented with it.
The fact that your bf was able to be become hard and complete the act with you tells me that there is still an interest in you, and that there is hope.

However, the fact that he masturbated and then wasn't interested in sex or couldn't get firm the next day on demand DOES NOT MEAN THAT HE CAN'T LATER.
ALL men masturbate. Your bf will not stop that behavior. But if he feels that the porn is getting in the way of your relationship, he CAN put it asside. He may prefer it, or he may decide to only use it once in a while. But he CAN control that behavior, in favor of being with you.

Give this some time, and don't
be too hard on him or on you.
In any relationship, there will be some times when you just won't be able to have sex or intercourse on demand. Acceptance and finding other means of expressing your love for each other should be part of your relationship.

Good luck.
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This is OP(I made an account after I wrote the question) I didn't know how to reply but to the first answer so you're basically saying its me -_- I knew it I've had some depression and have attempted to commit suicide numerous times because of how ugly I think I am and so I guess it is me...Regardless of what he said I also think it is me either I'm just ugly compared to the porn girls that is why he probably can't get an erectionn fmfl.
And I know that for the sake of our relationship I tell him to stop cause obviously idk y porn now causes him not to get erect and he still does it anyway and each time says it was the last time and he didn't know y he did it and he didn't think it was wrong even now with this problem :-( I honestly feel he can't control it but he says he can which makes me feel like he just does it well knowing it will cause him not to be able to please me.
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Please, don't let anyone or anything make you think that this is your fault - he can't get an erection because he probably masturbates far to much while watching the porn and you are absolutely right - if he does want things to work out with you, than he needs to decide what is more important, acting like a turned on teenager or having a healthy relationship with you. Because from what I've read from your post you are trying to please him and do all you can to make things work but it is his addiction to porn that is ruining things. There are tons of guys who will do all it takes to get someone like you, so please, don't let anyone to drag you along when it is so obvious that he is the one who simply doesn't want to make an effort. And I know how it is to feel like you are the ugliest and least worthy person almost because of the sam e reason like you are facing now, so feel free to PM me if you want to talk to someone who has been there.
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Health Ace
6880 posts
I think you've created this yourself. You've expressed so many negative feelings about his normal sexuality that when you want him to perform for you he just loses it. Men are turned on by a girl who likes and wants sex and turned off by a girl who acts like their mother telling them this is bad and I don't like you doing this.

You are going to have to convince him that you have changed your opinions and you want him to be able to express his sexuality without fearing your disapproval.
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This OP again, well you have some point and i've never even thought about this, but i mean i know im not the only girl who acts like this towards Porn its just a topic that many disagree with most men of course say its normal while it hurts most girls and that is just the way it is if the tables were turned and i pleasured myself to other guys' penis all the time instead of having sex with my boyfriend i'm pretty sure he would feel the way i feel, but in the other hand i don't and porn does not interest me at all. But i changed my opinions about what? And i do like sex i love it and i act like a different person in bed seriously i do everything he wants i just do believe this could be true but not im my situation, but ill bring it up to him and see what he says about this... o.O
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User avatar
Health Ace
6880 posts
I'm not saying you are wrong to not like porn but just don't make him feel you are judging him negatively over it.

We need to first have a desire and if something turns off that desire or affects it negatively, things don't work well.

Let me tell you something that happened to me once. Maybe it will help you understand more about how we males work.

There was an episode of Cheers where Sam is following Dianne out the door and he pats her on the butt. She turns and says "We agreed not to do it tonight". Sam replies "I can't help it, it's in my genes". She replies "and that's where it's going to stay".

My wife stomped out of the room and up to bed saying "that's disgusting, that show's a waste of film".

Well, that statement sure turned me off from any thoughts I had about having sex with her that night.

Even though I had been thinking about it, I felt any desire I had for her at that moment, just drain away.

So some things that are said can have a very negative affect on how a guy's system works.
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This is called performance anxiety. Everything works, but unfortunately his mind is making it hard for him to perform because he feels pressured when attempting intercourse with you. 

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In this day and age of internet porn, excessive masturbation is destroying young men's sexual well beings. It is an enormous power to have access to millions/billions of naked women at a push of a key. various shapes and sizes, lots of choices. This is the primary desensitizing factor for guys especially if they're young. the problem is over-stimulation leads to ultra heightened senses which in turn leads to desensitization. reward and responsibility is out of sync (simply, rich rewards for little to none responsibility). you obviously won't be able to find your girlfriend attractive if you are looking at porn stars everyday. In conclusion, it's not totally his fault that he is in this situation. the solution is to do things in moderation. reduce the porn intake and masturbation output. try it (don't lie to yourself) to see if it works. sometimes it's deeply psychological. You can see professional as the last resort. whatever you do, do not "punish" him for the behavior, you need to "guide" him to enjoy his time with you. DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR FEMALE FRIENDS! (unless they are professional for this kind of thing). Your female friends will only give you generic advice that will not only fail to work but also going to push him further away from you. You cannot tell him to stop watching porn or masturbate. ever tried to tell someone to stop drinking or smoking? IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! he's just fulfilling his biological need by using the way that is available to him. religious nuts already turned this into a very taboo practice, you don't wanna fan the flames and push him away. if you really care about him, guide him with positive criticism and help him out. when i say "help him out", i'm not telling you to jump his bone...what i'm suggesting is to make him more comfortable around you with this kind of stuff. Take interest in his sexual well being as well as yours, encourage him to take interest in your sexual well being too. make it an activity that you both do together. contrary to popular belief, guys do not want to have intercourse all the time....that's biologically not possible. there are so many other things you can do to distract him from it. If you think you're nervous, imagine how he feels with his soft penis in his hand standing in front of you....the worst thing you can do is to kick him when he's down (literally) lol. but whatever you do, do not tell him to stop doing something without giving him alternative option. If he's like most guys, he will NEVER EVER listen to you otherwise. even if he stops (in front of you), he'll secretly hate you for it...and still does it behind your back. (which is exactly why he got offended when you asked him if he watched porn again). it's psychology 101. I know you were too young to understand all that because you were 18, just keep that in mind for your future relationships.

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