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i am a 17 year old female and have been in a 2 year relationship with a 19 year old male. He is a virgin, and the whole time we have been dating we have not successfully made love. He is able to become hard majority of the time, but cannot sustain an erection. He has no problem when it comes to receiving oral sex, but has an issue staying hard when trying to have intercourse. he will not go to the doctor because he is too embarassed and avoids the topic. this issue is beginning to take a toll on our relationship as we are not cnnecting on the level we should be, and i have run out of ideas. This issue has taken a toll on my self image, as i feel it is my fault and i am not attractive enough. what could this problem be and can i hve some advice????


I think that the problem is not in you, the problem is in him because he is not able to maintain sufficient erection, I think this is his mental problems, he can use some ED pills like Viagra and that finally will help me to achieve good erection and make him more confident, after several times he will be able to maintain erection without meds


Don't worry. This is definitely not your fault but it's not your boyfriend's fault, either.

According to your description, this seems to be a case of sexual performance anxiety (coital anxiety). This problem is extremely common. I used to suffer from the same thing for many years until I decided to do something about it. Today I'm 33 y.o. and my sex life is perfectly normal.

If I could do it, so can you. Sexual performance anxiety is, in fact, easily treatable. You'll have to be extremely patient and supportive, though. Don't make a big deal of this, it would only make your boyfriend even more anxious. Panic never helps.

I've talked about my experience several times before, so I'll just copy what I said in another forum to a guy with the same problem. I hope you'll find it helpful:

'a) First and foremost, try not to worry (easier said than done, I know). Like I said, there's no reason for concern and this is easily treatable.

b) Do some research on the subject of sexual performance anxiety. Read books, talk to doctors, search the Internet. The more you know about these problems, the less stressful they will be.

c) Start by doing some research on the infamous 'fight or flight response'. When you get too anxious, the release of stress hormones constricts peripheral circulation so that blood can get to your vital organs (heart, lungs) more rapidly. The penis is not a vital organ. In fact, the last thing you need when you're facing a stressful/dangerous situation (e.g. involved in a fight, escaping a lion) is an erection! This is why sex and anxiety don't go well together.

d) Anxiety is closely related to depression and depression is also a major cause of erectile failure. Erections start in the brain and if the brain isn't working properly, sexual problems may arise. Moreover, most antidepressants (e.g. SSRIs) can cause or worsen sexual dysfunction.

e) Sex is all about relaxation. If possible, take a nap or a hot shower before sex. This can do wonders for your sexual performance. The warm water will relax you and dilate the vessels that bring blood into the penis to form an erection.

f) And, of course, a healthy lifestyle is essential. Stop smoking and eat healthy. Get some exercise, too: this will decrease your stress levels and improve your blood circulation, as well as your testosterone levels.

g) The sensate focus technique may be helpful. Start with 'small' things (kissing, oral sex) and don't even think about penetration; then gradually move to penetration. Sex is much, much more than just penetration.

h) Try to find a sexual position that you feel more comfortable with. I prefer the woman on top: he's in control of things and I don't have to worry about penetration.

i) A penis ring can be very effective. It will strengthen your erections and delay your ejaculation. It is, however, a bit uncomfortable and you shouldn't wear it for more than 30 minutes. If you're interested, I suggest you try the famous ACTIS device manufactured by a pharmaceutical company called VIVUS, or you can just buy one in any sex shop.

j) If the situation persists for more than three months, consult a urologist. It's no shame to seek professional help. Even if this is just psychological, a urologist can prescribe you an effective treatment. In my case, a simple visit to a urologist solved all my problems. I wish I had done it sooner!

k) You're right, you're still very young and you should avoid taking ED meds, at least not without the supervision of your urologist. Self medication is always a risk. If, however, your doctor prescribes you Viagra, just go ahead and do it. These drugs are very effective, incl. in cases of psychogenic ED: they will improve your erections and make you more confident. Moreover, they are just a transitory solution: once you become more confident and overcome your anxiety, you won't need them anymore.

l) Viagra is not the only solution, though. There are other PDE-5 inhibitors available (Cialis, Levitra) and there's a new ED drug that I really like called VIGAMED (oral phentolamine). VIGAMED is not a PDE-5 inhibitor, it is an entirely new drug that increases blood flow to the penis via the sympathetic nervous system. VIGAMED (formerly known as Vasomax) is not available in the US but it is a licensed ED treatment in South America and you can order it online: Again, consult your doctor before you decide to try VIGAMED or any other drug.'

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