I'm hoping someone can help me but my situation is slightly different from all yours... I'm 44, with 4 teenagers and a loving marriage. Hubby and i in a drunken state went and did something out of the ordinary for the first time and i felt pregnant with someone else, (a friend). The morning after pill failed and bloodtests confirmed my pregnancy. The stress and terror i went through was excruciating. The pressure and emotions of the "dad to be" were too much to handle. (He's married with 2 kids under 5s). Me as a good girl, Christian, would you believe it, reached for the abortion option as i literally freaked out. (What to tell my kids and their girlfriends? My parents would die from shame. Not to mention my husbands parents. What was "he" gonna do, if after 18 yrs another kid appeared on his doorstep etc etc etc etc ) Yet, im not pro abortion! "He" said he would pay for everything but couldn't force me. I can't remember what my husband said... he was ok either way. He would fight if i was to keep it. I didnt sleep. I was an absolute mess. I spoke to counselors from the abortion clinic and i made an appointment regardless my fear and distress. I knew i didn't / couldn't kill the life inside me, but the turmoil it caused and all that was involved was too much for me to handle. Basically i hadn't totally made up my mind i guess, but then fate took it in its own hands and i aborted 3 days before my appointment. .... 9 months on and I'm looking back and i wondered ever so often why i was so depressed all the time and still are? Why have i and still are, lost my joy for life? My appetite, my zest for life? Im sooo deeply depressed that i drink certain days away. I hadn't been able to put my finger on it, but i think it is this: would i have gone through with it or wouldn't i have? Was i able of killing this baby? Really? The thoughts are so confusing and debilitating; i can't get my head around it. Please help i dont know where to start. I live in australia.