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Ok, I dont know where to start... The beginning.. I met this man I was falling in love, married him,got pregnant with twins rite away, I already had a 3 going on 4 yr old son by another man before i met my husband... When i found out i was pregnant i was sort of happy, really I dont really remember what emotion i was feeling at the time. I went to my first appointment and had a sono and found out i was having twins. I was scared to death. To be honest i didnt want to have them but i did because he wanted me too. when I told him that i didnt want to have the babies he made me feel gulity, he told me that i didnt want to have them because i Didnt love him. So through out the entire pregnancy i was depressed and never seeked help and its been almost three yrs and im still depressed ,Now they are here and I love them with all my heart and soul but at times I regret having them.

Its a sad thing to say but its the truth. I feel like my life is no longer my life its like im living in my husbands world with his kids. I am just a body. Im starting to resent my husband, because i feel like he wanted me to have them but now that there here he doesnt even wanna be bother with them. When he gets home from work he wants to be left alone. He also gets really annoyed and irritated by them. I spoke to him about it and he says he will try to make a better effort to control his attitude. He does change for a while but then he goes back to being that same ole person.

My marriage is falling apart, Im falling apart. I have no help, no family,no friends, I dont want to go out.. Alot of the time i just want be left alone. I dont want my husband to touch me, I dont want my kids to want me. I just want to me alone.

Im beginning to think i have some kind of mental disorder. most of the women in my family do. I thought I would be a better mother then mines was but Im starting to think that I am the same but just in a different way. My kids are takien care of and they have everything they need but what they dont have is a mother who is mentally stabled and a mother is who is effectionate... I mean I do give affection but I dont think what i give is enough...Everyday when i wake up I hate waking up... I feel like i am a horrible mother. even though Im here with them im not really there. They deserve better But i dont know how to be better. I know I need counseling or some kind of therapy but i cant afford it. Im lost and im affraid that i will continue to stay the same and nmy kids will end up hating me... All i cant do is hope one day i will wake up and be a better mother and a better wife... I dont know how im goin to change I just know i want too.

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Hi Honey! Please know that you are not alone in your feelings! I think - I study people all the time, so bare with me OK? - that you probably had reservations about your husband before you became pregnant. You probably knew he was insecure about your relationship etc, but it was solidified wen he made the comment about 'If you loved me!" That is emotional black mail isn't it! And you resent that, and probably always will! It's not like he said "If you loved me you would let me go and see the game with my buddies"! He was saying "If you love me, I want you to give up the next 18 or so years of your life AND still do everything you ahve been doing while taking care of a toddler and 2 new babies!"

Regret is a POWERFUL emotion, as are feelings of Betrayl, Jealousy, Hatred, Rage, Love, Embarrassment etc. So you stil have issues with Regret - Oh I wish that I had just stayed with 1 child! Betrayl - you feel betrayed by your husband, for basically not standing up to his end of the bargain, with helping with the children and being bugged by them, Love - as in you love your family, but are filled with this pit in your stomach that THIS isn't what you really wanted with your life! Before the twins came along, perhaps subconsciously you were thinking twice about your future with your husband, and then when they babies came along it was his way of "Solidifying the deal" and you feeling like "Well that's IT for me then!!!! >:( :'( "

I don't know if it is depression with you - as depression goes anyway! I think it is more animal than that! I think it is a sense of betrayal, and regret - which CAN eat you up!

IF you feel like you are depressed, then ask for it, go to your doctor and they have certain questions to see if you are! In the meantime I want you to think of this "Who do I resent more? 1. My babies! 2. My husband! 3. Myself for not solving this before! r 4. My family for making me feel that I HAVE to do better than them, and I HAVE to prove it to myself and the world, that their dysfunction is NOT going to destroy me!!!

So really do some soul searching honey, BEFORE seeing the doctor for a perscription OK? This way you can start your therapy WELL before the treatment. Also I think it would be a good idea for you to see a professional counsellor! How would you feel about that?
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Thank you, I really appreicate all that youve said. I Agree %100. Reading what you wrote made alot of sense. I am feeling regret and betrayal. I just dont know how to get passed it... I love my husband and I also know that my husband loves me with all his heart. also his kids too. I think we both might need to go to counselling together and me separate.. I do have some issues about my up bringing and all the things thats happen to me in my life and was never able to talk about it with anyone.. I have abondoment issues with my mother. I also believe i am depressed. I believe i have been for sometime , even before i met my husband. Its just after i had my son I got my stuff together , I started working and making my own money and doing everything i was suppose too. I felt alittle better once i started working and my son was in good day care while i was at work. I think I was happy with the way things were and thats my problem. I have to get over whatever its thats stoping me from being a good mother to my kids and a better wife to my husband. and the thing you said about couselling..I think thats a great idea. Im just going to have to find a place that i can afford. Thanks for your reply.. It helped me think about alot. :-)
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Your welcome honey! Eastern beliefs say we have Chakras - energy points throughout our bodies - our heart chakra is the color green with a small amount of the color pink in the middle of it! Green means ALL encompassing love - love of everyone to you etc. The pink however; means love of self, in the way that you HAVE to love yourself before someone can love you! Which is TOTALLY true isn't it? If you have "hangups" how do you move forward with those, always holding you back! I think it would be an awesome idea for you to take counselling first, to get to the root of your feelings! Then couples counselling would be the next step, once you feel more confident in yourself and your steps forward, the more confident you can move forward together - regardless if you husband is insecure or not! Also like I said, if you feel depressed, and need assistance for that, then DEFINITELY get the help! Good luck to you and your family!
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