Hi
I Was a regular toker up until about 2 weeks ago, I am 21 and I smoked everyday for about 4 years.
I have done all that was in my title but never regularly, about 2 months before i started smoking I was getting (and still am to some degree) paranoid thougts.
I thought I was losing my Marbles, I watched TV, spoke to people and literally anything was making me think I was going to harm somone and as soon as I thought about these things It was making me feel Terrible as this is somthing I definitely do not ever want to experience. After all why would anyone want to harm a loved one, or even think that they may be capable of it.
This week I went to see the doctor and told him how I was feeling and I have been refferred for councilling which I am really looking forward to.
Anyway to add a little more, my family history which I think to a degree got me thinking this way especially the way my father spoke about it when i was younger.
My step brother had some terrible expereinces early on his life and was subseqently diagnosed as schizophrenic which led to him commiting suicide.
My sister suffers from severe depression at times, she recently divorced and from what she has told the family he treat her terribly almost to a point where she was mentally controlled by him into sisuations you should never put a mother through.
After all this I thought I was going the same way, but I have not experienced any of the symtoms apart from the initial thought I had which I am controlling now, but I did get myself into a Vicious circle of thinking i was low for thinking what i was thinking.
My doctor told me If i didnt control it, It would control me.
While smoking I started looking into the Illuminati and other conspiracy theories and also about the "true" nature of reality.
This truely expanded my mind in ways which were truely unnesacry a they never had a positive effect on my life and my way of thinking it was more of a "If we are truely all sheep being controlled then whats the point".
Im not sure why I am writing this but Im finding writing about how Im feeling is helping me. Also using the rubber band trick to stop or avert the negative thoughts.
Today though I have been out for a walk with our dog and it was fun, I seem to find refuge in speaking to people who are clearly in a worse position than me. Not in a im better than you way but i know toher people wont give them the time of day and I am not one of those people.
I also made an alphabatised list of what I am happy and grateful for.
Never realised I had so much positivity in my life and love.
I also read somthing today which seemed significant to me when I read it.
"When things seem like they are falling apart, they are truely falling together".
Anyway thats enough about me.
Thanks for reading and sorry if my writing seems a little erratic as I am dyslexic and as you probably may guess writing isny my strong point. LOL
I Was a regular toker up until about 2 weeks ago, I am 21 and I smoked everyday for about 4 years.
I have done all that was in my title but never regularly, about 2 months before i started smoking I was getting (and still am to some degree) paranoid thougts.
I thought I was losing my Marbles, I watched TV, spoke to people and literally anything was making me think I was going to harm somone and as soon as I thought about these things It was making me feel Terrible as this is somthing I definitely do not ever want to experience. After all why would anyone want to harm a loved one, or even think that they may be capable of it.
This week I went to see the doctor and told him how I was feeling and I have been refferred for councilling which I am really looking forward to.
Anyway to add a little more, my family history which I think to a degree got me thinking this way especially the way my father spoke about it when i was younger.
My step brother had some terrible expereinces early on his life and was subseqently diagnosed as schizophrenic which led to him commiting suicide.
My sister suffers from severe depression at times, she recently divorced and from what she has told the family he treat her terribly almost to a point where she was mentally controlled by him into sisuations you should never put a mother through.
After all this I thought I was going the same way, but I have not experienced any of the symtoms apart from the initial thought I had which I am controlling now, but I did get myself into a Vicious circle of thinking i was low for thinking what i was thinking.
My doctor told me If i didnt control it, It would control me.
While smoking I started looking into the Illuminati and other conspiracy theories and also about the "true" nature of reality.
This truely expanded my mind in ways which were truely unnesacry a they never had a positive effect on my life and my way of thinking it was more of a "If we are truely all sheep being controlled then whats the point".
Im not sure why I am writing this but Im finding writing about how Im feeling is helping me. Also using the rubber band trick to stop or avert the negative thoughts.
Today though I have been out for a walk with our dog and it was fun, I seem to find refuge in speaking to people who are clearly in a worse position than me. Not in a im better than you way but i know toher people wont give them the time of day and I am not one of those people.
I also made an alphabatised list of what I am happy and grateful for.
Never realised I had so much positivity in my life and love.
I also read somthing today which seemed significant to me when I read it.
"When things seem like they are falling apart, they are truely falling together".
Anyway thats enough about me.
Thanks for reading and sorry if my writing seems a little erratic as I am dyslexic and as you probably may guess writing isny my strong point. LOL
Loading...
Somthing else I wanted to add aswell just to put it into perspective.
MY dad (I dont blame him for this) told me half brother Bobby who killed himself took mushrooms, LSD, Marijuana and started to look into material which fed his paranoia.
See any similarities?
But here I go again trying to diagnose myself, im not saying I am mentally ill im just saying would it be unreasonable to feel this way simply through experiences i had in the past.
Antoher example would be when i was a child I stayed at bobbys home with his wife and son.
That night I missed my parents and cried and couldnt sleep.
Bobby sat next to me and I can say confidently he made me feel scared, As if he was going to do somthing after all i was told he thought he could speak to god/higherpowers through a tv and a radio.
I only remember this though on Monday after I had been to see the doctor I instantly wrote a song about it detailing why I had thought this and to a degree blaming family members for the route he followed.
My dad even told me the other day He accepts responsiblity to a degree for what happend as when bob was 14 he found out his real dad wasnt his real dad, and that my dad was his real dad. And after this he fell ill with a discease cant remeber which one but it put him in a really bad way.
I know this will all come out when i see my councillor but i can see myself being in for a long wait as it will be on the UK's NHS service, notorious for being horribly slow.
MY dad (I dont blame him for this) told me half brother Bobby who killed himself took mushrooms, LSD, Marijuana and started to look into material which fed his paranoia.
See any similarities?
But here I go again trying to diagnose myself, im not saying I am mentally ill im just saying would it be unreasonable to feel this way simply through experiences i had in the past.
Antoher example would be when i was a child I stayed at bobbys home with his wife and son.
That night I missed my parents and cried and couldnt sleep.
Bobby sat next to me and I can say confidently he made me feel scared, As if he was going to do somthing after all i was told he thought he could speak to god/higherpowers through a tv and a radio.
I only remember this though on Monday after I had been to see the doctor I instantly wrote a song about it detailing why I had thought this and to a degree blaming family members for the route he followed.
My dad even told me the other day He accepts responsiblity to a degree for what happend as when bob was 14 he found out his real dad wasnt his real dad, and that my dad was his real dad. And after this he fell ill with a discease cant remeber which one but it put him in a really bad way.
I know this will all come out when i see my councillor but i can see myself being in for a long wait as it will be on the UK's NHS service, notorious for being horribly slow.
Loading...
You're fine, really. The fact that you even contemplate the concept of good v bad, right v wrong, and sanity v psychosis is a good indicator you are on the right side. I'm not a doctor, nor am I qualified to help you, it just seems like common sense to me. Some people have a need to hold onto reality with a strong grip, yet they live in a very spiritual realm. If you stop holding on so tightly and embrace your spirit, you will find that the physical realm will just sort of work out for you. The harder you grasp, the worse it gets. I'm not saying give up or give in, I'm saying relax and go with life. That being said, no more phychadelics for you please. I don't think it is a good path for you. For some, sure, maybe, but not for you. Try something else like golf or meditation, you'll get more out of it.
Loading...