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I'm sorry if this doesn't really count...But I really need some parental advice as to what to do in my situation...

I come from a highly abusive background (I am seventeen) from years of physical, verbal, and some sexual abuse from my father...For a long time, I was close to no one, aye, I had a few 'good' friends, but it wasn't until six or seven years after the abuse began that I told a friend...who to my knowledge still has not told anyone...my father made the mistake of abusing me once while my family was home, and they all saw him throw me head first into a wall...this brought about my parent's divorce...that was in 2001, the divorce took a long time to become finalized (my mother didn't move out until 2003 I believe)...anyways...I had become really close to my mother during those years...and until recently, I have remained so...in ninth grade I feared she didn't love me anymore because she ignored me a lot, and that has happened maybe twice after that (I am a senior now)...But within the last few weeks it has gotten worse again, and I do not know what to do...I can walk in the room and both my mother and my brother will either leave or completely ignore me, even if I say hello and I love you...The only thing I have done to upset them is hang out with my boyfriend more than them, but some of the things have been going on for much longer than I have been dating my boyfriend, so I do not believe this is the case...things like my sister leaving half drunk water bottles all over the house (she always drinks a few sips to half of a drink and then leaves on the floor or wherever she is), and my mother didn't even mention it to my sister, she called me out of the computer room from doing schoolwork and began yelling at me about wasting her money and making a mess of the house (the only messes I have are in my room, and I admit, it is pretty dang messy...but no one but me goes in there anyways), and I have a rack in the bathroom which could be organized to be a bit more appealing...

Also...she gave us each one dish day a week (not bad, I'm not complaining at all) but she gave us the threat of being forced to live with our father (whom we all dislike in the extreme) if we didn't do our dishes three times in a row...of course, she didn't clarify this until I asked her how many chances we had, so we were all terrified we only got one chance (it is so easy to forget what day is what and whose is whose and so on...especially when you've been taking meds that affect memory)...anyways...my brother and sister both forgot the first week, and she gave them freebies, she told me herself...and then on the third week I forgot...and she got really mad and yelled at me for twenty minutes...and when I brought up the fact that my brother and sister got one freebie, she got even more mad and lectured me on how the circumstances were not the same, and how I needed to be more mature and stop...how did she put it...blaming other people...I don't see how that is blaming the other people...I am sure she is referring to my brother's famous "your face" jokes...but I'll mention that in a minute...anyways...I did the dishes the next day without a word...

And on the subject of dishes, I usually did them at least once a week anyways, but she never noticed, she said I never did them, and so did my brother (who was never home except for one or two meals a day), yet, my brother has done dishes maybe...seven times (I don't even believe that many times) in the last two years...and every time he does it she thanks in a cheery voice and tells him what a wonderful son he is, and how much it means to her that he did the dishes (and they're always dirty and I have to rewash them afterwards)...Frell, I cleaned up the house too when it got messy! But does she care? No! She doesn't even notice...So I just gave up on doing that....

And this has been going on for a year or more...where I'll say something is gross (like porn or rotten food), he'll be like..."YOUR FACE IS GROSS!" or he'll just say "YOUR FACE IS UGLY!!!" "YOUR FACE IS FAT AS TWO BADLY PARKED VOLKSWAGONS" or however you spell that car's name... and when I say "LEAVE ME ALONE!" in a raised voice, or "Shut up please..." my mom gets infuriated at me for 'starting' a fight...Why is it she could be doing this? My brother mind you, is nineteen, I am seventeen, and my sister is eleven...My sister tells my mom everything I say, so I can't talk to her about this and get her opinion...she'll tell anything about me to anyone to get what she wants (when I wouldn't play barbies with her she told me she'd tell my boyfriend that I had stretch marks....and then she said she'd tell him where too...haha...I found it amusing to see her face when I told her that he already knew, because I told him) but anyways...yeah....

My mom and brother have been talking about me a lot the last two or three days, saying I'm fat, ugly, lazy...I am none of those, I am currently taking a break from stressing out, I just went of a gazillion anti-psychotics, and I'm still getting over withdrawals (I quit suddenly, VERY stupid thing to do) I'd lost about fifteen pounds when I weighed at the doctor the other week, and I have lost at least another five-seven pounds in the last week or so...I am 5'8 and was 144 the other week...I was curious so I checked online to see if I was a normal weight...and the tests said I was (they ask for height and weight) but it really bothered me this morning...I don't remember for sure if they called me a ***, but I thought they did...anyways...my brother made a comment saying "She didn't do her dishes yesterday! I know what her punishment should be when she doesn't do the dishes! She shouldn't be allowed to eat anything for the whole day!" and then my mom laughed really hard and agreed, but told him it wasn't my dish day...everyone I know says' I'm skinny...but when people I love say things like that while they think I'm sleeping...is just...like...wow...anyways...the last two days, every time I try to say hello to my mom, she just ignores me, doesn't even look up/at me or anything...It's very, upsetting...I'm used to my brother not responding to me when I say "I love you"...but...my mom? She was my best friend...she was the only person keeping me here for quite awhile...

I was very suicidal starting at the age of about six, when my father began beating me...I always found something to cling to...whether it was a horse I was working with (I volunteered at a program for handicapped children at a stable when I was nine, because I loved horses so much, and because I got into a riding accident and they were the only people who could give me lessons, I loved volunteering there-I can remember the first day I did, the kids were endearing, the stories so bittersweet, the faces so happy, the horses so magnificent, we ended the day with running in the sprinklers in the arena...) or a cat...or a person...but...eh...

haha...I've been so emotional all day...I haven't cried...but I'm just...really hurt inside...the only person who loves me is my boyfriend, and he wasn't that reliable the first time we dated...I'm trying not to doubt him, because he says he loves me, and he says he wants to marry me next October, and I pray this love is real...I know I am young, but I feel this would be a good thing for me...

But if something happens, and he finds another girl...Heh...I am not staying here, I'll probably take myself out of this frieken reality...What is the point of living somewhere in which the people you love, and thought loved you, won't even acknowledge your presence? And when they do talk about you, it's nothing but cruel words...Frell...I can't wait to get out of here, I try being the good daughter, I try not to fight with anyone, I try to always be nice, I try to keep everyone happy, when I have money I only spend it on myself when necessary, and I always feel bad about that, and I love buying people presents...when I went to visit my grandparents during the summer...they had to give me a whole extra HUGE suitcase to carry all the presents home...And you know what?

THEY DIDN'T EVEN GIVE A *** sure, they said "oh...thanks..." but then they said..."What else did you get?"

As if a few hundred dollars worth of presents wasn't enough for them? As if all the loving poems and letters I wrote for my mom weren't enough? All the drawings, the random clay projects? Well...sheesh...nothing I frelling do is right, so why the hell am I here? Will someone tell me that PLEASE??? I ask the friggen people I am cursed/blessed with in my head...and they say they can't tell me...well whatever...they're just making it up...It sounds so nice to just go for a walk and never come back, maybe when school gets out one of these days, I'll just go to the intersection and lay down in the middle of it...No one will notice me in time, the road is full of angsty teens wanting to go home and watch porn or go shopping with their big ol' credit cards...or texting on their phones...gah...Well...I was considering doing that this morning while I listened to them talking...But, as long as I have someone here that seems to care, I'll be good...after all, if I don't get killed for some reason (I've probably survived more suicide attempts than almost anyone) I'll be sent to the damn hospital for weeks and put back on all those goddanged drugs that make me numb and dazed, who can't stay awake and who can't remember a thing...a total zombie...yeah, that's just how I want to live...I hate this...

I'm sorry that was so long...any input from any parents? What would cause you to do this to your daughter? What could they do to change it?

**edited by moderator**

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all parents are just the same
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I'm so sorry to hear that. I know it's bad for you just don't kill your self. If you marry your boyfriend you will be fine. If something happens and you don't, move out anyway get a job somewhere and start a new life on your own.
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it's beacuse she is blaming you for what happened with your father. she's angry at your father but-yet taking it out on you. which is very messed up. it was not your fault! yet because she can't believe, that it was all your father's doing-or the fact that she being the mom and being a wife. didn't know what was going on, or that she purposely ignored the tell tell signs. Shes blaming you. Forgive her of this, not for her sake, but for yours. Focus more of your time in something thats going to help you get out of that situation and into something worth meaning. stay in school, even find if you haven't already a church home. Because i'm telling no one with love you unconditionally like Jesus will. Than set realistic goals for yourself, and focus your time and energies on that. The Best tip I can give you is to keep writing, because you will be an author in no time. Sucess is how you break the ugly cicle

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