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My daughter has been getting into trouble at school. Her most recent was passing vulgar notes in class. I would like to know of an effective punishment for this. I had tried limiting her access to her fun stuff and she gets better only to mess up and be right back where we started with something new. Any suggestions for something that might really make an impression of me meaning business? I am at my wits end. I love her so much but I don't know what to do.

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Well what do you mean by vulgar?

If I were you I would just ground her depending on what you mean by vulgar. If she was just swearing in a note then no point in punishing her. But if she was insulting someone then yea I think that would warrant a punishment.
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Welcome to Parenthood my friend!!!! And yes, you ground her until she gets better then she does something else, so typical. That is what kids do.
How old is she? Is she the only child?
Passing notes in class is not so much a big deal, but nip it now as small annoyances will quickly turn into bigger ones, then your hands are full.
You grounded her for note passing, you did your parental duty, she accepted her fate but started up again. Yup, get used to that. What else has she been up to that has got your back up? Make sure the punishment fits the crime.
I have had 5 children, all grown now with children of their own. My 10 year old grandson is starting to spread his little wings and tries to push the envelope. My daughter has learned to be one step ahead of him at all times, as they think they are so much smarter than we are, and sometimes they are. She is asking me all the time..."what did you do when i did that?"
She is done trying to be the modern day mom. No more "now honey, you don't have your listening ears on".... she has never been corpral with any of the kids, other than a swat on the fanny as they are running past her, then they laugh at her anyway.
It's hard to be a parent and you have to be so careful how you correct them these days.
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Having lived in Africa and in the west (UK), I have come to the conclusion that African children are far more respectful to parents - not only their own, but anyone capable of parenting them - than children in the west. Our so much talk of human rights and turning anything into law has caught up with us in the west. Now we are not even allowed to give our children appropriate punishment that can turn them around and in some cases, safe their lives. A western child is free to have sex at 13, get pregnant and even abort without informing her parents. It is her right! Give your 15 year old 5 strokes of the cane if your neighbor would not call the police at once. And despite all the socalled rights they have, they are still not as happy as African children. Perhaps we should retrace our steps and return to our roots.
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I never got 5 strokes of the cane but i certainly got the wooden spoon or the old fashioned rubber soled sneaker across my back side. The hand was also used as a wonderful tool. I do not condone smacking a kid, but a good shot to the rear end is not so much a bad idea.
Kids today have it made as far as a spanking goes. They are so in tune with 911 that they use it as their come back. I will call 911 on you if you slap me. And many parents are scared of their own kids as well. My oldest is 33 and the youngest is 19 and they all have had their fair share of fanny floggins. We laugh about it today and they never once say "you beat me" they say, "i deserved it", but at the time they thought it was a fate worse than death. I never once used a spoon, a sneaker, a cord or a belt. God gave me a hand and that is what i used.
As far as our kids being free to have sex, everyone is free to it just depends on their morals and how far advanced they are. How much pressure can the kid with stand, and it's not in the way they were brought up. My girls were brought up with pride and respect and i did raise them well, pretty much by myself. They knew the difference between right and wrong. One could have the most well rounded and respecful child, it only takes one time no matter what the circumstances are. On the other hand, there are the kids whose parents just don't care and these kids do what ever they want, including spending time in jail.
It doesn't matter what culture you are or where you live or the color of your skin, as it could happen to the sweetest child or the most rotten one.
Kids that will smile at your face then turn around and stab you in the back.
I have never been to Africa, but a kid is a kid. I will say that our children of today are quite spoiled. Instead of getting outside and running around playing ball or riding bicycles like i did, they are just as content sitting on the computer or playing video games stuffing their faces with potatoe chips and pop, while mom and dad cater to their every whim. Rewards are earned and not handed out because the kid got up and managed to finish a whole day of school.
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i like and respect your parenting ideas bbfeet :). this is much how i was raised and i am very grateful for it. it has made me the respectful and level headed person i am today. i agree 100% with your statement of "i deserved it" :p i know i deserved my punishments. it's a shame though that as you say, these days kids are too smart about it. i heard that at my girlfriend's former high school they are now teaching a class about the students rights in society...though it is largely geared towards rights when being arrested which is a bit of a worry.
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I read over a lot of the responses in this thread but I don't even think what the parent originally did was even that wrong or unusual! I think that kids just tend to mess up a lot when they're teens because they're trying out their new independence and plus oh god puberty is the worst thing in the entire known universe to go through so that's always something to deal with too! I used to get kicked out of class all the time. I'm a relatively good guy now though :-) What do other people think?
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healthfitnessguy-

I couldn't agree with you more!
Teenagers will be teenagers. Sometimes you just have to let them grow up and learn what they've done is wrong.
I always prefered the "sit down and talk" with my daughter. That always got better results than punishment.
Maybe I was just lucky???!!!
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Your right KariB, teenagers will be teenagers, but, when you have 5 of them and they are going in all different directions, a mom would sometimes want to pull out her own hair!!! It would be wonderful if we could all just "sit down and talk" to our kids, this is where you obviously got lucky. I have 2 sons and 3 daughters, the boys i could ration with, the girls, not so much. The girls are head strong and determined, like me, the boys are calm and laid back, like their dad.
When i thought i made an impact with the "sit down we need to talk" thing, nine out of ten times it went off track. My girls would tell me what i wanted to hear, then do the complete opposite. And so it goes, teenagers will be teenagers.
We as parents have to be vigilant at all times and always be one step ahead of our kids, they are smarter than we give them credit for.

I have to laugh when i remember saying, "my princess wouldn't do that" lol please, it didn't take me long to pull my head out of my arse.
My girls would say, eeewww, smoking is horrible, stop smoking mom. I'll be drivin down the street and lo and behold, there is my anti smoke princess puffin away. That was many moons ago, it's over, they are grown with their own kids. I always told my girls that i wished they all had kids like they used to be, and ya know what, my girls are getting a run for their money now. The oldest grandson is 11 and he is already trying to push the envelope. I just sit back and remember when, back in the day when teenagers were just teenagers.
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I think punishment really only work well on the very young. As teens get older, the whole reward/punishment system doesn't work as well. The more egalitarian the family sistuation, I feel, the better the results. I remember when I was young I was doing poorly in school and my mom would yell about every single report card. I asked her at last to just let me try my best at school without her complaining all the time, and she agreed. My GPA went up by almost a full point. :)
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Very true. My son came home with a bad report, mainly because he hated a particular course, which was math,,by the way, yuck.
I was calm and spoke to him with no upset in my voice. He brought up his grade, not much, but he was doing the best he could consisdering he hated the subject. He passed it and that is all i could ask for. Now the daughter brought home one bad report card after the next. She hated phys. ed and she was the only girl i know that had her period every week so as to get out of swimming.
Her hair would frizz, her skin would get rough from the chlorine, her make up needed to be re done, the water bothered her eyes, one excuse after another.
Talking calmly to her went in one ear and out the other. She ended up failing that semester and had to go to summer school. I tried but it didn't work. I am not corporal so i had to use my mouth. We laugh about it now, but she was devestated because her summer was tied up that year. She never skipped phys. ed again and graduated with honors. She was her own worst enemy and she basically punished herself.
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I was reading through the forum looking for effective ways to "punish" children, & most of the time, it's either the "whack the kid" or "sit down & talk to them" method. but i need to know how to punish them. is it by taking away her cellphone? then how am i going to reach her in school when there's something urgent? do i ban her from facebook for a while? then she will use her friend's iphone in school to access facebook. ground her? it's easier on weekends cos she spends most of her time going out with me & her father, but i can't expect her to be home early after school cos she needs to stay back in school for remedials & extra lessons & her extra curricular activities.

my daughter is 15 this year & i'm beginning to realise that she's a pathological liar. i found out that she's been lying to me about her maths tution homework. the tutor called me last night to tell me that she hasn't been doing her homework since the beginning of the year. whenever i asked her if she's done her homework, she'll tell me that the tutor didn't give her homework because he knows that it's the beginning of the school year & she's already bogged down with schoolwork. well, the tutor told me that he gives the students loads of homework, but my daughter never does them & always tells him that she forgot to bring, forgot to do, forgot to bring the worksheets home, etc. she didn't even tell her tutor that she failed her recent class test cos she knows that will get her more homework. i've talked to her again & again that maths requires practice, if she doesn't put in the hours practising, she will never pass it. the tutor was expressing his concern because he notices that there hasn't been any improvements, & if there is any problems at home. there is no problem at home. my daughter is an only child & she gets whatever she wants. she's not like some of the students in her school who don't even have pocket money to go to school. compared to most of her friends, i would say my daughter is spoiled & pampered.

then the tutor tells me that he's also concerned because she uses vulgarities in his class. when she talks she always has to pepper in the four-letter word in her sentences. i was dismayed when i heard this. i can't remember the number of times i tell her do not use vulgarities in her speeches because it's a bad reflection of her personality & it really turns people off, especially boys she's trying to impress. & i always question her the necessity of using vulgarities 24/7. all along she told me that her friends always use vulgarities, & that she doesn't use them - & now i discover this.

her father was livid about it cos he had already spoken to her about this several months ago when he accidently came across her Facebook page & saw her cursing & swearing on her wall. last night, he confronted her & gave her a tight slap across the face. i had to intervene cos i didn't want it to get worse. but i was crying - & am still crying, with feelings of hopelessness.

i am very close with my daughter. we talk about everything. my husband blames me for being her friend, instead of her mother, but really, i just didn't want to be my mother. my mother was super strict and a total disciplinarian with me & i still rebelled against her, had pre-marital sex, got pregnant & got an abortion in my teenage years. i thought that by being more open with my daughter, i could save her from all that, but it's not happening.

i found out that she's had sex with her then boyfriend when she was 14 & my husband was enraged that i didn't do anything about it. what could i have done? i banned her from facebook until i could see that she was quite remorseful about it & made amends, i took her cell at 8pm every night & returned it to her only in the morning before going to school. i told her she couldn't go out with her friends for 3 months. & i had a heart-to-heart talk to her about it how she's too young for sex & will not understand the implications of a sexual relationship. & i thought for the last few months, she was alright, she listened to me, never broke curfew. what else could i have done?

now my husband is blaming me for being soft with her but i figured i can't push her away now, because, what if she runs away & gets even more damaged? he's always been a very strict disciplinarian & i've always hated the way he tried to discipline her, & have always interfered. but now that it's going this way & i need his help, he tells me it's too late.

just this morning, before she went to school she said, "if it makes you feel any better, mom, i'm sorry, even though i know you don't believe me". she has said this to me many, many times before, & each time, i gave her another chance, giving her the benefit of the doubt, realising that she's going through a difficult time growing up, & then she does it again. my husband has been admonishing me for giving her all these chances & believing all her BS. he has a really bad impression of her & i believe, actually dislikes her.

i need to know the steps & methods that can be done to get through to her. usually when i speak to her, she will show some improvement, & then, she lies & do something stupid again. it's like 1 step forward, & 2 steps back. i just don't know what to do anymore. before all these lies & sex happened, i thought we were the best mother-daughter team ever. i know everything that's going on in her school, in her life, & we were very close, until i found out that many of the things that she told me were lies. when i confronted her, she said, she had to make up stories cos if not, i wouldn't talk to her. everytime when i discover that certain stories were made up, i'm just disappointed & at the same time, worried, at the way she could actually make "full" stories, with people & characterisation & situations, & conversations among her friends - which never happened. sometimes, i will call her bluff & will tell her, ok, let me talk to that friend of yours to confirm that it happened, & then she will quickly come clean, & say that it was all made up. i'll be so disappointed & sad, & kept asking her why? why did you have to lie about something as trivial as that? & she makes it seem like it was my fault cos perhaps if i had talked to her more, then she wouldn't have to resort to making up stories.

my husband has always said that by listening to her stories, i'm actually letting her get better at it, & it will carry on until she's older. so i'm supposed to not listen to her? what do i do? not listen to her stories? not listen to her?

i'm just so dismayed & feel so helpless.
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just ground her for about to weeks that means to not allow her to use stuff like her ipod or her phone or a game just anything she loves and if she keeps mucking up then keep going up in weeks of grounding thats what my parents do to me and believe me it works because i m a boy and they ground me off the ps3 so then i learn...
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thank you for your response, Caleb. i've taken her cellphone for 2 weeks, i've changed the password to her facebook until further notice, so that she will not have access to it for the time being & no more outing with her friends until after her exams, which is in about 5 weeks. she didn't argue or bargain with me, i guess she realises that every action has consequences so she has to face the music. we'll see how it goes :-)
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Parenting teens can be an experience that is filled with victories and challenges. 
Commitment, communication and teamwork are crucial when parenting an out of control child. Don't focus on only the negative - A child cannot blossom in an environment of constant criticism. Find some positive things to focus on instead on holding on to every single mistake and poor judgment.


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