I don't even know where to start with this, there's so much to type.
Around the time I was 16 I started thinking everyone was out to get me. Everyone. In their own way. Everyone was using me for something, or everyone just despised me and I couldn't figure out why they hated me, when in actuality, these people were hanging out with me everyday.
I always feel like someone's in the house, watching me, be this person visible. Especially at night. When I go up the stairs I have to run, because a voice tells me if I don't make it up, I'm going to be taken over and someone else will take over my body. Or something else.
My room is horrendous. The only reason I'm cleaning it now, is because my parents will f*****g murder me if I don't, and kick me out.
I'm lazy as hell, with everything.
I'm so paranoid. When friends are over, I often just make up reasons to not do things. Such as not running back into my house real quick to grab something because my parents don't want the door opened. My family's really relaxed, that's not an issue.
My anxiety is through the roof, I smoke at-least a pack and a half of cigarettes a day. I smoke alot of pot just so I don't have to worry anymore, just to be screwed up and not worry about anything, be more social, things like that.
I compulsively lie, without thinking. Nothing that hurts anyone, I don't spread rumors, but simple sh*t. I can't help it. Once my mouth starts moving I can't stop it. My mood swings are off the hook, and I'm easily agitated, but luckily, growing up, I directed anger towards myself. I've always had the ability to look at what I'm doing with a second point of view, and be reasonable, but I do have serious delusional thinking, I can trick myself into thinking 2+2=5 if I truly wanted to.
My IQ is above average, and I'm 19 years old, male.
I don't have health insurance so I can't get this checked out....
I don't know what to do. I could bring this up to my dad but he's the type of guy that is old fashioned and doesn't believe there is anything wrong with me, I'm also diagnosed with ADHD. I really don't know if this is a figment of my imagination, my mind is always running. I'm always thinking. My thinking gets in depth, persuasive, thoughts connected with emotions taking on their own voices. I don't know if I should seek help or not, or how I would go about doing so.
ANd talking with my dad is NOT an option. Just won't happen. No convincing.
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If you can't afford to see a doctor, see someone in alternative medicine. See someone who can actually test you. Ask if they do muscle testing.
I do believe you can afford this, or a doctor, because you say you smoke pot and cigarettes. I don't mean to sound rude, but try giving those up at least for a time and instead use the money towards seeing a medical professional.
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Do get help, but these ideas in mind. Lots of what you are describing could be "high spectrum autism" -- Lots of those feelings. I am high spectrum. I have a friend next door who is schezophrenic. He's been on meds since 23 & it works out. He's in his 50's now. He's has a good life. Cigarettes help w/ schizophrenia. However, you can get similar symptoms from serious stress... That also happens to austistc people when very pressured. Lots of high spectrum autistic people have been mis-diagnosed as "ADHD" when the MD doesn't ask the rest of the questions. Being very smart is typical. Do you have problems w/ crowds? They make me sleepy! Or very sensitive hearing, I can hear dimmer switches! Look at high spectrum autism symptoms. Also, how schizophrenia comes on at your age/but it could be stress? OK? Please get help. Your school nurse could be a good start, she will know the free resources & support your rights to have medical care w/o your parents' interference. Please don't feel lonely. Have a great life. : )
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High Spectrum Autism -- can cause anxiety, when that happens to me, I use a very mild med called "Buspar" It's been around for years & has no known side effects. After a few days/weeks or whatever, you can take less or stop, there's no withdrawals. Don't panic. Whatever is going on, we already know what it is & how to live well w/ it. Your parents can be a problem, but as hard as that is, you can learn to live well in spite of their opposition. Try to keep your privacy, that's a solution.
Know that there is a solution. You've already started to find it. You are a very strong & self aware person, To have written on that topic, asking for help, shows that you have a very self-awareness. That's very positive!
Know that there is a solution. You've already started to find it. You are a very strong & self aware person, To have written on that topic, asking for help, shows that you have a very self-awareness. That's very positive!
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