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Hello everyone,

I would really appreciate your advice and suggestions.

I have been with my partner for more than 3 years, I love him, can see my future only with him and have no intention of leaving him. However, we have encountered a very serious intimacy problem.

For the entire time that we have been together, we seem to have only be focusing on what turns him on, what he needs for sexual arousal and pleasure and what I should be doing to provide it. Primarily he wants blow jobs and all details revolve around that. It has been a very long list of details (one that keeps "updating" to this day) and I have done everything on that list. I am by no means perfect and I also have a lot of other things to take care of (working, keeping the house, taking care of all the practical aspects of of daily lives, etc.), but I absolutely strive to do my best and make an effort to do it for him even when I don't really feel like it, because I remind myself that he really enjoys it, it makes him happy and I want him to be happy.

However, throughout this entire time, all of these efforts have been one-sided - mine. At first, I thought that I should be putting in more effort because clearly it was more important to him. If he wasn't satisfied sexually, he would get extremely agitated and annoyed, he would claim that our relationship is all negative, constantly unhappy, etc., etc. He would later backtrack and say that he didn't mean those things, especially so literally and extremely and would say them under the emotions, but hey, the words are out and they already hurt and poison my feelings and thoughts...

But as time went by I realized that no matter what I did, I never got any kind of sexual reciprocation. And I'm not saying that I need hours of foreplay or some kind of special romanticism. I just wanted to feel wanted so that I could be in the mood and we could enjoy each other together. And that's all I really need - a real deep kiss, a real soft hug, a real caressing cuddle - anything simple that just shows that your partner wants you and sees you as a sexual being. But I can't get that. At all.

We've argued about it, I've cried about it and we've talked calmly about it, so it's not like he doesn't know what I need. I explained to him how difficult a one-sided relationship is. He says that he needs his things a certain way, and I've responded that I'm always happy to do them but I also need a little stimulation/motivation, because it's a two-way interaction, isn't that just normal?..

So he knows and we've talked about it a lot. Last time was a couple of months ago. And during that talk he said he will try to be more forthcoming with his affections...he hasn't. Not at all. It's still all about the blowjob. Because it's quick and easy and he wants it when he wants it and it makes him happy. If he doesn't get it for any reason, I'm a bad wife and our marriage is horrible. If he gets it, I'm the hottest woman alive, best wife and yet still get absolutely no real reciprocation.

We have sex, but most of the time it seems to come as a "duty" from him. So basically he's in the mood, but for some reason he might think that I would prefer to have sex instead of going with the blowjob. So he proceeds straight to the sex, wants to get it done with without actually checking if I am in the right mood/aroused.

He is only interested and happy with our sexual interactions when all the initiative comes from me. He wants me to dress up in lingerie because it turns him on. Sure, no problem there. But then I say that I would like us to do it in a certain way, like really spend some romantic time and be sexy with each other before any kind of sex. And whilst he seems to agree to that initially, when we actually do it, all of it succumbs within a few minutes back to the usual oral sex and it's like romantic time never happened...

When I asked him again, why doesn't he do any of the things that I like, why doesn't he put any effort into putting me in the mood, why does he not show his affections ... he just says that he doesn't feel like it. Like it's too much work and he would then just rather jerk off.

It hurts my feelings incredibly, and he knows. Yet this knowledge is still not enough reason for him to try and make an effort. To try and do things that make both of us happy and not just him. And at this point I don't know what to do. I've suggested counselling, alone or together, but he doesn't want to put time into that either.

All our conversations about this come back full circle. Because we can talk and talk and talk, but a long as he doesn't actually take any action, nothing changes and there's just no progress and point in talking anymore.

I am sorry for the long post, but I can feel myself shrinking inside everyday a little bit more. It is extremely daunting to think that the only way forward is to accept this intimacy one-sidedness and I have been trying to for the past 3 years. But I am human, and I am soft, and cuddly, and emotional... and more than anything I want to feel that from my partner. That he cares. That we are together in everything.

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This guy you're with us very selfish and self centered. It's clearly all about him. Three years, I'm assuming you're young, but I hope you realize that what you want matters and that you DO NOT have to settle, no matter what age you are. I wish you well.
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Mine is the same way. I bet he only wants to do anything when it's his idea too. If you bring it up, he's not in the mood. I was told that if I wasnt satisfied with giving him a blow job that I could take care of myself after he fell asleep.
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This is totally not on. Your needs are as important as his. Is he like this with the rest of your relationship I.e. His way or the highway? I would not be satisfying him in any way until he starts making more effort! If things don't change fast - run for the hills!!
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