Depressed boyfriend, Getting frustrated with trying to help.

Sounds like he may be bi-polar, but all you can really do is be there for him and relax. Good luck! I hope things will turn up for you. He can also be referred to a doctor or there is several sites you can look up bi polar to see what to do.

My friend used to suffer from depression and she told me that whenever she felt down, it often helped when her parents and her brother sat beside her and started talking about some happy events in the past and saying how everything would be ok.

She was in this phase for a few months, she as taking the drugs as well, as was like an addict-she just had to take her drugs not to feel moody again. These feelings are really hard, you can’t control them, as if they are stronger than you, they take you and you can’t resist.

However, my friend just tossed the drugs one day and decide she doesn’t want to feel like that every day, that she doesn’t want to depend on the drugs, that she doesn’t want to feel down all the time and just got over it. However, not all people can do that. For some people, drugs even don’t help.

She never got angry, she just went down in the dumps.

Maybe you should take the approach my friend though about….talk to him if he wanted to feel like this his whole life, that he himself should put some effort into making things betters by thinking about them and realizing they are irrational. This helps me for example when I am down although I don’t suffer from depression.

You should tell him or maybe even work with him to think about what made him so angry, why he acted angry…angry people are usually those who are not satisfied with something. Ask him what bother him but avoid talking about good past times that didn’t involve him-I am not sure that would be helpful.

Anyway, don’t avoid the subject of his depression and patronize him. Talk to him openly, if he is not interested, then ask him if he wanted you went home that day and stuff like that. Try to communicate, if he doesn’t want to….I don’t know…it is depression. It is hard….you have to make up your mind if it’s worth it or not.

That is just my opinion, I may be wrong but you may as well do some more reading about the right approach.

P.S. I also agree that he may be bi-polar.

This sounds alot like my boyfriend. I wish I had some amazing advice, but I feel like I don't yet, I'm just trying to figure this out like you are. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year (and while I say together I should also say on and off because when he goes into a mood swing we usually fight and break up - very hard for me).

I notice a pattern with him now, which is that we are both students (and go to college together), and when the semester wraps up he gets "down". For him this consists of withdrawing (mostly at this house sleeping or playing computer games I guess), and picking fights with me (every little thing seems to become an issue). I can relate to what you said about the honeymoon stage, because our last break up was for a longer period of time, most of the summer - of course because college was out ... (though we still saw each other we weren't technically "dating" he couldn't handle the label then). Now, we got back together (when school started) and I've been very hestitant about it this time because alot of what he has said and done when he's in a "mood" has hurt me tremendously. However up until this week (when the semester just ended) everything has been GREAT. No relationship is perfect, but I remembered why I love him so much, and have had the best time with him over the last few months - he was so affectionate, caring, loving... and then literally this week - after finals ended, I feel like a switch flipped again (which is what I've been fearing of course). Obviously something about the change in his schedule, lack of something motivating to do, and I believe the atmosphere in his house are causing him to enter into a bad mood.

I believe he is depressed or bipolar. He's told me that all of his immediately family members suffer from depression, and it's obvious from what I've seen of his family. His sister tried to commit suicide, so sad. Because of what his family has been through, he won't even consider going on medication (says he's seen the negative effects on his sister). Sometimes he breaks down and says he's depressed, hates his life, and then if I'm gentle he will admit that maybe talking to someone would help. Othertimes he say's "I'm fine", and tries to blame any problems we are having on me. I'm not perfect, but for the most part I'm stable and I know that most of our issues are caused by these "moods".

I'm at a loss. He *almost* broke up with me today again, sigh.

It's hard for me to follow my own advice sometimes in the heat of an argument, but I know what usually helps is for me to remain calm (arguing back always makes things escalate to the point where he just wants to get the hell away from me, and we have no chance to talk it out). Also for me to try to step away and out of the situation and realize I didn't cause this (he has a tendency to blame everyone but himself for problems, and that eats at me after a while). And I guess try to be supportive, tell him I love him, and that everything will be okay. What's most frustrating is that I feel he is sabotaging himself by refusing to address problems in his life (grades, money ect.). He just gets into a state of feeling overwhelmed and then shuts off to the topic. It's hard for me to watch because he is really smart and talented and it seems that depression is beginning to have a very serious affect on his chance at a career and successful future. We had healthy competition with each other at school before, and now he doesn't want to discuss school much with me because my success there is making him feel worse in comparison.

I love him, but I admit at this point I'm questioning if this is worth it. When he's up, he's amazing, but when he's down I wonder what the hell I'm doing with him. I truly do love him, but I really hate how he is when he's depressed.

Any advice/support means alot!

I went through the same thing except my boyfriend eventually tried to kill himself. In the end we ended it because he felt so numb he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore. The problem is that you run the risk of being sucked in and becoming depressed yourself. I am getting treatment now because I became depressed. The question is....is it worth it? Is it healthy for you? Or are you so wrapped up in trying to "save" him that you have sacrificed yourself? My advice? Get out the relationship and get out now! He has to work on himself without your help. You can't afford to put yourself through that hell, you are better than that! Good luck:)

my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost two years in january. he is great and i love him very much. but i honestly dont know what to tell you im just on here to let you know that your not the only trying to help with this problem. my baby is depressed because his grandma died last year of 08 and he was really close to her i never got to meet her but the way he talks about her she sounded really sweet. it really completly tore him apart and his family too. but i think that he is worse. he is on medication for depression and he now has insamia and he takes medicince for that also but he has had insomia ever since his grandma died. so his on medication for insamia and depression and incase if u didnt know insamia is where you cant sleep. but anways i know he does love me but he has them days were he wants his life to end and sometimes he treats me like c**p literaly. for the past 10 months its been rough for us. hes a wonderful boyfriend and i dont wanna leave him bc i love him very much. but i also cant take this depression stuff i dont really know how to deal with it bc i have never been in this kind of relationship before. but besides the depression part its been the best relationship ive ever had. we have our good days and we have our bad days. like the other day he was listening to a song and acting all sad and i said whats wrong and he said honestly it makes me think about my ex girlfriend. so of coarse i got mad and started yelling and saying i dont care about her and all that and he told me he doesnt love or miss her he said the song just made him think about her. well then he was like she has never done anything to me like being jealous or anything like that. well i have been jealous alot idk why. i have no reason to be but anways it really made me mad and i yelled at him and said dont be talking about her and he didnt say anything he just looked sad. well i apologized for yelling at him but i told him that wasnt right. but he didnt say anything like sorry or anything and he just changed the subject well it makes me upset that he does things like that that he knows that hurts me and hardly ever says hes sorry but i mean i forgive him anyways but it justs sucks sometimes. its really tough dealing with this and i love him with all my heart i would give up anything for him to make him happy. he talks about dying alot and it scares me bc he put a gun to his head once and it scared me so bad and he has a therapist also which sort of helps him. and one time well now he is a senior and he is homeschooled but last year when he went to regular school he wrote a suicide note the teacher seen it he got suspended his parents sent him to a mental hospital for like 6 days. which i hated bc we couldnt talk on the phone or see each other but he wrote me letters and his dad dropped them by my house. and he told me that was one of the most worse experiences of his life. but anyays just be careful and dont be jealous and try to make him as happy as possible and when he is mean to you or moody or whatever just dont yell at him just deal with it if u wanna stay with him bc thats what i have to do idk if that helped but just saying.

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 5 months, and lately he's been acting really depressed. I know his family situation is not good, he lives with his aunt and sister, and according to him; his aunt treats him like c**p. he rarely hangs out with our friends anymore, saying that they are stupid and obnoixous; and that he hates them. I know he's behind in schoolwork, even though he's incredibly smart, he just refuses to do the work.
he's been talking a lot about how he hates his life and wants to die if it would all just go away.

It makes me really worried to hear him say things like this, because I have been depressed in the past and actually tried to kill myself twice. Depression runs in my family, and he knows this, but whenever I tell him he may have it he lashes out, saying that I'm the messed up one, not him. I love him a lot, I really do, but I'm simply at a loss. I don't know what I can do to make him feel better.
please help?

I had been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half. I knew from day one that he had depression with suicidal tendencies since before he had met me. He had scars from a year previously of trying to hurt himself. I was too in love with him to tell my parents about his condition (my father is a psychologist who has dealt with many people like my boyfriend), and I helped him hide it from a lot of his friends. However, I did make him go see a counselor at the college and encouraged him to start medication. While the medication helped with irritability, it did not eliminate the problem. Even the school counselor, whom he met with once a week, did not seem to change much of his condition. After we had been dating for a few months, he hurt himself again. I should have acted then and there. Instead I pressed him even more to seek help at the counseling center and made sure his roommates were well informed.

So after a year and a half of this relationship, I realized that I was feeling emotionally drained. Things I usually told him when he was "down" were not working anymore. Finally one night not too long ago I finally told my parents. I was sick of having arguments with my boyfriend that led him to hurting himself or closing himself off from everyone. I felt like I had been walking on eggshells. My dad had already suspected that my boyfriend was depressed and talked me through a lot of my own feelings. He reminded me that--and this is important-- ONLY HE CAN MAKE HIMSELF CHANGE.

Try as you might, you cannot force him to like himself and see himself as the great person he really is. And it isn't fair to let yourself be drained by someone else...no matter how much you love or care about him. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it was necessary.

I'm still trying to believe that it's not out of selfishness. I told my boyfriend that we were putting our relationship on hold for awhile. I'm not leaving him, dating anyone else, or moving on...but he needs to get help. His friends have jumped on board to make sure he is ok while we aren't together, but it is still hard for me. While I feel slightly comforted by the fact that other people have experienced and overcome this situation, my advice is that if you are starting a relationship or are currently in a relationship with someone with depression, encourage them to seek help, but get yourself out of that situation. If you are in a position similar to mine, I would hope you wouldn't sever all ties with your boyfriend and wish him the best. Make sure he does have the support and help to get him on his way. No one should just be abandoned completely with something like this. But you CANNOT help them. Only he can start the recovery process (with trained professionals), because he is the one that has to change. But do not let this become your responsibility like I did. It's harder once you do that. And I have had support from many people after this decision, so don't feel like everyone will hate you. If your boyfriend does, then he really didn't deserve you to begin with. One day he will be glad you pushed him to seek help.

This response is too late for AugustDNC, but for anyone else in this situation, I agree that you should get out.

It doesn't mean you need to abandon this person as your friend. But it's a bad situation for you, and there is really nothing you can do to fix his depression. I dated a guy for six years who suffered from depression and low self esteem. I tried to support him and encourage him, but he stayed stuck. He came to resent me for my happiness and any of the successes I experienced.

During this time, I saw our friends get married, have children and move on with their lives while we stayed in a stagnant cycle of his ups and downs. I finally had to walk away.

I later met and married someone else who is confident and happy and found the kind of support and love I could never have with my old boyfriend.

You can try to help him your boyfriend, but then make sure you help yourself. Don't sacrifice your own happiness.

If it helps to know I am one of those people. For granted I don’t get moody then happy like a person with bi-polar disorder, but I battle depression. I feel and say the same things to my girl friends as do your boy friend says to you. It helps greatly to talk to him when he feels these emotions, I know first head. For me, it makes me feel someone cares about me when it seems no one does at all, and I would hope your boy friend would feel the same way. Try not to get mad at him and scream at him if u can. It may seem like it would slap some sense into him, but in reality it will make him think the person who cares about him, seem like they don’t at all, which would be you. Just hang in there, don’t give up one him or break up with him over something he can’t really help. I’m thank full my girl friend hasn’t broken up with me because I say, and do the same things your boy friend does. I hope this helped, hang in there and tell your boy friend with a little work things will turn around and get better.

Joey

Hi everyone. You have no idea how happy I am that I found this message board because I felt like I was the only one dealing with a boyfriend like this. However, my history is much longer. To be honest...I don't know why I decide to stick around. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 4 years on and off. The off part was always me breaking up with him because I couldn't take the mood swings anymore. When we first started dating everything was wonderful and I loved him more than I could describe and than two years into it...everything fell apart. He was so angry and would pick fights with me at random(every little thing would instantly become an issue). It got so bad that I actually feared him. He never laid a hand on me though...thank god. I couldn't understand what was wrong with him. I had to walk on eggshells all the time with him, especially when it came to things that had to do with my life. Just remembering screaming and yelling at each other and the awful things he said and did just make me wonder why the hell I even put up with it in the first place and why I keep going back. Than a few break-ups later he finally confessed that he was a drug addict and that he doesn't remember half of the stuff that happened between us because he was always wasted off of whatever he could get his hands on. The fact that he was able to hide that from me for 3 years straight is beyond me. He had a really hard life...and he barely had a childhood. He makes awful desicions with his money and his life and than gets depressed because of his situation(which he got himself into).  He went through rehab and got clean all without my help because I had to leave in order to keep what was left of my sanity and self-esteem. We have been back together for the past 6 months and he is clean...at least as far as I know. He recently got diagnosed with manic depression and paranoia which actually is a part of bipolar disorder. He is still paranoid and thinks that no one is on his side and he is depressed all the time and still picks fights with me over the dumbest stuff but it is no where near as bad as it was. I've had anxiety issues and self-esteem issues ever since I was a little girl so for me to be with him really isn't good for my health but for some reason I can't leave. All of his family and friends don't understand everything he put me through and they blame me for leaving him when I simply could not take the abuse anymore. I don't go anywhere and I barely talk to my friends because he doesn't like any of them. I don't know why I stay if I'm miserable. I feel myself slowly starting to become depressed myself. He makes awful desicions with his money and his life and than gets depressed because of his situation(which he got himself into). I try to be supportive and I try to give him advice but he never listens. He would rather ignore what I say and than fall again. I feel like I'm his mother. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 8 months, I kno it's not much. My boyfriend has depression problems, like literally, he'll be all great and silly one minute then the next minute he'll just sink into depression without a warning. At first, when that would happen, I noticed that he was quiet and looked all mad, of course I would ask what's wrong, is he okay but he would just say I'm fine, without even looking at me and he would sometimes just distance himself. Me, not knowing whats going on, made me frustrated and I would get mad at him, cause I thought he would get mad at me for no reason..that's the first couple of times, then I notice that he was depressed..he even told me that there really isn't much I can do to help him..but ever since that I've always tried to help him, or just be there for him. Then one day, we were on a date and half of the date he was perfectly fine, he was being all lovely and silly but then outta nowhere he just stopped and stayed quiet, I talked to him for a bit, try to make him feel better but nothing..it's just that this time he didn't distant himself, I hugged him a couple of times trying to make him feel better but nothing. Then I had to go so I went home, texting him, telling him how much I love him and I'll always be there for him and then out of nowhere he just stopped replying all together, I thought maybe he went to sleep, but so later that night we were supposed to go out somewhere with my brother to a meeting, I texted him to get ready and stuff but nothing, I called him like 5 times and nothing, I even had my brother call him. He just disappeared on me for the night. I was worried sick, I couldn't concentrate on anything at the meeting, there were times where I would feel like crying because I didn't kno what to do, I seriously thought the worse, I really didnt think he was ignoring me, I thought something bad happened then out of nowhere he texted me he was fine, that's when I realized he was ignoring my texts and calls, I was so relieved he was fine, but boy was I mad at him, I was furious because of what he put me through. I texted him saying if anything I'm here, and that was it for that night the next morning he texted and called me but I didn't answer cos I was still furious. But then I answered him and I told him how I felt and not to ever do that again, I cud tell he was very sorry, i know it's a long story but the point is that after that night, I realized how much I love and care for him, and how I want to help him through his depression. He promised he wouldn't do that again and make me worry because he saw how hurt I was, he just hugged me and apologized and I knew he meant it. If you really love your bf then stick with him, try to help him or try to tell him to get help, I kno it's frustrating to deal with it, but dont think about the bad moments you have with him, think about all those happy wonderful moments, because it's gonna be worth it in the end.

Omg!! and I thought I was the only one going through this. Even though the situation is bad, I feel a bit glad to know Im not alone. My boyfriend of two years, has had a bad life too, barely had a childhood, and never been lucky in life. Because of that, he's tried to commit suicide various times and have also used drugs at one point. All of this, before we met. At first everything was nice and perfect, we seemed to be really different from other guys I've met before. But honestly, if I knew what I was getting myself into, I wouldn't even had bother to meet him. Since I know what hes gone through, Im always there for him to support him and listen to him, try to find solutions or help him in any way that I can. But that's impossible!!! Hes always in a bad mood, even because of the little things. Like for example, he said "babe?" while we talked on the phone, I said "yeah?" and because i took like 3 seconds to answer and he even said it was like 3 seconds, he got mad at me and hung up. So he makes a big deal out of small things, always in a bad mood, angry at everything and everyone. He thinks everyone, and I mean EVERYONE in this world is stupid for things that to me are really nothing. He sees them as the end of the world. Hes always frustrated and saying hes got no good luck and that everyone is his enemy. You are either on his side or his enemy. He gets so angry over things and says horrible things which he will regret once he cools down. He tends to binge when he is like this, trying to find comfort and satisfaction in food, but then he gets more angry when he realizes that by doing that hes not doing any good to himself. He has really low self esteem. Ive never known anyone like him. Even with the classes ive taken of psychology, I cant find a way to help him. Nothing works. I try to give him advice, ask whats wrong with him but he doesnt say, i ask and hes like "i dont know" or "i wont say", or most of the time he fights because he says im not asking the right questions as if I was in his head to know whats going on there. I have to ask and ask over and over the same thing, until he gives me a bit of info. But until that happens, i have to endure the harsh comments he makes towards me. I really want to help him because I love him, but honestly Im tired, Im exhausted. Im sacrificing myself too much in order to help him and continue with this relationship. Hes a good person but hes experiences in life have led him into becoming this person he is today who shows his good side very little and who is angry all the time. Ive stopped talking to my friends, socializing, even being with my family, going out with them, Ive stopped enjoying simple things like going to a movie because he cant, or to the beach because he has body issues and if i go then he gets mad at me, all this in order for us to be ok and for him to trust me even if its just a little bit. I have to give him a total background of everyone that gets near me, and a report of every little thing i do. We have trust issues and hes so paranoid. hes always looking out for whats going on in my life. I need my life back but I want to help him. I dont know what to do.

 I'm also very thankful to have found this message board. It's nice to know that some people can possibly understand. My story is similiar to most of your's but with a different kind of twist. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years this June 14th. He'll be 24 this year and I just recently turned 21. The first year and a half were absolute bliss. I had the most insane crush on him since I was 14 so when he actually started to notice me I couldn't believe it. We've had so many happy memories and tons of fun. We've also experienced deep lows together when family members and friends have passed away. And eventually the bad has to come into these stories so here it is: after that wonderful 1 1/2 yrs I found out my boyfriend is a conspiracy theorist. Yes, you read correctly. Apparently it's more common than I had thought but I had previously never given much thought to these types of things, especially because my father is a Federal Agent for the US Government. We've gotten into many a fights because our views on politics are so conflicting. He believes the government is out to destroy everything while I'm just a girl trying to work her way through college. He despises money and has never had a full time job. While this doesn't bother me because I'm an independent person and have a hard time even accepting Christmas gifts, he seems much happier when he does do work for his father's construction company. He claims the source of his sadness is because of "the world" and how terrible it is and how bad things will probably get in the future. But you must understand, he is sweet, gentle and truly enjoys being around me and always makes an effort to make me smile. And it breaks my heart knowing he can't make himself happy. Recently he has been talking about suicide and it's hitting every nerve in my body.

 I suffered from depression most of my life and finally sought help but he doesn't believe he has depression and like I said, blames everything around him. I try and tell him that the future is beautiful and we'll have each other but he still cries sometimes when he thinks I'm asleep. It's the most terrible sort of sadness being in love with someone who has to fight to want to wake up each morning. I'm in the oddest situation I've ever been in in my entire life. Dating a severely depressed man with suicidal thoughts. I'm as lost as everyone on this message board and somehow, it makes me feel a little bit better that I'm not the only one. Thanks for sharing your stories, guys.

I've been with my boyfriend for 4years and his depression has caused emotional and physical abuse and all he tells me no one cares and that I don't care and that I don't do enough for him that I'm the reason for his anger and I need to learn how to handle it . He still hasn't got help and there's always a reason why and I just don't no what to do anymore I'm so stressed and hurt and I feel like my life is falling apart. He puts all the blame on me and I'm the reason he talked down to me and gets physical then he blams the depression and says I make things worse and I don't help him I just don't know what to do anymore I just hurt and he says I'm week for that