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Hello, I'm 18 and am trying to reach out to anyone who will listen. I've had no luck with anyone I know in my personal life and am turning to the internet.

Basically, I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. My mother has told me that she has remembered me being this way even as a child. I find very little importance to life and often try my best to look for good things about life and focus on them. The more I look, the more I feel as if anything that appears to be good always has an ugly truth behind it. It's as if anyone I see who calls themselves happy is fooling themselves or plain ignorant and lacking common sense.

I'm currently living in my own apartment and have been for a week. The Psychiatrist I saw (have only seen him once so far) told me that he thought many of my problems were the result of stress from living with my mother. So here I am and it's only gotten worse. I am extremely paranoid and don't want to leave the apartment for fear of someone coming in. While staying here I know this is my apartment, I pay to live here and I should be able to make noise, as long as it's not too loud. Yet I still rather my presence be totally unknown. If I hear someone walk down the stairs into the basement beside my apartment, I'll turn the music or television down quickly and listen to make sure they are gone before I raise the volume again. I do not trust anyone and this is the result of losing all faith and trust in my parents at a very young age I believe.

I started going to this place where you talk to a social worker (I think that's what she does), she basically listens to what I have to say and asks me questions and writes down what I say, except she isn't qualified to be a Psychiatrist. She decides whether or not I am... Sick enough, I guess?... To see the actual Psychiatrist who comes in once a month from Ottawa. To make an appointment the waiting list is usually 3-4 months. I've seen her probably 8 times this year and saw him once and his advice after everything was for me to move out as I mentioned above. I found this very off because I basically told them I've lived in a room for the last 4 years of my life in a bed. I would leave the house once every two weeks on average, only to go for a ride or visit my father. I continued to mention that I have many symptoms of Dysthymia and depersonalization.

I do have to say that since I have huge trust issues, I even have trouble speaking with them and have an even harder time explaining what I think is wrong with me.

I just recently told my mother how depressed I really am. The best way I could describe it to her. Only to have her not say a word.

I realize I have barely touched on my anxiety issues, but this has gone on for longer than I intended.

So I don't know what I'm asking for here... Just to... Vent or share I guess.

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Depression can be incredibly hard to cope with and overcome, but I want to assure you right now that it is something you can overcome. The only way this is going to work is that you are going to have to want to get better. And it sounds to me that if you are posting this, you do. Talk to your social worker on a regular basis, but also consider meditating. Let me explain why.

Meditation helps clear the mind. It sounds like it's useless, but believe me, it is not. I suffer from depression and severe anxiety as well, and meditation has helped me reign it in.

Look into CBT as well. It is something you can do at home between therapy sessions. Keep us posted on your condition, okay?
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