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Hello. I've been a long time follower of this forum though recently decided to register after a long time condition of mine has been causing me trouble. Basically, when under conditions that cause even the slightest amount of anxiety/nervousness, my limbs begin to shake uncontrollably, I cannot concentrate on the task at hand, and afterwards I develop a severe headache, sometimes intensifying into a migraine. Now, normally I wouldn't care, but I work with my father day to day, and this proves to be a problem with him. He tends to rush me and put me under a lot of pressure, and I keep up as well as I possibly can (I'm a 19 year old city-boy, how good can I be at construction with no prior experience?) but sometimes it just builds to the point where I become extremely nervous, fumble about and make mistakes, and he just begins to scream his lungs out at me about failing at everything and constantly brings up that shaking disorder I have, which in turn only makes everything worse, and I end up even more nervous over absolutely anything the next time. He's been both physically and mentally abusive to me as a child, so I don't know if that may play a part in it.

I've tried talking to him, explaining what his pressuring me does and why I get so anxious, but he only turns it against me in a way that makes me feel incompetent and pathetic. If I could help it I would, I'm not some drama queen that's quick to overreact to an intense situation. Mentally I'm thinking "Stop it. Quit shaking, there's no reason to be anxious. Why the hell are you shaking so much?!" or try to think of things to make my body calm down, but physically, I just can't control it at all, and eventually it starts to take over both my mind and body and I start completely panicking. And it's just built up to the point where I start shaking this violently in situations not involving my father (with women on say my first kiss with her, in social confrontations, fights, etc...) At this point I don't know if I can resolve it without aid, so I was wondering, before visiting a doctor/psychiatrist, would there be some sort of medicine they could prescribe that would keep excessive reactions like these under check? Normally I would rather go about mental problems without the use of meds (I've never approved of meds, I have a history of depression but never took medication) but unlike depression, I can't hide this shaking from others...Thank you in advance.

tl;dr: I shake violently despite acknowledging that there is no need to be nervous, what do I do? 


Hi Honey! OK 1st thing I am sending you a HUGE LONG HUG! No child should be this anxious and it is down to your upbringing!

I too was a victim of child abuse - from my mother - and EVERY time I started talking to her - even on the phone - I would start stuttering REALLY badly or doing the constant nervous laugh! Which aggravated her to no end! I would chew my fingernails down to the moon and would feel my heart racing! So what you are experiencing is ALL from your upbringing! And it is ALL your dads fault - it is NOT yours, in the slightest!

You have to think of all of it like this! Your brains main job is to keep everything running at optimum speed and health! So growing up, with the sound of your fathers voice, footsteps, car etc. you would start thinking of what could possibly be coming - in the form of emotional or physical or both abuse! So - just like if a rabid animal or say a bear was ready to attack you - your brain would say "get out of here!" but you can't fly, so your brain brings on adrenaline for you to start fighting! I am sure you have heard of "Flight or Fight"? Well this is what it is about! Either way your brain opens the flood gates on your adrenaline (for you to flee or stay and fight). Just like a cornered dog your brain is scrambling with what to do.

So because of YEARS of doing this, your brain sends out the negative hormones, ANYTIME you are stressed or nervous (1st kiss, tests,talking etc) and this is the first step of you healing yourself. Is to understand WHY you get like this!? And it is because your mind and body don't know how to deal with it! You can't punch your father (fight) and you feel like you have no where to go (flight) so you are stuck with ALL of this adrenaline and hormones!

Even though I understand you don't want to be on drugs for this - and in your case I agree - I would like you to try herbal/mineral things first! Go to a healthfood store and look for a supplement that says "Relief for nervousness and acute stress" - also ask the person working there for a herbal supplement for stress and anxiety! Most have a mixture of the B Vitamins - which help with your nervous system!

I also DO want you to see a psycotherapist, or a counsellor etc. to help you deal with ALL of what your father loads up on you! I want you to feel strong enough to finally confront your father! NOT physically but verbally! And feel strong enough to get another job away from him!

And abuser prays on children/women etc. that he/she feel TOTALLY in control! And the first time you allow any abuse to happen they jump on it and loose ALL respect for you - and transfer that and their own lack of worth - on to the victim! I have a feeling that he is also shouting at your mom, OR your mom is the same way - acting like his equal even in hurting her child!

My father was physically, emotionally, mentally abusive to my mother, which sometimes passed onto my sister! He went to hit me once and I was about 16 and stood up and said "Make sure I don't get back up or I WILL hurt you!" And he didn't touch me - because I found some strenght (god knows where) and stood up to him! My mother passed away coming up 11 years ago now, and I have been basically taking care of my dad since then! anyway he is a VERY rude, angry man, and I kept taking it thinking "well hes sick and he needs me etc." and he would remind me of it ALL the time - like emotional blackmail! So he was calling me ALL these names and saying things to people - after ALL I did for him! so one argument later EVERYThING snapped with me! and we did not talk from the beginning of September to the beginning f January! And When I finally phoned him back, he sounded like a little child! I said to him "you owe me a heart felt apology, and IF I don't get it I will NEVER talk to you again!" So low and behold he apologized! And he walks on egg shells right now - thinking IF he says something I will be gone1

And I wish - with all my heart that I had doen this YEARS earlier! I wish I had said to my mother "Man you are just SO great being a mother! Just wondering if you had to pass a course for this, as it seems you are having a hard time doing a good job of it!" And I wish that I had stood up to her more - or grabbed the weapons from her hands! Etc. but like you and MANY others you are told to honor your parents not disobey them! BUT whey should you honor them if they are horrible and evil towards you? So I want you to get to that point of saying "You know what dad, I have always wondered if this is what you imagined, when you became a father?" I would love for you to turn to him and say "I DON'T deserve how you talk to me and I AM leaving this job, NOT because I can't do it, but because I CAN'T STAND working with you!" And to just walk away!

As a mother of 2 boys (almost 19 and 16) I an't imagine letting my husband treat my boys like that! I would have been arrested a LONG time ago! So can you explain your mother dynamic and why she isn't having a right go at your dad? Also I suspect he is ALL around a great guy infront of his friends! As most abusers are well like by others - so the abusee looks like they are lying about the abuse1 "Oh no way did Dave do that to Dave Jr. He's a GREAT guy etc." So along with your mother I also want to tknow if there is anyone else in your family or your friends that know what's going on, and can let you have a reprieve at their house!?


Thank you so much for the reply. Although I don't like hearing accounts of other people going through such trauma, it is comforting to know that others have gone through the same; sort of relieves some weight from that belief that you alone are the one doing everything wrong, you know? I know it's not my fault, but just like having those nervous breakdowns, a lot of negative thoughts towards myself are reinforced from the trauma. 

I'm going to look into the supplement idea from a local healthfood store, I've been meaning to pay them a visit anyway, ha. I've also been trying to meditate and exercise daily in an an attempt to better understand and relax both my mental and physical being, but that hasn't been helping all too much, besides slowly reducing recovery times of anxiety attacks I suppose. 

I've gotten into physical confrontations with my father before, most of which have not ended too well on my part, though the majority were fueled by his alcohol abuse. He'd apologize the next morning for assaulting me, but, an apology stands for little when I can expect him to do the same thing again. As for my mother, she is also an alcoholic, most likely due to the long period of abuse she endured from him during their marriage (much of which I witnessed as a child which just adds to the list of traumas). They've both attempted rehabilitation to no avail, and just ended up relapsing multiple times. 

Yes, he does pretend to be the "Father of the Year", so to speak. I've heard him on several occasions on the phone with relatives, or even in front of my face, pitying me and making a fool out of me, claiming that he is teaching me how to live life because I am completely ignorant and worthless and is doing me a favor. He says this to my aunts and uncles, to my grandparents, and they eat it all up. They agree with him, because he's the father and I'm the son (and I'm originally from a very old fashioned Eastern European country, so that says it all). Maybe I should've sent them all a card in the mail with a picture of my bruised face and then they'd get the picture, no pun intended. They know who he is, they know he is abusive, and they take my side when I am with them, and take his side when he is with them. It's as if everyone fears him. Given his history of violence and aggression, I don't blame them...  

Domestic problems aside, I do plan on leaving for College soon, finding another job for myself and moving in with my bestfriend, so working with him and dealing with his constant pressure isn't going to be as much of an issue anymore. The main reason I wanted to share this was to find a starting point for my new life, and attempt to cure myself of these traumas and these "disorders" that came with them. With him out of the picture, I need a way to heal, or at least start patching up, the damage done, and I figured posting here could give me an idea of where to start. 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I would've thought most people would be too reluctant to share such personal stories with some one on the internet, but I greatly appreciate it :) 


You are welcome honey! I'm a talker - I bet you can't tell LOL - so my personal answer to how to start is your body and mind WILL lead the way! When I finally moved out - I was having a hard time early on sleeping etc. - BUT the silence of living on my own or answering the phone with people REALLY wanting to talk to me on the other end, is a HUGE ego boost! They - your father and by lack of action your mom - have depleted your energy, and you start self loathing and thinking "It HAS to be me etc. etc. etc." So being with a friend, being on your own and making your own way, with the added ability of hanging up on the people that talk negatively to you etc. is SO thrilling, you start living YOUR life - not through someone elses! When I first moved out, I probably didn't talk to my mother for about 4 months! I talked to my dad all the time - he owned restaurants and would bring me over all the leftovers (THANK GOD!!) LOL - and we NEVER talked about my mom! And my place was basically a mom free zone - which meant a negative violent free home! And I could finally EXHALE! I could listen to music, I could just sit there and read a book, go for a walk, talk to friends go out with friends and my brain started not reacting so negatively. And this WILL happen for you honey! Honest! You will be surrounding yourself with pure positive, and that will transfer into you breathing better, getting more rest, not such a negative reaction to new things! Your mind AND body will be quiet and at peace! And you can be in charge of where you take the relationship with your father! You can leave it and have him call you - as I did with my mother - or just leave it all together! And THAT is the beauty of it! You are FINALLY in charge! And I want you to think of this as a new start - a do over - and this will help you feel even a little less anxiety about waiting! Because it WILL happen! And you don't need to prove it to anyone as it will be you being happy!

Also regrding your fathers persona! IF your family are decent parents, and they seem TOTALLY different to your father! I will GUARANTEE you that they might be laughing with him when he says stuff about you, BUT behind closed doors - or after they hang up that they WILL be saying how upset they are about how he is talking about you! I know that you are a decent young man - and they will too! And NO MATER how good an actor your father is, they WILL have seen something from him before! Someone with horrible anger issues - like your dad - will NOT just be like that overnight! He has been a miserable angry man for a LONG time!

So just know that good things ARE coming and start focusing on making YOU happy and YOUR dream coming true! There is a saying "happiness is the best revenge" and this TOTALLY applies to you honey! And if you see a counsellor/psychotherapist etc. they too will tell you this!


Reason is ... somewhere in our mind we tell ourselves that situation is dangerous .now our system starts reacting by producing a fear harmone so that we become alert and run from their but when we dont run system notices it and starts producing more fear harmone to make us run but finally we are unable to avoid situation, our system produces so much fear harmone thinking that it will make us completely paralyzed and we will not go towards danger.this old programming in our system is reason for this. it had been make so sensitive to protect us in wild life . you need to learn how to differentiate between real danger and assumed danger. meditation can help but need atleast 2 hours breathing meditation for 40 days then you can start noticing benefit. talk to your mind and tell him situation is not dangerous and it will stop reacting. i know its too dificult but it is only solution . eat eggs and take inderal before such situations with some vitamin capsules like revital.