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Im a 24 yr old female who desperately needs some insight into getting over the past, for i believe its ruining my future. since i was 7yr old i have been sexually abused by my father, while my mother slept right next to us drunk to the core. It happened almost everynight for over 5 years. Then he just abused me while i slept, waking up with his hands in places they shouldnt be. I believe my mother knew which is why she drank all the time. before the age of 18 my mother will force him on me, cause she didnt want his attention and i always tend to grab his attention. So she will tell him to sleep in my bed. I lefted home straight after i turned 18, went far away from home like 17hrs away, slept on the streets for over a month got a job and was gonna have a fresh new start. from 18 til now, i have been nearly raped, sexually harrassed by three different men and forced to do sexual acts with a boss to keep a job(i didnt do it though)all these men were over 50yrs old. All their excuses was that i was nice to them and by being nice did i mean i wanted them? So I had enough, I have never hated so much in my life then what i do now, I hate men for what my father did to me, I hate myself for being a girl, I have no confidence, no esteem nothing, I am soulless and so depressed, I have thought about suicide almost everyday, but I cant do it cause i feel selfish for ending my own life, and i couldnt bear the thought of my family going through that. Though my father died 2 years ago, and she has remarried and doesnt drink anymore, i cant move on i cant let go. I dont have any friends at all, The only man that has ever fully touched me is my dad, I cant trust anyone and will never allow myself to get close to people. I feel cursed and being sexually abused is only a quarter of the problem, but is the biggest for me. This has made the biggest impact on my life and i want to let go, I need a life, I deserve one and i want one. but where do i start....ive been through councelling and went through a psychiatrist but it doesnt change anything i still feel worthless and i dont know if i can ever get out of it. How do i say goodby e to something that has made me who i am? I really need help

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I cannot relate to your story, but I would like to try to help you. First off, I'm very sorry that you have had such horrible experiences in your life.

Do you think that these things have made you who you are or something that you think you are, but are not? I know that's a little confusing, but you can't let this keep you from being you. I know it has shaped you and your feelings towards yourself and other people, but that's not you. You have got to find who you are.

How many counselors have you seen? I see a counselor every week. You might not have found the right one yet.

It sounds like you have a ton of emotions in you that really need to be let out. I would suggest looking up some theraputic techniques for dealing with certain emotions. For example, for your anger--it sounds stupid, but it works--set a photograph of your father in the chair in front of you. Tell that photo exactly how you felt and how you feel. You can scream at it, you can throw it across the room, or whatever. It will help you release some of those emotions.

You said that you have thought of suicide, but cannot go through with it. Good decision!! There are plenty more ways--positive ways--to deal with your problems.

I probably didn't help much, but I wanted to respond to you anyway. Your story has touched me and I desperately want to help you as much as possible!!

--LinZ
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Thank you for replying, Ive seen two councellors and one psychiatrist. The councellors were as helpful as can be, the thing was for me it was just words. They will tell me it wasnt my fault and not to blame myself for it, but thats an extremely hard thing to accept when you have already made yourself believe that it was. I saw the first one twice a week for 5 months then the second one was three times a week for 3 months. The psychiatrist i also saw had to put me on sleeping pills and anti depressants but that was because i couldnt sleep and was having reoccuring nightmares. The nightmares are not so reoccuring but they come back now and again.

As to who i am? Because of all the trauma that have occured in my life everything i do now is based on keeping myself safe. I will never allow myself to go outside cause im afraid of the people. I dont like being touched in anyway by anyone. I dislike human contact for im afraid they only want to hurt me. I dont smile anymore cause i dont want people to think by smiling means i want their attention, which i know is not the case for everyone, but thats how my body reacts now. It has its own functions that goes into full safemode whenever i feel unsafe, which is all the time.

I have been able to forgive my father for what he done but its hard to let go of the trauma it has caused me. I will never be able to forgive myself for letting it happen. I guess thats what the councellors cant do for me is make me forgive myself.
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You do not need to forgive yourself for anything, because you didn't do any thing wrong. When i was a little girl, as young as 2, my great grandfather would molest me while my mother was out running the streets and my grandparents were out tying one on. My GGF was my permanent babysitter and all the payment he wanted was a quart of Genny Creme Ale. My mother was a tramp and she had me when she was just 16 yrs. old. I was the product of a one nighter in the backseat of a 55 chevy, my bio dad was 7 years older than her. I was going to be adopted out but my great grand mother saw to it that it didn't happen. My mother did not want me, at all. My GGM pretty much paid for me thru most of my early childhood until she passed when i was 9 yrs. old. She had set up a trust fund for me which i never saw, but i do remember my grandmother and mother tearing her house apart trying to find a bank book, which they found and used the money for themselves.
I was raised by drunks. I lived with my part time mother, my grandmother and grandfather, who were intoxicated from morning till night. I remember laying in bed and listening to my mom and one of the many men on the couch having sex. I was not even 10 feet away.
My mom had several boyfriends, all who liked me a little to much. One night my mom and the rest of them went out leaving me with, i will call him "A". He sat me on his lap and pushed his hips against my rear, i had no clue what he was doing. He layed me on the floor and pretended to play fight, pushing himself against me as i laughed and tried to wriggle away. This happened a lot. Then, man "B" was another instance. He was stationed in Watertown at Fort Drum army base, where my mother had moved for a while. She was a waitress at an all night truck stop, he would babysit me while she worked. I would sleep in their bed and he would crawl in with me and rub his naked penis up and down my back side. He asked me to kiss it, i did. They got married in Rochester and soon divorced. I never said anything about that. My mother met and married her "now" husband. He would come into my room while my mom was at bingo and feel my breasts, i pretended i was sleeping.
I was raped when i was 15, got pregnant and lost it due to my grandmother "accidently" pushing me down a flight of stairs. I thought it was my fault all those years. As time went on, i flaunted myself, trying to get attention, which i got plenty of. I wanted to be needed by someone. At 16, i became interested in a man who was 51 years old. He would drive to my house and i would run out and get into his car, he was my grandmothers boss, funny, she wanted him too. She would be passed out drunk and i would be out with him. We would do things and he would tell me that i was a good girl. Somewhere in the back of my mind i thought this was normal. At this point in time, i was living with my GM, my mom was making a life with her now husband, i was in the way, so i lived with my GM. I would come home from school and find her in the bed with a man, having sex. I would turn the TV on as loud as i could and get on the phone with my friend. Our apartment was all of 600 sq. feet, so i heard everything. He would get up, pat me on the head and leave. My GM would stagger out of the bedroom like nothing happened.
My GM finally drank herself straight into a Nursing Home, forceing me to live with my mother, who i hate to this day. My mom used to beat the c**p out of me, so i ran away. She would find me and drag me back home, i would run again. Then i turned 18, the magic number. Thru all of this i managed to stay in a nice Catholic High School and graduated with honors. The day i graduated, my mom was so proud, ahh.. my baby graduated, isn't she wonderful, isn't she smart and wonderful? Fake, fake, fake, mom is a fake B***h. Now she was kissing my fanny because i was of age to tell her to go c**p in her hat, which i did.
Ya know, i could go on for days with this whole miserable story, but you have gotten my drift by now, i hope.
Three failed marraiges, a daughter who is a heroin addict, another daughter who is on marraige number 2 which looks grim. A son who is paranoid about everything, and he is a freakin Phycologist, surprise surprise. Another son who is a walking time bomb and my daughter who lives at home still who can not seem to do enough for me.
A husband who is a computer porn freak and is a narcissist, (did i spell that right?) My mother is on her third round of cancer, and i don't care, my step dad is fighting bone cancer and i don't care, then there is me. Hmmm...me. I thought about offing myself several times, for what? That would not accomplish a thing. I just wouldn't be here anymore, that's all. I forgot that idea a long time ago. So i just carry on, every day i do my best. If it's not good enough, tough s**t.
You are your own person and sometimes all the therapy in the world can not fix what is broken. I went to counseling many times, they dig to deep, and it hurts me, which i know they must do to help me come to terms with all my demons. Every closet door i open has a skelton hanging in it, every thought has some kind of emotion tied to it. Right now, i am on a mission to find my brother. His dad is afro american and he was given up straight after birth. Back in the day it was unheard of for a white women to be involved with a black man, and have a baby no less. I have searched, but to no avail. He is younger than me. I hope he has had a better life than his half sister. I also have 7 step brothers and sisters. My bio dad was a dog and would screw anything that wiggled her a** in front of him. 2 Years ago i found some of them, they want nothing to do with me, why, i don't really know. I was told my bio dad died way back in 83, come to find out, he passed in 95. I was trying to find him, but was told he was dead. Why, i don't know that either.

SO LISTEN ANONYMOUS 1984, you do have a life, you are alive and breathing. You have to slam the door on that part of your existance. I did, but it didn't lock. Every now and again the past floods my brain and makes me sad and helpless. I curse my family and those men who did bad things to me. I curse my mother for allowing me to stay with these men. But, i look at myself in the mirror every single day and i know that i mean something, i am important. I am careing and generous and supportive. I worry about my kids falling down like i did.
Today is my birthday, sometimes i wish i was never born, but i was and here i am, regardless of the circumstances surrounding my conception and my being, i am here. I was put here for a reason. I am a good person and so are you. We have just stumbled, but we haven't fallen.
I was told to stop licking my wounds. The person who told me that was me. Poor me, poor me all the time. Look at me and feel sorry for me please. No, no more. Do not pity me, do not feel sorry for me and my trials.
Every day you wake up and put your feet on the floor is the beginning of a brand new day. Make the best of it. You do have a life, now it's up to you to figure out what to do with it. The scars will always be there, the sad rememberances will always be there but you don't have to allow them to conrol your life. There is always someone out there who has it worse than you or I, remember that.
You are ONLY 24 years old. You have a whole life ahead of you, do something with it. Say good bye to the past once and for all. We are strong women, not sniveling whiney little girls. The bad parts can go away, make them go away. You can do this.
Listen, if you want to PM me, feel free, i can help, a little. But in the mean time, make this your Independance Day. Your past may have won the battle, but your future will win the war.
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You are not in the boat alone Anonymous1984, We have very similar upbringings, and all i can say is that though it has happened i know the feeling of complete anger and hatred towards people. Even though you feel no animosity towards the perpetrators, the pain they inflicted onto you will never fully go away, so you tend to lock yourself away from the world, and deprive yourself of everything that life may offer you. Its so amazing to me how you and i have the exact same emotions and feelings. I never wanted the attention and i never asked for it but it never stopped me from getting it, and by being nice to everyone just because it was part of who I was, men took it as a sign that you wanted them, so decided upon themselves to take action. Councelling doesnt help because they already tell you things you already know and though they are being helpful, it doesnt change anything because no one can change how you feel besides yourself. Words after all are words, and the only person that can fully help you recover is you. It took me awhile to figure that out.
Then for me to get back on track i looked back at what happened, and never fully understand how i got through it. So many people who go through rough experiences turn to Alcohol, Drug substances or even sex to fill in that spot that you desperately dont want to feel or want to feel. Because of the abuse, sexually, physically and emotionally, i made a choice to not become like my mother so i turned from everything she was. People will try and make you believe you will be became like them because its all in the family, but from a child i grew up really fast and took all my life lessons from my surroundings. Growing up I deprived myself from human contact, from drugs, alcohol, sex, anything and almost everything. By being so use in depriving myself from human contact i didnt have any friends growing up or any one i was able to talk to. The feeling you start getting use to is loneliness. Going through it at least i can say i went through it and i did it all on my own and not once was i tempted to break my morals and follow what everyone else was doing. I am proud of myself for it and people say im abnormal and weird because i dont do what people my own age do, like party, have sex, have a boyfriend, smoke, drink, do drugs or fall to the hand of peer pressure, i always have controlled everything around me that was within my power, since i could remember and by not following the crowd and caring about myself more than what others thought of me, made me appreciate who i am, i dont care how others see me, and if by being myself means im weird and abnormal then so what, at least i respect myself more enough to be who i am. I am me and like you our past and experiences has made us what we are, then in the end it comes down to choice. Its your choice to change it or accept it. You have character and it was built because of what happened. You may want to change it, but its a gift to have cause it makes you unique and different from everyone else. You can say you are strong because your here and you got through it and it takes strength to be able to forgive your father and all the others, it takes courage to stand even though your heart wants to fall. It takes will to face each day and live when you just want the ground to swallow you up. It takes respect for yourself to push throught it on your own without abusing your body along the way. Its up to you, this is your life and you have the power to make the change and the strength to do it. If you were able to make it through all the horrible things that happened to you, then you can do anything.
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Hi, this message is for the one who started it, I have not read the responses yet as I felt the desire to respond immediately. I would so much like to erradicate all your pain/memories/anger etc etc and guilt too even though we all know you are not one tiny bit guilty but this is about how you FEEL, and guilt is so common amongst victims of abuse. Unfortunately I cannot wave a magic wand from here and remove all these feelings. However, there are good therapists and there are well-meaning but ineffective/unhelpful therapists. I would say keep going until you find one who you FEEL (ie you KNOW) is good for you. It will help. If I may ask: what part of the world do you live in? If you live in the USA then I would strongly recommend  a certified Hellerwork practitioner. If you're in the UK then cranial sacral therapists can be very good. Take care, rooting for you.. x.
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