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For the past 18 years, I have been living outside of the US due to marriage in Europe. I have two kids, now teenagers and I am so scared of changing
their lives that I put up with my husband's emotional and physical abuse.  I am a home mom and I also work for my husband's firm at home.  I do typing, computer work and bookkeeping.  I do not have friends and I have to make sure dinner is made every night so that my husband does not get upset.  He tells me that he works 10x more than me.   I also do not have any access to any form of finances.  He gives me an allowance every week to cover up the food expenses and if I need something, I need to ask him.  His bank accounts are only under his name since he is the one that brings money home. 

Outside of the home, his friends and family think that he is the perfect husband and father since he works very hard to provide us with all of the basics.  Yet at home , when something does not go his way, I am the one to blame and if I confront him, he threatens to hit me if I do not go away or stay quiet.   When things do not go his way, he withdraws and tells me I am his biggest mistake.  Sometimes I think he feels trap with us and that is why he hates me.  He knows that if he leaves me and the kids, he will be judged by many but since I have stuck it out for so long, he hates me for not making him problems with the kids or taking them.  He plays the victim role and I am the bad one.  And I swear to God, all I do is keep the home and cook for him and the boys.  I rarely go out and if I do, it is usually with the kids.  And if we go out, it is usually as a family and those outings have become less and less. 

The problem is that he is much older than me.  He is currently 61 and I am 44.  Currently, the economy is very bad and his friends and family are putting pressure on me to find work out of the house now  but I look at myself in the mirror and know that no one is going to hire me.  I have a college degree but somehow I feel that the only job I qualify for is cleaning.  He is currently my only source of support and I am scared to break away since I have nowhere to go to and am scared that somehow I will disrupt my children's education.  They are doing really good in school and I do not want them to suffer. 

Yesterday my husband hit me just because the tv remote control was missing a battery.  He slammed it and I followed him to the room and I told him that there was no need to slam the remote control at the floor and start cursing.  He told me to get out of the room and I told him i was tired of his tantrums.  He then hit me in front of the kids and I hit him back and he hit me again.  When my son got involved, I then told me kid it was not right to conform his dad and we went to the living room.  My husband turned our bedroom into his own private office and I sleep in the kids room or in the living room.  Yet he demands sex from me since he is the breadwinner of the house.

I am very confused and I do not know what to do.  Is it my fault?  He always tells me he is better than me and that his intelligence is above average, not like mine.  He calls me stupid.

I do not know what to do...


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Health Ace
6884 posts

I think you should take the suggestions of his friends and family.

Get a job ---------- then leave him. You are being used and abused and your kids are learning how to do that by watching him.

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You sound like a strong woman . Do what you have to do live in a womans shelter untill you can save enough money to get on your own feet.iI would not stay there another minute.
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You need to ask yourself this "What is more frightening, me staying with this abusive man who does NOT love me or even treat me well, or getting the hell out of here" Hopefully your answer is staying with him is more frightening! He is a CLASSIC abuser! Keeping you away from everyone, showing people how GREAT he is, belittling you, keeping you away from money, threatening you, raping you - he IS raping you by the way, and now physically hitting you (Even though I would NOT follow my own words, and would have made sure he never got back up) BUT sometimes when you hit back, they USE this to have people against you! Of course changing the story as it goes along! Who wouldn't believe a "Great Guy" whose wife is "Menopausal" and hit him!!!!?  He is physically, mentally, emotionally, financially abusing you! And this will NOT get better with years! and ALL your boys are praying for is for you too leave him! They are doing well in school - against all odds because they have a crappy home life! And they WILL still do well - due to their inner strength! Classic abusers put their insecurities onto their victims - just like alcoholics etc. 

IF you don't leave him NOW this WILL escalate - as it already has - and you will look back in 5/10/15 years waiting for the end of the relationship or HIS life! You will wish for horrible things for him! And hate yourself for thinking that and the hate cycle will continue till the end - whatever that is!

You sit your boys down, and say "I CAN'T take this anymore, I AM leaving your father and I want you both too come with me - NEVER make them IF he is NOT hitting them, give them a choice! Let them decide IF and when they want too see him! This is 20% about them and 80% about you! This is about making YOU whole again! And then having your boys take notice and be happier knowing that their mother is no longer pummled and sad! NO child wants that! I bet you WILL be surprised what they have too say about it!

There is only 1 word for this - and unfortunately it is a negative word - you HAVE to be Selfish about this and look after yourself for the 1st time! And think 'What is best for ME!?" And the answer is NOT staying with him to be belittled and tortured! Have a escape plan, an escape bag (filled with clothes, toilettries, phone numbers, etc. and of course MONEY" He owes you money! IF you can steal it, steal it! And phone NOW to a womens shelter! Start talking too girlfriends - IF you have any (as most abusers don't like you having personal time) - and write down what he does!

This will NOT get better - I guarantee you that - you do NOT love him anymore (there is NOTHING in your statement that even states close too that) and he does NOT love you - with proof of how he treats you! IF he hits you again you phone the police and get the hell out! Even though IF my husband hit me I would make sure he never got back up, that is me! For someone in your position do NOT hit him back OK? Just LEAVE! Phone a womens shelter and find out what too do, and then talk too your kids! Also in most western countries, he does OWE you alimony! And I couldn't care less if he is left homeless! Even go to the bank and see if you can be put on a joint account! Some women have a shared account with a friend - with the friend being the main owner of the account - and they put ALL monies into that account and have a back up! So think of that too! IF you feel threatened, RUN!!! Let me know how you are making out! BIG HUG!

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You have a college degree, and you only think that your good enough for cleaning, well your  better then that and you need to tell yourself so, part of your problem is that you have let your husband degrade you for far to long and now you feel like your no good. You need to realise that you are better then him , find some work, no matter what type for now. Get enough to get you some money and move out and take the children. Ask for assistance from outsiders if need be .. but dont stay in this emotional and physical abusive relationship or it will not only damage your self esteem, or your body but your childrens emotional lives as well.  They are far better off not seeing this then seeing what is happening, you can be a surviver of this but first you must leave.
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your sons are hurt and scared too!im sure they have felt like he would kill you...AND THEY CRIED bc they want you to live and see your grandchildren. get you a job adn find you a small place for your children and you-if they want to go.if they decide to stay let them and focus on making you better. after a few weeks they will be ready to come with you bc he will start to lash at them.BY SAVING YOURSELF YOU ARE SAVING THEM BC HE IS SLOWLY KILLING THE LIFE and LOVE RIGHT OUT OF THEM WITH EVERY WORD HE SNARLS AT YOU.
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Hi, Please understand that you are not at fault, did nothing wrong, and are NOT trapped to stay with this monster. Unfortunately, women who are beaten and controlled by their men develop "Battered Women Syndrome". He has scared you to the point where you feel without him you would not survive. In reality, if you left him, he is the one who would have a hard time standing on his own two feet. Men who beat women do so because it makes him feel like a man, if confronted by anorther guy your husband would run like a little girl. Since you are outside the US, does this mean your children are not US citizens...are you? If I was in your situation, I would look to get back to America or come here for the first time. I know nothing of immigration laws, but you can find out everything on the internet or via telephone. You first step is to ensure safety for you and your children. Therefore, call your domestic hotline societies, talk to women who have been in your situation, and they can offer you great advice. Next, if you can get an "order of protection" get one fast. Go to the police, file a report telling everything he does to you and they can issue the Order for him to leave you alone. If he hits you again, he goes to jail. Please do not worry about what his family, workers, friends or neighbors might say...they are meaningless to you at this time, unless they will help you they will only be annoying. Start to armor yourself with resources. If he will not give you money willingly, then perhaps you can take some from him without him knowing? Very small amounts will add up very quickly. Also, apply for a major credit card in his name, but also asking that they give an additional card to his wife. When you get the card, hide yours, but have it on you at all times....and bury his card. To avoid him ever finding out about this you must make a charge, get the bill in the mail, then buy a money order to pay the bill and change the mailing address for them to use in the future. Since you have no one to trust, open a PO Box, it is very inexpensive, and send the mail there. Try to get help from any and every resource available. Call the red cross, the American Embassy, etc. Also, make sure to speak to a lawyer...find out exactly what your options are. Lastly, but very important, write a very detailed letter of every thing that has been done to you. The physical abuse, mental abuse, the isolation he forced on you, locking you out of the bedroom then beating you into sexual submission. Write it all, and address the letter to the Attorney General, so if anything happens to you the law will have a full account of your life with this creep. When men are our abusers, they will promise over and over that it will never happen again, but it does. Once they start, they never stop. I am praying that you find safety. Please be very careful in anything you do. You may want to consider going back to work. I know you feel ill equipped to do so, but thats the voice of your husband in your head. I promise you...you will get a great job in spite of him. Please get close to some other women, their strength, advice, and loyalty will be a blessing to you. I hope and pray all gets better for you. Love, Linda

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You need to leave this man huni your children are old enough to understand I am 21 and understood at 14 I also went through it please leave this controlling man he is not worth pain , I did a course called freedom project which helped so much .i can now spot a dominator (what they are called) a mile of please leave him 4 ur own and ur childrens benefits <3
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Hi, I think it is time you gather as much courage as you can and face him. He should be made to know that any reproach should be made in the bedroom not in the presence of the kids of the family you are bringing has a very dangerous future. I think he regrets being with you and the efforts you take in calming him down proof fruitless, then you better part ways and agree on contributing to raise the kids. There is nothing as painfull as leaving with someone who makes you bitter most of the time. Better to be alone and feel at ease. thanks.
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If he was younger, I'd say mid-life crisis.

Is he suffering from a tosterone drop? Is he getting enough sex (regular enough)?
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