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Since of late I find it almost impossible to control my emotions. For the slightest emotional disturbance/upset I get the feeling of that so called lump in the throat feeling making the voice impaired, unable to talk properly and at the worst I start crying. I do not have the will-power to control same.

Why is this? Is it a psychological or a physiological defect? It has become so acute I try to evade social events. Can I please have a solution for this status.


:'( I dont know what to do. i find I get really angry and frustrated- i used to be able to hold back. But now I dont have the energy to contorl my emotions. i come across as being unstable and imature. I cry for no reason, and face goes puffy /get annoyed at every one and have this voice in my head that says "eff off and leave me alone-what would you know" thing.

Started to drink like a fish. today got sent home from work for smelling like a I dont know what . I cried because I want to be normal. i dont want the term"alcoholic"added to my name. i cried cause i feel so alone. I cried because I have 2 lovely girls yet i dont want to be here. i cry because I want to not exist. I cry because that makes me angry and I want to enjoy this place - I cant. i dont know whats wrong with me. i dont want to go to bed. I dont want to take my chill pill. i want to not be here. i dont want to die-I just dont want to have ever been here( at all) why could you not all just leave me alone> I cant stop crying and I hate this

I am 32 years old. feel about I dont know what . i am sick of being told what to do-I am fed up being told that I cant do/when I just want to / I am fed up. I cant get this lump out my throat and i gag.

I asked my partner if he loved me last night. he said he did- but that he cant cope with my extremities.

I dont know what to do.

My mum is to much for me.
My sister ( not going there)
my dad-????

My children. and all i can think is that thats so selfish, that I shold appreciate them, though I just feel so angry!!!! Someone help-I dont know what to do!!!!


>:( Walked home- so painful, toe was sore and I was very cold. Waited on child and foot got sorere and sorer. I went to bed last night crying and have no real idea why. I mean youd think a certain thing that happend this weekend would cheer anyone up, but no no, not me. Anyway, went to bed early, thinking a good night sleep would fic me. Could I get to sleep....well eventually at 330 am ( or there abouts) Cried so much face so puffy. ( Woke 5 30 there abouts) Nodded back off to sleep at 730 and got up aat 746am.

EWent to work , cracked some weird jokes, but feel like they were just out of context, Felt insensitive out of control, There is just no one to turm to in this. No one.

All I want all I feel i nedd is one of those days curled up with my children and watch some comforting film. I need a rest. Or maybe thats the opposite, maybe its, I dont do enough. Maybe I am just lazy( I am a bit) but umph!!!

Then again, worried about some womans thing. Going to ring mum,. Had to go to loyu every hour and still leeking everywhere., ( god, I hope...oh nevermind!!!!!)

How come this has never got any better. Why amI still here? How come I can be okay and then not so okay?\

Does anyone else feel like me,Is it I am the only one who talks sorry, moans about it? What I cant do though is hold back. I could hardly walk home this afternoon. My 2 girld knew I was in pain and theyheld my hand really tightly. If they had not been there I know I would have been howling the town down. Ridiculous really.

At work I said something stupid. But I cant stand the feelings that someone is putting me down or laughing at me and thinking I am thick, Okay I laugh awith them at the time, I went bright red, and then blinked back the tears, Even 16 year old teends dont behave like this, Why am I so sensitive?


My Friend,

I am not sure where to begin.

It is 5:00a.m. where i live, and I really am not sure why I am still awake, as I have class to attend at 9:00.. Let me start with the acknowledgment that each of us has his/her own issues. Not all of us feel comfortable talking about them, especially if not many other raise thier voices.

This reply may be long, and I have no aim to bore you in anyway, but first off, do not give up on HOPE!!

You have been curageous in not only seeking help, after recognizing you have a problem, but you have opened up to the world which can be difficult indeed. I have been through my own trial and pitfalls. I believe that we all come to a point of ultimate low, and deppression. We search meaning in our life, we try to understand those around us, to be understood...

First, you must come to except yourself. Except yourself because you are one of the most beautiful creations that our God has created, a part of Man.

I too have suffered from fits of deppression that can last with an extreme low for hours, days, weeks, and in my case, even a couple years. I had many problems with "fitting in" and became reclusive at some points, and at others, I would akwardly try to push myself into the crowd, without success.

I first began to improve as I realized that we are all beautiful in our own way, we all possess amazing qualities that distinguish us from others, and we are INDIVIDUALS. We must except who we are, and be proud of ourselves. Be yourself, not what you think others want you to be!!
There is no need to conform to what we may perceive as "normal" and many times it isn't normal.

Also, the most important thing that I have found to get me through all of my problems, dealing with deppression, even thoughts of suicide because I was so sad all the time, and everywhere I turned, it seemed that no one accepted me, and everyone made fun of me without mercy or care... was to turn to GOD.

I do not know whether you are religous or not, and I would not try to force another into a religion, or believing as I do, but I tell you from the bottom of my heart, with only kindness in mind, and as someone who can relate to the awful and terrible pain of just getting out of bed in the morning...GOD is the answer, as he is the only way we can ever achieve true happiness, and greatly desires for us to be happy. GOD rejoices in our happiness, and mourns with our sorrow. He is the great comforter, provider, and Healer.

I will pray for you, my friend. I hope that everything works out for you. know that you are never alone (in mind or heart) for HE walks with you, and you have fellowship to turn to for support. Know that everything will all work out, as GOD makes preperations for our future.

I truly hopes this helps you, and anyone else, who looks without commenting, in any way. Keep me updated on how you are doing, and I will gladly respond if you have anything to say, or ask.

God Bless


Hi Jack, I am by no way , in any way religious.

I shall not rant on about why I feel this way- but I have strong reasons not to believe that there is someone up there watching us. I also do not believe in the theory that ( "We all get what we give out" or of the various statements. Sorry, I know I am rambling but that is how I feel.

If there was a god, why would my aunt be dead my 2 friends from school, my best friend from Uni. Why would life be so unfair?

Everyone in my flat has been ill this weekend. My eldest daughter has a temperature ( really high) so been cuddled up with her all weekend.

I know tomorrow Ill get the panic , the morbid thoughts , the butterflies in my stomach. Not be allowed a drink, as I have work- but just get by. Il gget there and wonder why everyone has mande friends and why I am not included, though I chat to them and pretend everything is okay( Far from it) To be honest , I do not know what is wrong with me. I dont really agree with the diagnosis ( if it ever was) that I have GAD, I just dont agree- theres something else going on - and I know it!!! I also have reall bad pain in foot now- what is that?

On the better side of things, my womans things have stopped and feel so much better though put on lots of beef. Honestly think youd get more meat of of me than a chicken roasyed ( large one).

Mhh- my partner doesnt seem to case. He confuses me totally. Totally confused by him. Hes not been well this week either. he shows no affection, no nothing. No i=understanding, but then at times hell surprise me. and try and cheer me up. ( I guess I am exhausting).

I remeber having had my first baby, and crying for days on end. he never held my hand or kissed me good bye or anything like it- it all made me worse. I resented him for holding my girl. When I expected her hed turn up drunk, ( we didnt have anywhere to live) we desperately looked and looked and looked. he took me to a pub to discuss the futeure. I remeber jusyt crying thinking ( why am I doing this with this man?) because I was crying , he was drinking a pint- this is the first time it struck- He grabbed my arm and twisted it and twisted it and twisted it. I had no where to go. I could not look at him ( not ever ) I was so desolete...I remeber running away from him at some point during that night. i got lost on my way home and started to howl and panic. it was as though streets were spinning round and round and round. i coudnt find my way home. i got to my flat I was living in a box room my sister had the bedroom with the seaview. i knocked on her door. She was drunk and had smashed her bottom lip in. She had no idea I was expecting. I told her. it sobbered hher up good and proper. She cried with me when i told her what had happened that night. I dont know why, things got better, I forgot about it. We tried to make a proper go of things. ( Well I thought I had).

I think I got better , much better when my eldest daughter turned 1. I thin kI was happy, had a c**p part time job, renting a flat we were okay.

Then one night, My sister had been attacked. I heard from my dad. & men ( portugese we bastards ) had each lain into her , one by one) She was unconsciuos. I had to pheone ( oh god how did I get her)

thats the phone- must go!!!


You have been through much...

It seems like the past few years have been extremely difficult for you, and have led you to have many doubts... Doubts of yourself, your friends, family, and whether there is a higher authority or not.
With so many deaths and other negative things happening around you, you have decided that there is no God, as such a being of kindness, and goodness would never allow such pain suffering...

I really do not want to push you away, or scare you by talking about God, but I have seen many say the same thing, "there is no God because he would never allow......"
Well bad things certainly do happen around us, and we will never live a life without trials, without something to test our strength, faith, or love. We can never understand our God, his plans are too complex for us to understand as humans, but God does occassionally allow bad things to happen (not because he is mean.) The book of Job is filled with one of God's greatest followers being stricken by disease, death of every friend and his entire family, and all around him they would say "just deny the Lord, for he would never allow such as this to happen" Job never denied the Lord, through all the pain and suffering, and in the end, was rewarded.

That was a story from the bible, but there are many around us who experience similiar things. From getting raped as a child (ex girlfriend) to having family members die (close friend) to jus having disaster after disaster happen to us (uncle) people will turn away from God, believing there is not one, since these things have happened.
Do not give up so easily, as this is only what the Devil wants from us. We all go through pain and suffering of our own kind, but this does not mean there is no God. If the world was filled with perfection, (no hate, deaths, atrocities, or sickness) then our lives would be boring, and death would never come. But God wants us to come to know him, to understand that death and acts of unkindness are just a part of this world, but that he will always be there for us, to comfort us, and help us through our problems.

I know I have talked much on a subject you do not believe in, and have turned this conversation away from one of medical help, to one of relifion. I am sorry, and do not want to scare you away, or anger you.

Always being depressed is of course a chronic depression. You continuously feel depressed all the time (can still go through periods of happiness, that eventually fall apart) and many times, over nothing at all. It becomes hard to fit in with those around you because people usually do not want to hang around someone so depressed (I know from experience) whether you show it or not. This in turn can make you even more depressed. When you go through times of trouble, you just want assurance, especially from those closest to us, and when they do not provide what we need, we feel lonely, unloved, or left out.

The "lump in your throat" sounds like anxiety. Trust me, I have been there too. It sucks becuse it is scary, can leave you short of breath, make it hard to speak, and leave you wondering what the hell is going on???
My anxiety got so bad, that I honestly thought I was having a heart attack on the drive back to college. I was alone, and far from the next town of any kind, I had to call 911 and ask for an ambulance to meet me, and I was driving twice the speed limit to get their sooner.

When we have a medical condition, especially with the brain, we need help. I have seen a psychiatrist for the last ten years of my life, read many books concerning the matter, and come to realize a few major things:

Although there are many things we can do to relieve the pain of depression, many times we can never fully get rid of it, and for the ones with the worse cases, there is nothing we can do other than take what is prescribed to us by someone who understands.
I have tried many things that never worked, but only made my problems worse. I tried drinking, (like a fish) every hour of every day. I began taking pills, with or without alcohol (with when I coud) I took xanex, vicodin, valiums, hydrocodones, loracets, oxycodone, percocet, morphene, other painkillers, muscle relaxers, and anti depressants. I even smoked weed, smoked salvia, tripped acid, snorted cocaine, and done many other crazy things just to try and relieve the pain.
I found out that none of these ridiculous self-medications help at all, only make worse, much much worse. but what I have found to help is:

-getting involved in things I call fun (camping, fishing, hiking, riding a bike, reading a book, playing board games, or some activity with friends)
-take up a hobby
-speak to a doctor. If you don't trust the one you have been to, find another! See what they have to say, of course there could be something else wrong, but if they diagnose you with something, then they are probably right, and denial wont change a damn thing, (been there)

I truly hope I can help you in some way, if you have any questions, or comments, (about this or anything else) please dont hesitate


Hi there, thanks for your message jack52.

I dont believe in him upstairs( No offence 0because scientifically none of it adds up ( not in my head) I could never get my head around some magical myth that someone made up and spread gospel around to evoke some sort of magic to our existence. What I say, look at dust.....take a loo.....yes, thats all we become....dust is just as one once was .....Its dust and ahses......and if there were a god....what god made him .her and so on ...I just think none of these things add up. I am much more inclined to favour evolutionary theorists....just as they make more sense . Take a look at the ape .....there hands and so forth.......go back in history with these animalse ...It all makes more sense to me. not tha Iam trying to make you not believe in God, just thats how I think. I think schools should not be teaching Catholism to children ...It has to be open ALL RELIGION SHOULD BE TAUGHT not just the one and all scientific evidence should be brought to light. thats my feelings on that subject. Further to this, Ive watched, seen and felt life drift from people i have loved and .. once you have felt that I just cant think that anyone would want to come back to life ( Thats what i used to think) as another something or someone.

Anyway, sorry, i mean no offence to anyone here. Thats just how I see it, not how others should and what not.

Grief does do strange things, especially to me. I was lying in bed and feeling.well c**p and I got this odd sensatin someone cuddling me and making me feel okay. Weird huh???

Okay, I guess thats my problem . Its like I think negatively and seek reassurance from others all the time. I am like a burst drain pipe, exhausting and empty....thats how I must seem to others. I do try to make others laugh , but thats to mask the way I am.

I am really worried as wel, my legs are all vainy and when ever coming out of bath /shower etc, they are really patchy read and itchy, and my toe is more swollen than ever and really white now.

Okay....this is my plan........FIMO
good book
watch a movie
fill out applicatin form
bed at 1015 ( if I go any later I definately wnat sleep and if I go any earlier ( same problem)

My problems stem too from lack of sleep, so I may try that Nytol. Ages ago I took zoplicone, but frankly I didnt like it. So Ill tyr this instead. Anyway, jack thank you for your kind words, and I hope Ive not upset you by what I have said- you ha ve helped in some ways , you understand the loneliness ( thats for sure) It is lonely and ive lost friends to it - just as I find it difficult to speak and feel lonely for not being able to make myself be uderstood. People get fed up with me, They really do and its not so good. But then I think If they were such good friends they wouldnt walk and turn their backs But then I worry if that all stemns from my history, the fact I hung around them when boy friends left and so on,, yet wghen stalked and all the rest, no one came to visit, I gor really upset by that and wonder why ????Why? and its like either no one cares or wy do I have to work so hard yet no one helps ( It all sounds so bitter) but thats why I shut myself off now) I need to focus on my children and my family Thats it.

This is the other thing, ill never forget these words spoken from someone that was giving me help She said"You should be phoning your mum, your sister , a friend ......" I started to get a little hysterical.....I thought shed understood me......but this knocked it for me...That I was really low and LONELY and that, in order to cope with things, that show i shall remain, Ill just be as friendly as I can in the meantime. I see no point talking about something that happened in the past 2years, 1 year or 11years ago, I just need to put me together and move on. I must be able to move on. I just think its so difficult to forget and when someone touches me, I sometimes get the taste of vomilt in my mouth and I want to sry and yelll and on the same pendulum I miss affection, and tis hard its really upsetting. When I am ill , the only people I like close to me ar emy children but thats makes me felel bad as I am their mother ( not hte other way arounf) Okay iam going to go now I ve said enough.

But thank Jack 52 for speaking to me.


Hey........ Your welcome

I have taken no hard feelings, and I hope that you have not either. My intention was not to try and convert you religiously, I did not sign up for this website in order to go "preaching the gospel" or throwing bibles at people.

I simply understand (as someone who has been though a lot) that many of us go through very difficult times and situations and words cannot explain how much a friend, or just some kind words can help.

Sometimes all we need is someone to talk to, sumone who has been through hell and back, or is still in hell lost and confused to talk to. They know what we are going through, or at least a part of the pain we feel.

I think it's great that you turn to your children when you are lonely or need comfort. I do the same thing!!
One day, they will turn to you for comfort. They will see, and understand that you have been through much, you have faced opposition and spit in her face, been laughed at, and learned to laugh right back!! Teaching our children how to deal with depression, being outcast, or unpopular are some of the most important things that we have to offer our children.

Take care Daftydil, and I hope that things make a change for you. We both know that things never take a "180 degree turn" or begin to have roses and daisies just spring out of nowhere, but that in time, things will always get better.
Remember this, and keep your head up. You truly sound like a magnificent person, one of kindness, caring, passion, love, and understanding.... I would truly be thankful to have a close friend like you.

Never get your hopes down, and turn to your children often, spread love throughout your family.

And of course, do not forget to post me often!!
Let me know how you are doing, and getting along.
And when I go through one of my inevitable cycles of depression, please remember me and cheer me up!!!

Take care


Its me again, ( Thanks for those kind words) They heloed )..Though last night partner started to go off on one of his benders. I wasnt feeling well and hit the hay early. My head was thumping and I had to get up about 4 times durong the night to go tto the lou. Anyway, eventually convinced myself that I have a weird cold, and that everything will be all right. AT 6 AM i GOT TO SLEEP. fOR THE HOUR THAT i DID SLEEPI had really disturbing nioghtmares- awful. people murdering people and me screaming at my dad to stay with me, him not believeing me, and then being chased and chased and the other thing or person ( dont know what it was, was trying to cut me up with a heavy butchers knife. Normally I would wake myself out of these, but must have bee to tired. I woke up crying, and then dragged myself to work.

My children are both off with this bug and are not very well.

I dont know what to do. I am really struggling. I just want to go. I dont get me. Spoke to someone about my situation and homelife. but I cant see it. I cant see me feeling any better because I will be alone I cant see how that can improve anything, ( Sorry I am really tired - maybe that would solve some of the things I feel) But GrRRR111

I am glad you never took any offenve about that religious /non-religious stuff. At the end of the day, whats ther. or not there, it doesnt matter, its still the end or a new beginning depending on how you wish to see it. Oh okay, I want be cheering anyone here, so Ill pop off.

What scares me the most is my behaviour I think things like imagine.....and then find myself doing these things somewhat later. That lack of control is terriffying me,( Sorry for the typoos). I cant ta\ke that pill I was given as I cant work properly on it.

Sorry for the doom. Partner drank 3 bottles of wine last night ( Id be dead)


God, my mum has upset me so much today -so angry, but then trying to contorl this as I know she meant well, but boy why cant I turn round to her and say"You should think before you speak"-but then she wouldnt be able to workout what it was she said to make me so damn angry. She really has a magiv gift .

Its weird. I also got a new top ( which I was quite happy about-she says it looks quite tight, but in actual fact saying as I tried 3 layers on underneathit It is baggy but why does she have to invite herslef over to throw insults and its like shes jealousor something. Anyway, must dash.


Well its good to here from you, even if things are not going the best.

I also am not feeling the greatest. Last week, I broke up with my girlfriend that I have dated for a year. She has two kids from another man, and I still got in a relationship with her while she was pregnent with the second.
I love the kids, and thought of them as my own, without a second thought. Things began to get bad though. I began to take care of them more than anyone else. Even when I went to college, somehow on the weekends, was taking care of them more than she or their father was the whole week.

To be extremely brief, she sucked me dry... I spent all my money trying to make her happy (all of each paycheck and that wasnt enuf so had to withdraw from bank) Got a differnt job for more money and that still wasn't enough. She spent all my money, then was mad that she had to pay for my gas for me to come home on the weekend for me to come take care of her and the kids (with me having no sleep from college and then watching kids, feeding, clothing, and playing with them.) Although I loved it, it got difficult to wake up, when they needed food. The one night I told her I was too tired to get up to feed them, so she would have to (4am) she was terribly pissed off and called me many bad names, and told me how unresponsible a person I am.....

Things have been getting worse, no sleep worrying bout her and kids, almost failed college, have to work extremely hard this semester to keep scholarship, she never wanted me to go anyway, but still wants me to stay in town with her, at a minimum wage job, so that I can be close, and she can watch me and make sure I am not doing anything that I souldn't!! And of course, me take care of her kids instead of her, because she is just tired and can't do it, and they love you more anyway.
I was beggining to believe her as the oldest would not mind anyone else, and was completely destrcutive, but would act a perfect angel for me. And the youngest, (3Months) would get so upset and cry and cry for hours, with no one being able to soothe him for anything, but as soon as I pick him up, and hold him to my chest, he immediately stops crying and starts to smile, then laugh. It makes me feel so good inside, and I feel so bad about leaving them, but I had to brake up with her.

I finally got so bad health worrying bout them more than me, lost 20pounds of muscle when I had none to lose (im real skinny) went from running 15miles everyday training to run a marathon to barely can run one mile now, and then I had a panick attakc....

It happened one night on way back to school, it was about 4am, (never got away sooner although its a 2hour drive back to college, cuz I had to take care of kids, feed them, then put them to bed, then just hold her cuz it made her happy, then tuck her into bed, cuz that made her happy, then turn off all the lights, make sure there is a good fire in fireplace for warmth, load up, lock everything up, then leave for college at 4am or later) this was killing me and many times almost died from wrecks cuz so tired on drive home. Anyway, had a panick attack, thout I was having a heart attack and had to have an ambulance meet me...

I finally had to tell her it wasn't working out and broke up with her. Feel horrible bout leaving kids for her alone to take care of because I know that she won't do it right, and thier father doesn't seem to care about what is best for them, and gives a one year old daugter candy for her meals!!!

I don't know, it's much worse and longer and more complicated, but I have to get ready for class

Didn't mean to sound so bad, wanted to say something nice but I am so sad, depressed, and feel like a hole in my heart, so freakin lonely!! I will come back in a few hours because I had something to say about your dreams.

Hope you are doing well,

Take care


Hey Jack, its nice that you got so close to her children and her, my only words of advice on your situation is stay in touch to give the children some sort of reprieve. If they know you are still their for them unlike their biological father , then that will be reassuring for them. Hoe\wever, dont beat yourself up for this situation, if you carry on giving like this , You are more than likely to feel drained and walked over. She cannot have her cake and eat it. it sounds like she needs to learn that her own demandds should diminish with the facts that shes bringing up 2 children. She needs to relalise that she cannot simply take take take, despite if it made her feel good or not. So do not under any conditions feel guilty for this situatin . She has to take responsibility for them, alone. It was afterall her decision to have them with her ex ( who does not seem to give a damn) Someone has to take responsibility for them and thats not really your problem. On the same note however as you have been so close to these children it might do them some psychological damage just to end contact. But looking at the ages of them , you would be correct to move on while they are still babies. Babies memories dont really start working until much later ( usually) So I know it will hurt , but perhaps you could relax from your worries bearing that in mind.

Yeah, my mum can be overbearing sometimes yet I love her so. But she said some truly hurtful things, but does not know how far they dig as I cannot tell her everything about my past for fear that it will upset her, and due to the facts its been such a long time I think it would upset her more. The less said the better.

Anyway, I hope you can take some words of encouragement out of this. Dont let her make you be her doormat. My guess is it sounds like youve done the right thing even though these things can be grieving and sdisturbing, but to me it sounds like she lacks somesort of responsibility , and thats not your problem to worry about. Stick in with your work and your scholarship . Put you first for once. You will be okay and keep that in mind. Tae care, and hope to hear form you soon, dafty


Wow... I don't know where to begin!! I came back to try to give you encouragement and support (concerning dreams ect.) and find that I believe I am taking more from this one.
I wanted to say something about the like of also having crazy and very vivid dreams myself a few years ago. It seemed every night would bring some wild tale of fiction to reality. Many times I would find myself chased by some horrible terror, whether I could see them or not, I would always seem to wake up just before death. Later I had even worse dreams full of being chased in strange lands, and once on the very street that I lived!! In some, I even died... Strange, I had heard that if you die in a dream, your mind shuts down, and you die in reality. But here I am, having died, and horribly in more than one dream, (one which still haunts me every so often)

Enough of wild nightmares tho, (but I do believe that sometimes our dreams are related to our waking world: as we sometimes dream of what we focus on throughout the day, consciously or subconcsiously) you said that your mother had said some things to you that left you quite upset...
I have come to realize that I love my own mother deeply, for all her faults. No time to explain everything (would take a book) but I basically felt like I was raised by a child, and I the parent (concerning mother, definately not father.) Although she was kind, (sort of) and seemed to care about my health, safety, and happiness, she did nothing a normal mother would (so it seemed) She never played with me, or taught me words of advice, had no active roles in any part of my life (school, social, or anything) and she did not do "motherly-type things" such as cleaning, cooking or the such.
Instead, I cleaned up after myself, did my own laundry, and cooked food to eat for myself whenever I became hungry (for her too) since the age of four or so. In some ways, I am thankful as I learned resposibility, but it did become a challenge at times taking care of my mother by not only cooking for her, on occassion washing her clothes, and even cleaning her room when she was unable to do it by herself...
Especially in my teenage years, I was very hateful. I would scream at her, call her names, and tell her how worthless she was to me, and declare that I had no idea why my father married her unless my elder sister was a "surprise" that he married her to cover. My actions caused great excitement and turmoil, she has fybromyalgia, which accounts for some of her lack of doing things, and is highly depressed accounting for more, added ADHD on top, to account for the rest. I knew all these things, and yet mocked her and scorned her whenever I saw her eating another bowl of cottage cheese (her entire diet for three meals) or watching t.v. or reading a book which seemed all she did throughout her waking hours. I visited anger and hatred upon her with every look, and each word spoken to her was filled with anger, and hatred.

Since then, I have matured much, and come to understand many things. For the first time in years, I hug my mother, and tell her I love her on the rare weekends I see her, if I decide to go "home" from college. I have called her for help, and even talked to her of some of the troubles I face, though nothing deep so as not to worry her.
A remarkable change has come over me....
I have realized that this woman, through all her faults is, was, and always will be my mother. People have told me for years that I should respect her no matter, just because she is my mother, and went through so much pain and ect. for me to be born. Something larger than that idea has come over me recently, and I am not quite sure how to phrase it exactly... But the main thing is that I have come to love my mother for who she is, and to except her along with her faults odd as they may be (we all have them, and some are just plain weird) and things have become easier. I do not resent her as I once did, and find the words "I love you" coming to my lips without strain. When she goes on one of her weird little tangents and starts doing and saying crazy things that normally I would just want to hit her, or shake her by the collare exclaiming "what is wrong with you??!!!" (never did of course) but now, I take it in stride, realize that things are not so great a worry, and what will be, will be.

I have no great advice in dealing with mothers, but through all the strained mother/son and mother/daughter relationships that I have seen, it has occured to me that the best thing to do is to be accepting. I will not say that it is only your imagination that your mother is speaking barbed comments directed as attack to you (my god! that's exactly how I saw her less than a year ago!!!) but maybe it's not quite as bad as you may think. My advice is, try to let things have no hold on your emetions (sh*t! this is how I used to be before anger and depression claimed it's hold on me) but to let things just roll off, unconcerning, because plainly said.. BS doesn't really matter. Quit worrying about the small problems (ex gf's mother always said don't worry about the small fish..... but attack the larger ones) Great advice, and hard as hell to accomplish!!

I must thank you though, it seems as if you have seen my ex through clear eyes so to say. My closest friends, my family, and even a psychiatrist has termed her as my "leech." She latched onto me and wouldn't let go because she saw that I would willingly take all her burdens for myself and even sacrifice my happiness for hers (even though I knew happiness was very temporary for her) I gave her and the children everything that I had, my money, my time, my energy, even my soul. And when I ran out, she was quick to anger, and demanding more.

The father of the kids play some role in thier lives, but what he does is worse than doing nothing. He comes in only to spoil them and feed them sugar till they have a sugar high. He does so purposely with the older one to keep her high on sugar (and happy from it) until she crashes at the point of return to mother, without a care for mother, or even what he is doing to child. Much worse could be said within a book, but I would be furious, and somewhat am just from thinking. But when he "keeps" the children, he only sends then to his mother's house (by the way, he is 12+ years older than mother....) who is already loaded down with five children other grandchildren from her other children.....
Many complications, children do not get fed, do not get naps, are not supervised often hurt themselves or other (very much) or left around cousins who are sick without a care that they might be contagious!!! Cannot explain all the damn f*****g problems arising from that one stupid ass damned pitiful excuse for a home!!!!!!!

My anger is getting the best of me, and I yet rise to her defense. I do not know what to do, all I know is that I couldn't stand the lopsided relationship anymore, no matter how much I miss them all, no matter what I leave them to (But its not my responsiblity!!!!) and especially her and her family who used me. Her family "loved me" so much because I was taking that spoiled child off of their hands, taking care of her, and going to become a rich lawyer to pay all of her, the child's bills, and maybe even thier's as well!!!! (sorry bastards)

I am terribly sorry for such a long post. I have let anger cloud my eyes, and am rambling. Please forgive me, and I hope that I could have imparted something to you, as you definately have to me

Thank you


Hey Jack- that was an amazing read ( sorry - I just think you explain yourself well).

Right nowI am very crabbie-so no offence, Ill try and make this short as full of the cold ( Though had it a while now) and really tired. Okay, what you say about dreams- they can be really disturbing, they scare me so much for fear that sometimes they might be a glance of the future.

When I was about 14/15 I remeber having nightmare that my big sister and mum were in a car accident. The following day they were. maybe its to give us a method to cope through, been there before ( kind of analogoy) I dont know. But these nightmares ....well put it this way , if they were to happen in real life, id probably end up in jail.

What you have said about your own mum...the fact she suffered with depression, fybromalgia ( whats that?) and oh god....ADHD ( sound luck me, and I am not joking by the by) is really interesting. I get angry with myself for not being as able as others, and that sometimes gets me depressed but then I get angry for feeling depressed and so on ....mad eh???? Anyway, okay so you say and hats off to you...and it would not be the first time someone has saif it to me"You only get one mum" ( If your lucky"! Its so true. I do love my mum for \everything, what she has done/did/ and for all her difficulties and for the facts that she doesnt seem to listen. I cant go into detail , but sometimes I just think Okay your my parent , I respect you and all that , but I think I also have the right to say NO and to say "You have NO right in telling me or preaching to me how to live mine- it was not you who stood by me and cuddled me when I was upset, It was not you who took me to school.nursery or held me tight when dad you did was shout at me ...then expeected me to fit in....I stood by you when your sister died and your dad died, Everyday I was there holding your hand crying with you hoping youd saty strong and, hoping youd manage to grip onto the happier days, Then you left us ...then she left us....Ran of with another man, and then dad hit her...and then he got reported and then he lost his job. Mum would shout and shout.

My grandad, her dad used to live with us,. He took me to school , read me my bedtime storied. He was my hero. Sometimes I smell fresh poaint or get a whiff of whisky or smell kippers...I know most people think yuck!!!! I get a real sense of comfort from them . He died of stomach and bowel cancer . He was gioven 6 months, but was still going 1yr later. Ill never forget ity. Its about the only time in my life that I walked away and took hold of myself.....( That is other than when I was expecting) . I stopped , in the sense of partytingand goot on with Uni work. In a way I was releived that his suffering was over, but I will never forget what a man he was to me. He lost his daughter after my mum was in her car crash and he never ciried about it ( In front of us) . Hed seem so strongyet we all knew it was him being protective. Gosh I am rambling about the past. I n a way I get bitter about having stood by my mum and then a year later I could really have done with some lov, but I guess if elt to ashamed to ask for it. I guess Ive never really forgivemn her for things in the passed and it does make me seem somewhat immature.

Okay, sorry got a little side tracked there, .....I thought I was going to make this message short...whoops (Say one thing do another) Okay yeas I thought it interesting about what you say about your mum , and how this ex of yours ( sorry to sound insensitive) has somesort of diminished responsibility issue and of how your mum ( due to her own issues , seemed to mirror this complaint. ( Well, maybe you have just prevented history repeating itself therer) Genetics and enviroment and all of it ...makes us all do things that have happened berfore and often repeat themselves in similar ways. Do you get what I am trying to say?

Perhaps you could just tkae remorse and pity your ex??????? If you had stayed in that relationship , it would have spiralled int o a whole differnt shape and god only know swhat could happen . not want to talk about my relationship. But fed up being tormeneted about how I got my black eye.

On that subject, my partner seems much more calm ( then before) tThough, Icant talk to him, sometimes he just snaps and it freaks me out, ....thats when sometimes I have to lock myself away and cry . Sometimes I think he just deserves some patience, he has his own issues ansd so on....but then I think well wait a minute we all have our own issues ( we dont go around thuumping people) or screaming F@@@@ck off) at each other Well, then again Adolf tried it and the Teenagers of this generation try it on us ( we b@@@@@sta@@@_) Oh I should stiop .

Sorry for the rambling/waffle but oh this is the other thing I do and did it writitn this I have a point to makle and then half way through a sentence I forget what the point is/was and then it doesnt make sense. Anyway, I hope Ive helped You must be feeling it right noe though. Breakups can be worse than loosing someone sometimes cause the rejection or the hurting the other can just keep on diggin in . Like a spike in your digs deep because it hurts...yet you cant explain it to your head that it is over That you should stop with the guilt as that other person is still there , alive and ask yourself constantly why cant we just fix \this?????? Do you know what I am trying to say????? Hmm, okay I better go do some housework, got carried away. Gosh Typoos are awful. I hope you can manage to read trhis. Take care of you , Dafty


Feeling really choked up, and throat and neck really sore. Had this bug since Friday and its a real nasty. So I was walkinf one of my childrens friends home, started to feel nauseates, then went really dizzy so dizzy things were moving and I had to stop with child holding my hand, She didnt say anything , just looked at me like I was the hulk. Just so glad to be home now, but feeling a bit sick. I dont know, was that just my anxiety getting the better of me. If i feel like this tomorrow I dont think I ll be going to work. My toe is sore and its amazing how these things play wiith you rbalance. I hate falling and its now becoming another fear of mine.

Anyway, thought Id fill you in on the details I better go before I get caught on this PC, Hope you okay???