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I just wanted to ask you ladies/men a question. Would you leave your husband/wife if he/she decided that he/she didnt want children and you desperatly wanted them?

Even if you all had decided before you got married that you wanted to have a family and then after you all were married he/she just said, NO i dont want them?

How would that make you feel? Would you be angry and leave? or would you support his/her decision and stay with him/her and never have children because he/she says so?

Thanks for your inputs!

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The decision to have children should be a joint decision and if he agreed to start a family prior to your marriage and found out that he did not want any once married then YES I would be pissed off and angry!!

My partner and I have decided to have children and I certainly love him dearly. If he turned around and told me that once after marriage that he did not want any...then unfortunately I would leave him and why you ask?? I would hope and think that this person that I was about to marry was all 100% for having children. To turn around and change his mind will devastate me. If he does not want any children then that is his decision although I would move on by leaving him. :D

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its not my husband that doesnt want them, i just thought i'd ask because i have a friend who's going through that and i thought i would get the opinions of others to see how they feel about something like this, but i totally agree with you. thanks!
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if my husband told me he is all for having kids before we get married, and then after marriage he has decided not to have any children i will be very upset, i'd be a mad black woman! i'd beat my husbands ass! but thats just me. as far as i know my husband and i are TTC. we have been unfortunate but hopefully we have a miracle.godbless and hope you get what you want.
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well the better question is.. why the change of heart? is the marriage happy? i have a five year old son from a previous relationship and i told my (now) husband that i probably would never have him a child. i just didn't want to have another baby. i went thru it alone and the thought of that happening again terrified me. he wants to have a child more than life itself. and now that we are married i have changed my mind and we are trying with the condition that its one child and then he goes to get snipped. you have to wonder what made him change his mind. if he's not unhappy, has he had a buddy or two that recently had children and it's putting strain on them or thier marriages? parenthood is a scary thing, especially to men. i would dig a little deeper before i made any hasty decisions.
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I agree with KHolly101. Definitely dig deep and find out the REASON behind the change of heart. If he loves your friend then he will be honest with her and share his concerns rather than just giving a shortended "no, I don't want kids anymore". If he does not want to discuss the reasons for why he's changed his mind and he is insensitive to her feelings about the situation AND on top of that insists on retracted on a decision they made together prior to marriage, well, then I would definitely seek counseling first and if that did not work....personally, I would not be able to stay with someone so selfish. You can't make a mutual decision, get married and then retract it and expect the other partner to just accept it because they are your spouse. It is unfair to them. Your friend disclosed prior to getting married that she wanted children. If her husband did not want children, he should have chosen another woman to marry. I'm sure if she had known this was going to happen, she would have said no when he popped the question.

I hope they can work it out.
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Thank you Milly
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I am in a very similar situation. I have been married for seven years. My husband and I agreed before we married that we wanted two children, but we did not agree on when. I started wanting to have kids about four years ago, but he has not been ready. My patience has run out. I have told him that I will leave him if he keeps postponing having children. We are about to go to counseling. I am confident that we will be able to work it out. Tell your friend to demand that they go to counseling so they can try to reach an agreement. If he refuses, she should leave him.
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Thank you Lonna
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latin_gurl wrote:

Even if you all had decided before you got married that you wanted to have a family and then after you all were married he/she just said, NO i dont want them?

Thanks for your inputs!



This happened to me. From my experience.....move on. We went to the marital classes sponsered by our church to bring out things before marriage. At that time we both wanted a family, 3-4 children. After about 5 years without children he was quite comfortable and decided he didn't need any. Guess what? I did. It happened about 3 years later. The result was very little help and not the happy family that you imagine. Wouldn't let me go anywhere without the babe. Always stayed at home. No going out anymore as a couple. Didn't want an only child. Guess what he didn't want anymore. I insisted and after 8 years and 2 of thos on fertility his only come back was -- Are you happy? My kids are great but it didn't turn out to the family that I had built in my head.
You are just starting out. Have a family with a man who wants one with you.
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Here is the hardest part of this issue. You have 2 people who love each other very much at different points on a subject. Kids or no kids isn't like what's for dinner. I would never recommend to any couple that love each other enough to just leave over the debate either. This is a very good time for marital counselling. This way you can get out in the open with someone else about reasons for wanting or not wanting kids. You might be suprised that when you come out of councelling that not all hope is lost. Councelling will really help to clear up the air about time frame that each of you is speaking about when you say yes I want kids or no I don't want kids. Also the reasons for wanting kids. Is it that you just hung out with some good kids for the weekend? Were you surrounded by babies with the new baby smell. Btw, that's how they get us to buy new cars too. Hehe. But seriously, the issue of to have kids or not to have them is very complicated. It's almost never as cut & dry as I want & she doesnt, or he wants & I don't. There are a miriad of reasons and the more open everyone is about what they feel, what they want, the better this process will go.

This is one area that men and women are very different. Men didn't grow up playing with dolls and learning how to be a daddy. Women do. Women grow up learning what kind of a mommy they want to be, what size family they want. Men don't. That's one big difference. Another is the phases of going from not wanting kids to wanting kids. Men go from not really wanting kids, to wanting to be a Dad in a pretty short span. Women's timeline is much more drawn out and complicated. We go from not really wanting kids, to awe how cute is that baby, to maybe I would want a baby, to kids would be cool, to I want to be a mommy. So ladies? When the guy changes his mind it's much quicker than when we do.

I will also warn you, that even after councelling if you are still on different pages and want different things in life, the end result may be to part ways. That's a tough thing to say. Especially over an issue as simple as kids. Believe me, any parent will tell you kids are complicated, and it's never easy being a parent. I'm not a parent but have babysat enough to know what it's like. Buyer beware, there is a witching hour, and a gremlin cutoff. Witching hour is generally around 8-9 pm. Kids are emotionally exhausted from their day at this point. Just like adults that get cranky when they need sleep, kids have a threshold as well. They just haven't learned to cope and hide it like adults do. Also there is a gremlin cutoff where you can't feel or water them after a certain time or they will turn into these monsters. Hehe. Some kids are more prone to the gremlin cutoff than others. I babysat for some kids where you couldn't feed them ice cream after 6pm. I didn't understand the rule until I witnessed it first hand.

But there are ways to compromise too if it's still a hot issue with no resolution. I also highly recommend babysitting for friends first as well. Getting first hand exposure may help the situation. It's good to see kids at all stages in the day to get a better idea of what you are in for. You can also beome a big brother or big sister. It may give your loved one a chance to ease into the idea. I'm not saying you are trying to change their mind for them, but it's a big step when one person changes their mind to expect the person they love to make the same leap of faith. That's probably the hardest part in all of this. Here is the person you committed to spending the rest of your life with, on the same page in every instance, suddenly they aren't on the same page as you. You feel hurt that they don't want to have kids with you. Relax, it's not that at all. They just aren't on the same page with you just yet. And pushing the issue will only put them on the defensive. Give them time to get used to the change. If I come home tonight and tell my husband I want a Porsche and bring home ads showing them for sale, he's going to think I've lost my mind. Yesterday I didn't want one and today I'm ready to committ to $600/month car payments without really discussing what it means? Same thing here. I'm all excited that I finally discovered the car of my dreams and can't get why he's not on the same page as me, and he wonders who this person is that came home and suddenly is a Porsche girl, but wasn't a week ago. He's going to ask a ton of questions most at first about who are you and what did you do with my wife who was fine with a nice Volvo or Honda. The next is do you know what you are getting into and what the 911 on the Porsche really means? It's kinda the same thing here. A kid is a huge leap of faith. I know there is a 12 months wait list even after you decide you want a baby, but it's important to know you are ready because this is one wait list you can't get out of if you change your mind and want a refund.
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