So, I'm a 24 year old female. My husband and I have been together for 5 1/2 years. We just got married in August of this year (2007) We had to take a couples course...because I wanted a wedding at a catholic church. Anyways... we have talked about kids plenty! I want a baby now and he doesnt. he wants to wait for another year or 2 before. I always wanted to have them young. It makes everything... I dont know... complete? You finally have a family...you finally get to teach someone (a part of you) everything you know! It's so amazing, to be able to do something like that..dont you think?
Seems like everyone around us are having babies....might I add.. that is not totally why I want a baby right now... but since they are our friends....our babies will be able to play together and grow up together.
He mostly says it's a money thing as to why we cant have a baby yet. If everyone waited until they thought they would have enough money...I dont think anyone would have a baby!
So basically....I think I need to stop bringing up this baby issue to him... I think it's not so great for our relationship....I know a year isnt really that long... but it's just I dont understand what he is waiting for?
Any suggestions on how I can cope with waiting or how i could possibly talk him into having a baby... I mean... you never know how long it could take to get pregnant for one.... and for two...you still have 9 months before the baby is born.
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Try starting a new online savings account and make it the "baby fund".
Scrimp, save, and try to earn more money to put money into that account.
Maybe he'll feel better if he sees a nice chunk of money in the baby fund and feel more comfortable about the idea.
Whatever you do, don't trick him or do anything sneaky like stop taking your birth control. A relationship is based upon trust.
Good luck. :-)
Scrimp, save, and try to earn more money to put money into that account.
Maybe he'll feel better if he sees a nice chunk of money in the baby fund and feel more comfortable about the idea.
Whatever you do, don't trick him or do anything sneaky like stop taking your birth control. A relationship is based upon trust.
Good luck. :-)
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I understand where you are coming from. I have been with my Husband for almost 8 yesrs. I am 28 he is 29 and we have had this baby issue for about 3 years now. He wants to wait 2-5 more years and I my heart just about fell out of my chest. I have been aching for a baby for about 4 years and my husband has this attitude like "whats the rush"? Unfortulatly as the months go by I resent him more and more. We have just now started counseling because I can't supress my feelings any longer. I feel that my husband is being unreasonable. If I went on my Husbands time line I will be having my last child (we want 2) when I turn 37-39. I am at a cross roads. I would almost rather be alone than feel and act this way towards him. I would do almost anything to not have these feelings anymore and just do what my husband wants, but thats not how reality is. The point to my long story is. Don't let wanting a baby get to the point where I am at now. Have open communication and go see a counselor if you feel that your husband an you are starting to resent eachother. It maybe to late for me, but you two will work it out.
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I have been searching all over for some sign that I am not alone. I know there are women out there who feel the way we do but it's easy to feel alone. I am only 22, my husband and I have been together for 4 years. I have always wanted to start my family at a younger age and I have felt ready for quite some time. Many people tell me that we are "so young" and there's plenty of time to have children but that hasn't changed my overwhelming desire to be a mother. I had somewhat of a terrible childhood and many struggles as an adult and I feel that having my own family would make my life bright in a way I have always dreamt of. My husband and I had all these plans together. Part of that was to start a business and settle down almost a year ago. He recently decided that he wanted to go back to school and has told me that we shouldn't have kids until he's done. I am fully committed to him going to school but I still think having children is completely doable now. I have a good job that would allow maternity leave and I know we could make it work. I sometimes secretly wish that it would just happen on "accident" and I'd get pregnant even though we are very careful. Each day that goes by I feel more and more alone in my marriage. It seems impossible to imagine dealing with this heartache for the next 4 years. I don't know if I can make it. I know I don't have any answers for you but I thought you might find solace in the fact that you are not alone. If you want to talk more we should swap email addresses. Thanks for listening.
Chelsea
Chelsea
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o.O
Wow ...
I truly thought I was alone. I am also ... 23. I have many medical problems and I am so scared. He wants to wait. I want it now. He wants to go to school and 'be more prepared' financially.
Will this debate ever end? What is it with men not understanding that with women's timelines ...we are under a time limit! Just because there are women having babies after 30 doesn't mean that genetically, physically, and emotionally ... it is safe to do so. Why does our schedule have to reflect theirs? Do they not realize it is our bodies that will be the ones going through it?
I am sorry ... I am just ranting here. We just had that conversation again the other night. I have problems in the female department and I am scared that if I wait much longer ... or even wait the four plus years he is wanting to wait ... that there may be no chance of me having one of my own. I realize there will always be adoption and all of that, but he thinks we have to be financially sound to have a baby 'traditionally' wait til he sees the usual cost to adopt. In the end any price is worth it to me. But the feeling of having one of your own is priceless ... no matter what it costs.
Besides ... at least you guys get to have sex while you wait. My husbands new approach to this is we aren't going to have sex until we are ready to have a baby because no contraceptive is 100% effective. OMG. What is this B.S.? So now not only do I have to cope with waiting so long I might not be able to have my own ... but I also have to go without being with him on the physical level. Seems like a nightmare come to life. Someone ... anyone ... I am going to lose it here.
I mean I know what you are going through honey ... we all do ... but i would happily trade you for what you have if you take this B.S. from me.
:Cries:
Wow ...
I truly thought I was alone. I am also ... 23. I have many medical problems and I am so scared. He wants to wait. I want it now. He wants to go to school and 'be more prepared' financially.
Will this debate ever end? What is it with men not understanding that with women's timelines ...we are under a time limit! Just because there are women having babies after 30 doesn't mean that genetically, physically, and emotionally ... it is safe to do so. Why does our schedule have to reflect theirs? Do they not realize it is our bodies that will be the ones going through it?
I am sorry ... I am just ranting here. We just had that conversation again the other night. I have problems in the female department and I am scared that if I wait much longer ... or even wait the four plus years he is wanting to wait ... that there may be no chance of me having one of my own. I realize there will always be adoption and all of that, but he thinks we have to be financially sound to have a baby 'traditionally' wait til he sees the usual cost to adopt. In the end any price is worth it to me. But the feeling of having one of your own is priceless ... no matter what it costs.
Besides ... at least you guys get to have sex while you wait. My husbands new approach to this is we aren't going to have sex until we are ready to have a baby because no contraceptive is 100% effective. OMG. What is this B.S.? So now not only do I have to cope with waiting so long I might not be able to have my own ... but I also have to go without being with him on the physical level. Seems like a nightmare come to life. Someone ... anyone ... I am going to lose it here.
I mean I know what you are going through honey ... we all do ... but i would happily trade you for what you have if you take this B.S. from me.
:Cries:
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I really needed to see these posts today. I am 24 years old and my husband is 26. We have been together for a total of almost 7 years and as of 3/31/09 will have been married for 2 years. I've been working with kids since I was 15 years old. My husband knew how much I loved children and knew that I wanted some of my own. Don't get me wrong, he isn't saying that we can never have kids, but every time we talk about it, there is a new reason why we can't. Our house isn't big enough, we don't make enough money, we don't have time, we're too young. Everytime I make changes to fix one of the problems, there is a new excuse as to why we cannnot have kids. I am a very maternal person and my desire to have a child is so strong that it is really causing me to resent my husband. I've picked up babysitting jobs on the side just to feel that interaction with children, which keeps me away from home more and away from the issue altogether. This just makes things worse. I truly feel that this could RUIN my marriage. I've tried talking to him, but he just dismisses my feelings. It's like he knows he has the power to keep this from happening and he is just hanging it over my head. I can't take this anymore. I'm tired of talking to him about it, I'm tired of stressing about it, I'm tired of my heart breaking everytime I think about it. What can we do?????
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:? I am so glad to see all these posts. I am 29 my husband is 32. We have been together 8 years and married 1 and a half year s. I feel all y'all's pain. My husband doesn't want kids til he is finished with college in May '09, we move out of the apartment we have lived in 8 years-our lease expires October '09, my Aflac short term disability kicks in February '09, and this is the kicker...We have enough money. What makes this the worst is that my husband is a LOAN OFFICER at a bank!! Hah! It is soooo hard. We were the last ones out of all our friends to get married, will be the last ones to get a house and the last ones to have a baby. He just told me that one of the girls that was in our wedding is pregnant with her 2nd kid. It took everything I had not to break down. Plus, his family constantly asks me if I am pregnant yet, and when are we having kids... They ask me. Not him. I am like ask my husband about it. What also makes me mad also is that no guy ever thinks about how we would feel having a baby later. I want to have a kid now because, my parents were old parents. I don't want people to mistake me for my kid's grandparents. I also want to have one young because when you are young, your body bounces back better, and I think the older you are, the increased risk of problems. It makes me sooo mad, after all, we are the ones that have to HAVE it. I get scared too, that when we do try, that I won't be able to, and if that happens, I will be like, see, we should have done it when I was ready.
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This is exactly how I feel, I am 26, my husband is 28, and while I realize that's still young- I want to be a young mom! My mom was 36 & my dad 40 when they had me... We've only been married just over 3 years, but have been together for about 9 1/2. And, as someone else pointed out, all of our friends are having babies- how nice for our kids to grow up together! I literally feel like I am surrounded by babies lately.... and I want to join in on the fun :(
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wow I knew I was looking for other who struggled with this as I have but I was starting to worry I was losing my mind and it was just me. I am so glad to find that you guys have been replying to the posts. I wrote earlier about my hubby and how he wants to wait and I have this uncontrollable desire to start now. I realize that we have an agreement to wait, but we really could have started a family now. Unfortunately we are having other problems in our marriage that I believe are related to the fact that Im not sure we will ever have the family and life we've always talked about.
I work so that my husband can go to school. He came back from a 15 month tour in iraq in Feb '08 and suffers from PSTD. He doesn't work or help much at home. I recently found out that he's been skipping classes and after almost a year of asking him to seek therapy has he finally attempted his 1st appointment. Two months ago I told him how unhappy i was and asked that he either work or go to therapy. Now things are falling apart. Yesterday I asked him to stay at his parents for a while.... I think It has a lot to do with my need for stability and Im not sure he can offer me that..... I am hoping he will be more motivated to collect himself. Im sorry to ramble....Im just scared. anyways, I guess it's good at least to talk about our issues with other women. We're not all losing our minds.
I work so that my husband can go to school. He came back from a 15 month tour in iraq in Feb '08 and suffers from PSTD. He doesn't work or help much at home. I recently found out that he's been skipping classes and after almost a year of asking him to seek therapy has he finally attempted his 1st appointment. Two months ago I told him how unhappy i was and asked that he either work or go to therapy. Now things are falling apart. Yesterday I asked him to stay at his parents for a while.... I think It has a lot to do with my need for stability and Im not sure he can offer me that..... I am hoping he will be more motivated to collect himself. Im sorry to ramble....Im just scared. anyways, I guess it's good at least to talk about our issues with other women. We're not all losing our minds.
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Seeing posts from people younger than myself makes me feel that I am not being unreasonable. For some reason the accepted age for pregnancy is 30 where I live.
I am 27 and have been married for 3 years now but known my husband for 8 years and he is even 33yrs old and he doesn't want children yet because he wants to do postgraduate study now. The course won't start until 07/09 and he may do it for 2 yrs!!! In fact I am sure he would choose a 2yr course to spite me....but then there will probably be something else. I encouraged us to renovate a 3 bedroom house (which we have recently completed) and that is his fodder for why we don't have the money now, and meanwhile I see mothers with less stable situations very happy with children....I am starting to feel that they gloating at me. Their lives are complete and mine is barren.
I work 5 days a week on a good salary with maternity leave while my husband works 3 days a week! Is there a part of the marriage contract that is legally binding regarding having children?
I am 27 and have been married for 3 years now but known my husband for 8 years and he is even 33yrs old and he doesn't want children yet because he wants to do postgraduate study now. The course won't start until 07/09 and he may do it for 2 yrs!!! In fact I am sure he would choose a 2yr course to spite me....but then there will probably be something else. I encouraged us to renovate a 3 bedroom house (which we have recently completed) and that is his fodder for why we don't have the money now, and meanwhile I see mothers with less stable situations very happy with children....I am starting to feel that they gloating at me. Their lives are complete and mine is barren.
I work 5 days a week on a good salary with maternity leave while my husband works 3 days a week! Is there a part of the marriage contract that is legally binding regarding having children?
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I am so glad I found this post. I thought I was alone - everyone keeps telling me I am young and shouldn't worry about babies just yet. But it's nice to see women younger than me struggling with the urge to be a mother.
I am 27 and my husband is 32. We were married Sept 08 but have been together since 1999. I am ready to have a baby now, but MH think's we should wait another 2 years. We have quite a bit of debt (credit cards, student loan, car loans, and two mortgages) that needs to be better managed before kids. I totally get this - and mostly agree; but the maternal side of me says, "why wait? Are you ever really ready??" And I know it's more about being better prepared, not ready. But still, I feel like I was made to be a mother, and another 2 years seems like a lifetime away, especially since MH is older. Sigh...
I am 27 and my husband is 32. We were married Sept 08 but have been together since 1999. I am ready to have a baby now, but MH think's we should wait another 2 years. We have quite a bit of debt (credit cards, student loan, car loans, and two mortgages) that needs to be better managed before kids. I totally get this - and mostly agree; but the maternal side of me says, "why wait? Are you ever really ready??" And I know it's more about being better prepared, not ready. But still, I feel like I was made to be a mother, and another 2 years seems like a lifetime away, especially since MH is older. Sigh...
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Hey everyone...I am a recently married ( 11/22/08 )<--Yay! Army wife. My husband is wonderful. He has served two 15 month tours in Iraq and is facing a stop-loss to Afghanistan within the coming months. I know we haven't been married very long, but if we're all being honest this post a baby may be the only thing I have left of him someday. I'm terrified to let him know that's part of the reason I want to at least start trying to have a baby. The only reason he can give me is that he "just doesn't want kids right know". I mean, when are you EVER going to be ready?! Most of the time I pray that he just either understands my feelings or "forgets" about using protection. I know...HORRIBLE. But I'm not getting any younger. Yes, I'm only 25, but I've wanted kids for a long time.
I suppose I'm just as lost as the rest of you are...here's to hoping (or praying if you prefer) that we all find an answer one of these days. Hopefully we can keep each other sane in the quest for feeling complete.
Take care all...
I suppose I'm just as lost as the rest of you are...here's to hoping (or praying if you prefer) that we all find an answer one of these days. Hopefully we can keep each other sane in the quest for feeling complete.
Take care all...
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I totally get what you're saying Snav about having children being a binding part of marriage. I mean I totally get it if you both decided you didn't want them but to talk about it tons and then for one partner to blow your agreement off forever is ridiculous. I'm not worried about the clock ticking, I just feel there is something missing in my heart. I just found out that my two sister's-in-law are both pregnant. whoopee. When my family members told me I had to choke back tears. It makes me feel like i got duped into thinking my husband wanted us to have a family but really all he wants to do is focus on his life and what HIS future holds. I'm so sick of it too. I'm sick of having to hold us together while I work like crazy and then feel like I just have to submit to the head of the household because in the end men hold the power in most relationships. it's easy for them to just say "nah, i dont feel like it". ugh. im bitter, i know. goodnight.
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Chelsea - I know what you mean about men holding power. They think we hold the power - which in some ways is true. I mean, we get pregnant and we have the baby, so it's ultimately up to us. Honestly, we could "forget" birth control and have oops babies (pending no infertility). But, when you are married / commited and in love you want / need your partner to be 100% on board with TTC. I know I don't want to have a baby if I am the only one excited and looking forward to it. And you don't want YH to resent the child in anyway. So, in that sense, the husband does hold the power - and that fact makes it hard not to be upset about it.
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I know what you all mean and like others I thought I was the only one. My husband and I have been together for 5 1/2 years married for only 4 months. I am 25 he is 32.
My Husband has said for the last few months that he would like to wait 5 years before having children (making him the grandpa age of 37 - 38 when our first child is born), but during an argument the other night he said that he was thinking about stopping contraception in about 6 months time (however now it is a subject that is not allowed to be spoken about).
My Husband refuses to talk about it and when i bring up the topic of kids he either changes it very quickly or just says one day.
We have always spoken of children but it feels as though he just keeps changing the goal posts.
I guess all I want from him (and wont get) is a plan.
My Husband has said for the last few months that he would like to wait 5 years before having children (making him the grandpa age of 37 - 38 when our first child is born), but during an argument the other night he said that he was thinking about stopping contraception in about 6 months time (however now it is a subject that is not allowed to be spoken about).
My Husband refuses to talk about it and when i bring up the topic of kids he either changes it very quickly or just says one day.
We have always spoken of children but it feels as though he just keeps changing the goal posts.
I guess all I want from him (and wont get) is a plan.
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