What role does criticizing your children play in your overall parenting approach? Some parents take the idea that they are there to point out what their kids simply need to do better for granted and believe that's what parents are there for, while others adopt a more unusual approach and aim to resolve all problems through a consensus, equating criticism with force. Before these two extremes and the many shades of gray in between disagree vehemently, re-examining what criticism really means and how you can use it effectively may be interesting.

What Is Criticism?
Hear the word "criticism", and chances are that you'll immediately imagine a scenario where one person tells another what they're doing wrong — often in a not-so-subtle way. The fact is that criticism is a multi-faceted experience for both or all parties, however.
Google's very own dictionary defines criticism as "the expression of disapproval of someone or something on the basis of perceived faults or mistakes", or alternately "the analysis and judgement of the merits and faults of a literary or artistic work". Proposed synonyms for the first definition include reproval, condemnation, fault-finding, carping, and (oddly) censure.
An article that appeared on Psychology Today just recently had some thought-provoking points. "Criticism fails because it embodies two of the things that human beings hate the most," the author wrote, going on to say that "it calls for submission, and we hate to submit," and "it devalues, and we hate to feel devalued".
There's no doubting that many people experience criticism that way. The question is, why? Is the problem that we tend to have too narrow an understanding of the word itself, or that we don't like to be called out on anything we did wrong or could do better? I suspect the first. We tend to think of "criticism" as "scolding", and not just in a parenting context. Yet, it is usually actually possible to point out what people, including your children, can do better or need to stop doing without making them feel like they are forced to submit and aren't valued for who they are. It may take practice, but it's possible.
See Also: How Active Play Can Boost Young Brains
If we adopt "parental guidance" as a definition of criticism, most parents will suddenly agree that it's an integral part of their job description of helping their young people to grow up into responsible and hopefully happy adults. The question of what types of correctional guidance work and which ones tend to be unproductive still remains. Let's examine that next. Before we do, I thought I should point out that there are more than two choices – we are not deciding between praising everything our kids do and being an overly critical parent fond of yelling. Of course we're going to want to get our kids to stop doing some things while stopping others. The question is, how do we do that in a way that works for both parents and children?
Parental Guidance: Employing Criticism That Works
How Do You Cope With Criticism?
Many, many, adults experience genuine difficulties when it comes to accepting criticism — though just as many have no trouble with providing it. Being criticized by your boss at work is especially daunting to many, and the power balance between bosses and employees is in some ways quite like the parent-child relationship.

Common advice given to employees criticized by managers or supervisors is:
- Take a deep breath, and think things through before replying. Examine whether the criticism is warranted.
- If warranted, think of the criticism as an opportunity for personal and professional growth.
- Do not take it personally and do not become defensive.
- Set up a situation in which your progress can be monitored in the form of periodical feedback. Be proactive about improving.
Why are there so many texts on the internet that deal with the question of how to handle criticism from your boss? Not just because being criticized by someone who holds a degree of power over you can be intimidating, but also because criticism has the potential to hurt the ego really quickly. If so many adults need to tell themselves not to take it personally, how much harder might it be for kids? The prefrontal cortex of the brain deals with personality expression, decision-making, social behavior and complex cognitive behavior. It does not mature until after a person is in their twenties, and is especially immature in young children.
The bottom line is that if accepting direct, blunt criticism is tricky for you, it's a monumental task for your elementary-aged children.
Because Good Parenting Isn't An Algorithm...
There is no one right way to parent. To start with, we're all different, as are our kids. So you won't find any tips on "the right way to criticize" here; rather, I'm hoping this short piece might kick-start a thought process that can help you analyze how you feel about the concept of helping your kids be the best people they can be. (Yes, that was meant to be one way to define "criticism".) Nobody is perfect, and nobody can be perfect. Therefore, giving your kids only praise throughout your parenting gig is pretty darn unlikely.
I spoke to a bunch of parents about the best way to approach criticism. Some preferred the actual word criticism, while others shared they avoid that word in favor of terms like "gentle guidance" or "constructive feedback". Here are some soundbites you might like to mull over:
- "Who cares if nobody likes to be criticized? It still needs to be done."
- "I think criticism has a place as long as the relationship is mainly positive, the criticism is made to address a real problem constructively rather than just venting, and the parent is willing to apologize unequivocally when they make mistakes themselves."
- "Critique should not belittle a child."
- "Remember the 'five positives for every negative' advice."
- "I do not criticize my kids: I correct, guide, and redirect. What's the difference? No devaluing."
- "Whenever I find myself being very critical, I go back and reexamine my own emotional state. That usually helps me return to a more positive mindset, after apologizing."
- "When I have to tell my kids something I know they won't want to hear, I tell them it's about their behavior and not their personality. Everyone makes mistakes, and the fact that my kids do too does not make me love them less."
- "I avoid 'you' statements and simply describe the problem in a matter-of-fact manner."
- "I am critical and not good at giving feedback. This is something I need to work on."
- "Everyone has flaws and everyone is still valuable. I try to get this across. Making mistakes does not devalue the person. Feedback should inspire the person, not make them cry."
See Also: Spanking Makes Kids Violent And Poorly Behaved
There might be some underlying tips that can benefit every parent, however. If there are, they may look something like this:
- Stay true to yourself while giving the child the chance to be themselves as well.
- Ask yourself whether your feedback will improve the situation at hand, or make it worse. If the latter, figure out how to phrase your criticism constructively before you offer it. In other words, think before you speak.
- Talk about your approach with your children and your partner. Find out what forms of criticism the child finds helpful, and which phrases make them feel sad or angry.
- Tone matters.
- Photo courtesy of Stevendepolo via Flickr: www.flickr.com/photos/stevendepolo/4605621230
- Photo courtesy of left-hand via Flickr: www.flickr.com/photos/left-hand/4122009797
Your thoughts on this