I'm Dating Someone With Epilepsy: What Should I Know?

"Should I marry someone with seizures (aka epilepsy)? ... I just want to inform myself about this, so that I understand what this means to live with an epileptic," a person on Quora asked. Another posed this question: "She told me that she has epilepsy, now the thing is should I ask her out? I am looking to possibly marry her in future, but I am in two minds thinking that on one hand I find her interesting and smart but on the other hand I am afraid of marrying a girl who has epilepsy." 

Elsewhere on the web, a man with epilepsy asked: "Would you date someone who has seizures, but doesn't look like he/she has anything mentally wrong." Among the answers he got was: "Been there and done that, she had to take too many drugs to be normal."

Is Epilepsy Really That Scary?

Nearly everyone has at least heard of epilepsy, one of the most frequently-occurring serious neurological disorders out there. That is no surprise, given that more than 50 million people all over the globe are affected, and as many as two million in the US. Shockingly, as many as one in 26 people will develop epilepsy over the course of their lifetime. 

With the advance of modern medicine, it has become possible to identify specific types of epilepsy and to treat them very successfully. With timely and appropriate treatment, whether surgery or medication, around 70 percent of all patients can achieve seizure remission and live full lives in which epilepsy doesn't play a main role.

Medicine may have taken enormous strides but society, as always, has lagged behind a little. On a worldwide scale, people with epilepsy are subjected to discrimination that results in the legal inability to drive, that affects employment opportunities, and that leads to social shunning. Dating is another area that can take a hit. 

READ Epilepsy: Seizures when sleeping

Not everyone who has fallen in love with someone who has epilepsy has the same initially cautious response seen in the quotes above. For Tim, who's wife is an epileptic, receiving this information was no big deal at all. "I knew Chris had epilepsy from the moment I met her. I didn't care," he says. It was only when he saw her have a seizure for the first time that the message really sank in. Suddenly, Tim realized that Chris; epilepsy was more than a label, and rather, something that could put her in danger. They now have three children, and Tim admits that he often found himself wondering if his wife was OK in those early years. "Over the years, however, epilepsy found a place within our marriage and it is only a very minor place." 

So, You're Dating Someone With Epilepsy?

So, you're dating someone with epilepsy and you're wondering what you can expect from the future? What can you do to inform yourself about what's ahead?

Informing Yourself

When you are dating someone with epilepsy, you will be eager to find out as much as possible about the disorder. Idiopathic, cryptogenic, symptomatic, generalized, focal, or partial — when it comes to epilepsy, you'll encounter many confusing terms. Idiopathic means the cause is unknown, while cryptogenic means no cause has been identified yet but it likely can be, and symptomatic means a cause has been pinpointed. Generalized seizures involve the whole brain, with partial and focal seizures originating in a specific part of the brain. 

Long-term complications of epilepsy can include injuries, such as from falls, car accidents, or drowning, complications of surgery, complications during pregnancy, and in some cases even permanent brain damage. These are scary things — nobody wants to see their partner get hurt. 

Remember: your partner is the expert on their own body and the type of epilepsy they have. Rather than turning to the web for general information about what living with epilepsy is like, it is best to ask your partner questions about how their life is affected by the condition. Open and honest conversation about epilepsy and your feelings surrounding it is key during the early stages of a relationship.

Shifting Roles

If your partner regularly experiences seizures, you may find yourself being a carer on occasion. You may find yourself switching role continuously, going from partner to carer and back again, and this can take its emotional toll on both of you. While carers can play a hugely important role in the life of someone with epilepsy, it is important to reflect on the way in which these changing roles affect you as a partner. Finding the right balance is important — while it's great to have someone around who can look out for you when you are having a seizure, do resume the role of partner as soon as that need has passed and make sure you're not permanently stuck in a carer position. We all want equal partners, not parents!

At the same time, you'll want to admit that being an occasional carer to your partner may influence your own mental health. Don't forget to look after your own physical and emotional needs, and be honest with yourself about what you can and cannot handle. 

In The Bedroom

Thinking or talking about epilepsy in the context of sexuality may be somewhat difficult, but research shows that many people with epilepsy and their partners are worried about seizures during intimacy. These worries can impact your sex life. Additionally, some seizure medication affects libido. A couple's sex life is an important component of their relationships, so discussing these issues together is important. Epileptics should also feel free to bring a lowered libido as the result of a particular medication up with their treating neurologist, as other options may be available. 

READ Snail Venom Could Help Treat Epilepsy And Depression

In Conclusion...

Epilepsy affects the everyday life of a couple in various ways, from worries about immediate safety to the aforementioned shifting roles, and the potential need to adjust short- and long-term plans. While it is understandable that new or potential partners of people with epilepsy have some worries, which they need to tackle head-on, it's also important to make sure that epilepsy doesn't take the relationship over.