Pregnancy And Infant Loss Month: A Time For Commemoration

"You can always try again."

"Something must have been wrong with it."

"It's all part of God's plan."

"Better luck next time."

To the people who said these things to me, my second-trimester miscarriage was an event that should be brushed off and moved on from as soon as possible; something that was worth nothing more than a cliché comment. To me, it was the loss of a baby I would never get to know. It was the loss of hopes and dreams. After several previous miscarriages, it was also yet another confirmation there was something wrong with my body and I was starting to fear I would never be a mother.  

Infant Loss Month: Your Right To Remember

Grief is a strange animal that makes people do strange things; things like pushing themselves into a deep denial so they can carry on with life, or surrendering themselves to the pain so completely they don't know how they'll ever reach that "new normal" people talk about. If you're dealing with fresh grief now or have in the past, you also know that other people can react to your grief really awkwardly. Perhaps they genuinely want to be there for you, but are afraid of your pain and simply avoid you. Perhaps they make inappropriate and tremendously hurtful comments that make you want to avoid them.

Unfortunately, it all to frequently isn't. Another comment joined the ones listed above after my second-trimester miscarriage, and it's this one that hurt most: "Are you still not over that?" That question was asked a few months after my miscarriage, and the answer was a definite no — something that was completely normal! There is no expiry date on grief, after all.

More than a decade on, I am no longer grieving. I do remember the babies I lost occasionally. Looking at my children, the children I had after my miscarriages, I wonder if the babies I lost would have looked similar, what their talents and interests would have been, and if my children would have enjoyed having older siblings. I've given my lost babies a place in my heart, and I'm grateful that I was able to share the grief I felt at the time with my husband and good friends. 

Suffering repeated miscarriages was a Big Deal at that point in my life. Unfortunately, my experience isn't rare at all. It's October. If you're familiar with awareness events, you'll definitely know it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer, and that's a scary number. Breast cancer needs all the awareness it can get. Breast Cancer Awareness Month isn't the only awareness event going on in October, though. 

Back in October 1988, US President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October to be National Pregnancy And Infant Loss Month. One in four mothers will have a miscarriage or will lose a child before age one, a figure that makes it clear that this awareness month is very much needed. No matter what you think of Reagan, he offered loss moms and dads a focal point. 

What can you do to honor your babies this month? The October 15th organization is encouraging everyone affected by pregnancy and infant loss to light candles at 7 pm on October 15th, regardless of the time zone you're in. This will symbolically send a wave of light across the globe in  of our babies. This month also offers, additionally, the chance to commemorate your babies in whichever way feels right to you: talk about them, look at their pictures and mementos, place something that honors them in a visible spot in your home, donate to charity in their honor, or whatever else you want to do. 

See Also: Miscarriage: Symptoms, Diagnosis, Treatment And Aftercare

Grieving Now?

Is your loss still fresh, and are you still in the middle of your grieving period? The fact that it is Pregnancy And Infant Loss Month may just remind you that you are a grieving parent, rather than someone looking forward to the future with a baby in your arms, and for that I am so sorry.

From experience, I would like to offer you these words. Please, feel free to grieve. Let the pain in and invite it to stick around however long it needs to. Pray, light candles, meditate, talk with supportive friends, journal, and just cry. Don't let anyone else tell you how long it is normal to grieve for, and when you should start feeling better. Ignore those who aren't supportive as much as you can, and do not deny you are feeling the way you are feeling. Also, on the other hand, feel free to live. Feel free to laugh, and to enjoy the aspects of life you enjoy without feeling guilty.