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Hi. Well I don't know where to start from. I'm here because I want to help anyone with any questions they have concerning abortion. I won't judge you, I really just want to help someone in making a decision, or even if you already had the procedure done and have questions I'm here I've been through it. If you need someone I'm here you should never feel alone in this topic its very sensitive. I hope no one judges me for having one. I always say you wouldn't know until its happened to you.

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Hi diediemydarling,

I think its good to talk to someone if you dont have anyone to talk too about the decision you have or have not made. I had an abortion in september, im still awaiting my councilling date. Although i do feel a little better, i do know that i need to talk to someone other than my mother or best friend, someone who just doesnt know me. I hate waiting, but ive been told it can be a long wait. And me and my boyfriend, we just havnt spoken about it, partly because he just doesnt know what to say to me, and i think he thinks whats the point in talking about it, when we both felt it was the right decision to make. Its hard, he just thinks if i do begin to talk about it, he blames himself for what ive been through, when thats not what im talking about in the first place, all i want is support for what ive been through, and the after effects. Everytime i just feel like its been turned around, when its not what im feeling in the first place, cant seem to get it through to him :( kind of given up trying now, and just dont bother talking about it. 

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Hello, shining_stars.

I believe so too. I've never been to councilling, I've never talked about my abortion passed my boyfriend. I actually had the exact same problem with him, he didn't go with me when I got it done almost two years ago. When I told him everything I went through he said nothing to me, and just like you I needed support too.I went without talking about it for months and when I did bring it up he'd actually get annoyed of me he once told me "get over it already!" and I think everyone knows its not that easy so when he said that so I got so emotional and spilled my guts out to him and he realized what he said was wrong. It took a year and a few months to get through to him and he finally gave me some support he use to blame himself too all I did was keep reassuring him that it wasn't till he believed me. What I'm trying to say is don't give up on trying to talk to him about it tell him what you really feel tell him all you need is support. Im sure you'll get through to him eventually.
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Thanks for your quick reply, it feels good to know someone is here i can chat too about this.

Im glad in the end your boyfriend finally spoke to you about your experience, i just hope mine does finally. Its very hard to talk to him about it, because he instantly feels blame and thinks its all his fault for being a rubbish boyfriend. I know he has low self esteem, but to be honest theirs only so much support and reassurance i can give him, to tell him it was both our faults we were in that situation(even tho we used protection). I dont really want to talk to my mum about it cause she has enough on her plate with her own health and my friend, she is their for me but im just so tired of saying what i said, what he said, what i said, what he said, it just tires me out. Its really hard to talk to my bf, as we are in a long distant relationship also, so when we do see each other its not exactly the best thing to talk about if i did want to bring it up, as we hardly see each other. I do feel though that we dont talk as much as we use too, via text. But maybe thats just me being paranoid, because of this constant feeling ive got?

Whats the worst thing about this is, that my bf has said to me he never wants children. When i met him he was undecided, but from the experience that we've been through, its now made his mind up. I just dont even know what to think :(
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You're welcome! That's what I'm here for.

I think the blame himself thing is what you have to get past for him to give you support. You should talk about the topic no matter how hard it is. I know what not seeing him as often feels like. My boyfriend and I live close but we barely see each other due to my parents and no money to go out together so we just text each other too. So since you guys are together right now you'll have to touch the subject at some point.

Do you want children?
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Thats a hard question to answer, i think about 80% of me does want a child. When i first met my bf, over 2 years ago i said to him that i wanted at least one child, he was unsure then but said he may change his mind.

But when i fell pregnant i knew for me then, i wouldnt of been able to support a child, my income isnt that great as i work only part time hours and the fact he's far away, it wouldnt of been ideal.

So now i feel like im in a c**p position, whether to stay with the man i love, and to know im not going to have a child with him, or to just go my own way, when thats what i really do not want. I hate feeling like this, i often think to myself if i kept my child, i wonder what he would of done, but then theirs no way that i wanted to ever put him in that situation, it wouldnt of been fair on him or the child.
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Does he know that you do want a baby? I know he told you he doesn't want children but his mind could still be changed throughout time. How are you so sure you won't have children with him? But if you really feel like going your own way is the best for you then try it out and see how it goes. Don't torture yourself with those what if questions you have.
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I think he knows deep down that i do want one child, and when i told him i was pregnant he was shocked and didnt really know what to do or say. Then when he said to me that he has definately made his mind up, due to what we've been through, it did hurt me. His words were "If i find the right girl, i may change my mind", when he first met me. For someone to tell me he loves me, and is willing to move in with me to live together, and then to say no i dont want children ever, hurts me. Because it feels like he said that at the start of the relationship as a promise, to keep me, or was it the truth? Am i not the right person? Or was it all a lie. Now i feel like im going off topic to what the discussion is about. But i dont really have anyone to talk too about this. Do you have a private email? Its fine if you dont, i understand. I dont want to go my own seperate way with him thats the thing, i really do love him. He makes me laugh, he's kind and people have said oh you really suit each other. But no one knows what he wants out of life, except me.

:(
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Shining star, I just have a ? for you... how old is your bf? age does play a factor into wanting/not wanting children for men. I don't mean to get false hope for you... because there are other factors, their childhood, their lifestyle, their maturity level. I was actually right raged when i read the.. if i find the right girl i may change my mind... i sure hope he said this at the BEGINNING of the relationship. things are hard if you two are separated by space. as for having to wait for a counsellor... isn't there even an 800 number some kind of hotline for you to cool and just get your feelings out? even if its not specific to abortion, even depression... they may have a few tricks up their sleeves. I have not partaken in an abortion, but i was there for several friends who have decided to do so. a loss is a loss, no matter what the situation was. I suffered from a loss when my son passed away from sids very young. All the emotions I went through, my friends did too with the abortion. they still suffer from a lot of *what ifs* and its something that will live with u forever, even after u have had other children or not. there is always that what if? I went through it with my friends... they go and act like hey if i had kept that baby he would be this old and in school. Then I remind them, if u had did keep that baby, you would not have found your husband and have your children and family that u do now, you would not have finished school and got your degree by now, i understand it hurts to think (what if) but try to look at both the positive and negative sides to each what if that way you still can feel good about yourself as a person. I hope the best for you
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Hi sweetness, thanks for your reply.

My boyfriend is 30 years old. He said if he found the right girl he may change his mind at the beginning of our relationship, deep down this did make me smile because i thought their was a hope. But now, he's said to me theirs no way that he does want a child, many of his friends/family know this, but i think they think he isnt being so serious. But if he's said it to me, then im aware he's being 100% serious. It's very hard to know what to do, i'd like to think one day he will change his mind, but he's said often to me that he never wants children, he doesnt "like" babies, and he's more happy to continue his life with his interests etc. When he said to me he definately doesnt want children, i was taken back, this was just before i had my medical abortion. I did feel so torn, even though i know i made my decision for ME, a part of me deep down thinks, im never going to now have any children in my life, because i dont want to loose him? Im just so confused. He has said to me that i must think he's selfish, for not wanting children in his life, but he said its just the way he feels. I cant compete with that, and i dont want to ever trap him, im just not that kind of person. So he's told me he's selfish, but he's never said to me.."so where do we go from here" theirs never been that question, i dont know if he's waiting for me to bring it up? As he must of felt/thought it, after saying all that to me. But how do i even start to talk about that to him, when im still in this low place, i know i am depressed, a day has not gone by that i dont think about what has happened to me. For him, he's never expressed any emotion of whats happened, well the only emotion he has said to me was that he thought i was pushing him away during the procedure, but then thats a whole different story which im not gonna bring up.

The nurse did give me a number to call, on the day i had the procedure done. But i just dont know, i prefer to see someone face to face, maybe i'll just wait for my appointment date to come through. Hopefully i'll feel stronger then.

Im so sorry to hear about your loss, i cant imagine how that would feel. How do you cope? Such a hard question, im sorry.
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I was able to cope because I had a daughter 13 months before I had him. She saved my life! I still think of him quite often and tear up. But after a loss like we have suffered u never fully get over it.
For your situation, him not wanting a child i see it two ways. If he really loves you, and knows how bad you want it and discuss it further.
But then maybe he has a very good reason why, and if you truly love him you would be understanding of this and decide maybe a puppy is the way to go.
HOWEVER, I am not saying that if you love him, u have to give up your dream.
You have a desire to be a mother. It comes down to why he doesn't want a child vs why you do want one. Are you able to be fully happy with him with no children? Right now, you certainly don't sound happy.
So I guess the next step is to ask you why? why doesn't he want a child? It may be a damn good reason.... then again, it may be selfish...
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You know whats weird? We even spoke about having a dog, and he said no. I guess its not funny, its serious what we're talking about but still, he's quite a well strong person, when his mind is made up i guess no one will change it.
I dont really know the actual reason as to why he doesnt want one, all he's ever said to me is "its just not for me, im not cut out to be a father, i dont like babies and they dont like me". Well, how does he know all of this if he's never experienced being a father? I do know his childhood with his father was not good, but im not going to bring that up. But i guess this could possibly be a cause as to why he may feel he's not good enough to be one, but he brushes it off with saying he just doesnt ever want a child, its not his thing. Some people i guess dont need a real reason? But for me i think i do, i do want to ask him and get out the reason as to why he doesnt, i think i deserve a reason as to why he's changed his mind and its a def no no. But its the timing, when is it ever a good enough time to sit down and talk, it never is? Partly cause we hardly see each other due to distance, so when we do see each other i want it to be good, like it always is. But i know if i bring up the convo, i just dont know how its going to pan out. He just claims he's a selfish person at the end of the day, but it just doesnt add up to why he changed his mind to a maybe, to now a def no no.

I dont know if he understands how this has made me feel either, everythings so complicated. We dont even talk about the abortion, when i told him about myself getting councilling he didnt expect me to say depression, then he automatically assumed its his fault for the way im feeling. Argh! Feel like im going around in circles :(

Thank you for your msg's, it has made me think.
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I have a question...this is d 1st time i got pregnant na i want abort this child...bt doctor suggested that don't do it otherwise you won't get pregnant again... It is so??? I m sacred i don't knw what to do pls hlp me
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You can get pregnant again. I don't know why the doctor would tell you that. Most likely to stop you from getting it, but you can get pregnant again.
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