I'm 19, my boyfriend is 27 and his ex-girlfriend is 37. She was living with him (for about a year, I think), cheated on him with someone half her age, then left him at least a month later. This was 2 years ago. We've known each other for almost 5 monthes now, been together for almost 4.
We have a good relationship, I really like and care about him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about me. He's always wanting to hang out, hold hands when we're driving around/watching movies/etc, always trying to pay for everything when we go out, he's a real gentleman and he makes me happy. Except for the fact that he talks to his ex. And I think it's a lot.
He texts her and is friends with her on facebook; I'm not sure how often they text or what they text about (I've tried to read his texts to/from her on his phone a couple times but his memory is pretty full & it always says something like "There isn't enough memory, please free space!") but I know it's multiple times a week because once he was complaining about how she usually replies to texts with only one word & said that he hadn't texted her in a "while" since the last time. I asked how long a "while" was and he said "about 5 days". I'm a bit antisocial, so I'm not sure about other people, but I don't consider 5 days to be a "while", I would consider 2 weeks to be that. So my guess is that he considers 2 or 3 days to be "not a while".
He's said that he's spoken to 2 girls in the last year before he met me, both times as soon as his ex found out, she started acting all interested in him again, making him choose between her & the other girl. He said he chose her both times, ruining any chance with the other girls, and as soon as that happened, his ex stopped acting interested in him again. This is part of what makes me uncomfortable & nervous.
Twice I've asked him, "If she cheated on you and treated you so bad, why do you still talk to her? Why not just cut all ties?" When I asked this, both times he went silent for a few seconds, then very quietly said, "Because she's still a good person" without looking at me. This is the other part that makes me nervous.
I can understand ex's being friends after they break up, but I seriously doubt that you could be friends with someone who cheated on you & treated you like a doormat. I kind of want to push the issue, but more than that I don't want to push him away by seeming controlling and overly-jealous.
Advice? Has anyone else gone through something like this and want to share how it turned out? Am I just being jealously paranoid, or are my concerns legit?
Your boyfriend seems to be still hanging on to his last girlfriend. Not wanting to shatter your dreams or anything, but he seems - to me at least - like a lost case. If after two years he is still running after her and talking to her on a regular basis even after all she did to him? Maybe he was hopelessly in love with her. I wouldn't bet my chances. Maybe you should confront him, see how that goes. I never was in your shoes, so I can't really relate to what I would do, maybe I'd just dump him? IDK. But the point is, in my book, this can't go on. I'm not saying you have to give him an ultimatum, but some ground rools would be alright. And then you can see what he ultimately chooses. Being with you or running after his old girlfriend. It may hurt in the end, but being in that kind of long-term relationship isn't helthy either.
Good luck! And I hope I could help.
I personally wouldn't play that game...at all. It's bad enough that they are still in communication, but what make's it worse is that he won't even tell you what they discuss. She is the type that drop's a relationship and once she see's that her X is trying to move on, she step's in again and start's to destroy a relationship in progress, then once she get's what she want's, she dump's him again. Now the damage has been done and she leaves a trail of broken heart's and a ton of question's.
Contrary to the above poster, again this is only my opinion, i would give him an ultimatum, absolutly!! It sound's like they both want their cake as well as be able to eat it. It's not fair for you and he sound's like he is on the fence with both of. He say's "she is a good person"...no she isn't. Good people would graciously step out of the way and let their x's move on. If she was a good person, she would want him to be happy with someone new. She is a manipulator and is trying to wedge in between you and him, she is creeping on your man for sure.
But....your boyfriend is to blame as well, he is not guilt free either. He need's to cut the teenage texting with her and concentrate on your relationship, that is what's important right now. By him texting her, he is encouraging her to play the game. She know's what she is doing and so does he. You have to tell him which end is up and make it crystal clear. Your relationship is young and you don't have hardly any time invested in him, so i would lay it on the line once and for all. If he get's pissed and leave's you, that was probably what he was intending to do anyway.