Couldn't find what you looking for?

TRY OUR SEARCH!

My daughter and I were forced to move out of a home and neighborhood we were use to.
We moved in with my fianc'e at the time. He was and still is like a father to my 16 year-old daughter.

He has been in her life since she was 2. After moving in with him, my daughter got use to her new school and friend's-I was so happy and proud of her dealing with the new change for both of us. Unfortuantley, I was not dealing with the change with the same success:-(  I became sad, depressed and distant to my familly. I was dealing with the recent loss of my father and problems with a familly member dealing with an estate. After a few months living with my fiance. I came into some money. I decided to move out and go back to my old neighborhood. My daughter did not want to move again. I told her to stay there if she wanted to and I did move.
           I was beeing dishonest with her and my fiance'. I was loosing intrest and love for my fianc'e. After I moved to my old neighborhood,few months later I got into a new relationship and sudenlly broke it off with my fiance'. I hurt him and my daughter. I was still seeing my daughter but I saw she was not wanting to see me as often. Did I leave my daughter? Did I choose this new man over her? I tell her all the time she can move in with me if she want's. Am I a bad mother? I wanted to make myself happy for once in my life do what I wanted to do-and in the process, hurt the most important person in my life-my daughter.
            I'm having a hard time dealing with all that has occured.

Loading...

No, you're not a bad mother.  I think the fact that you're concerned about how you have treated your daughter and ex-fiance, and how sorry you are that they got hurt, is a positive thing.

I think sitting down with your daughter and having a conversation with her is very important.  Tell her how you were feeling at the time.  Tell her the reasons why you did what you did.  Tell her how sorry you are for any pain you have caused and what you want to do about it.  Invite her to share her feelings.

Throughout the conversation, be sure to use I statements such as "I think..." and "I feel..."  This will help the other person feel more understood and less defensive.  If she does get defensive and angry, be prepared for that.  Breathe through it.  Don't get defensive yourself.  You can show that you are listening and that you understand by nodding your head, making eye contact, and not crossing your arms.  Validate what she says by saying, "I see," "Mmm-hmm," etc.

If you want further preparation and instruction, I suggest you get the book "Why Marriages Succeed for Fail," by John Gottman.  He gives great communication tips that will help in any relationship, not just marriage.

I think you should also take care of the guilt you have.  It's not just appropriate to forgive ourselves, it's necessary if we want to be content with ourselves.  There's no point in holding on to punishment and pain of the past.  Learn from the mistake and move on.

I suggest you say "I love and approve of myself" and "I forgive myself" every day, hundreds of times a day (throughout the day, out loud and in your head), for at least three weeks.  If it feels awkward, it's only because you're saying something that doesn't ring true yet.  Give it time; you'll come to believe them.

Best of luck!
Reply

Loading...