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Hi,

About 3 weeks ago I went out drinking with friends. It's normal for me to have a few drinks on the Friday or Saturday. It wasn't loads, maybe 4-5 pints. When I woke up on the Saturday, I had severe anxiety. My left arm at the top hurt and my heart was beating really hard. I usually work on my business at the weekend, but couldn't do anything due to the feeling.

I have had this feeling before, but not nearly as badly as then. I then went out on the Saturday, vowing not to drink too much. I didn't drink loads, maybe 5 glasses of wine, but woke up in a similar state, after not sleeping well at all.

Over the coming three weeks up until now, I have experienced sleepless nights, heart racing, negative thoughts that make my emotion almost fall into my stomach if that makes sense - preventing me from sleeping. In fact I can be very relaxed in my body, but my emotions and mind are on overload. I have also been gagging in the morning as I feel sick.

Some nights I have slept for less then an hour, but most nights I sleep until 5:30 and then cannot get back to sleep, even though I am shattered. I have not slept all the way through since that night.

I have felt anxious before and not slept, but never like this and never so prolonged. I have also started to feel very depressed in the morning when I wake up, which doesn't subside for a lot of the day.

After reading on the internet, I am worried I have developed and anxiety disorder, maybe Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I have always been a very optimistic person, so this is very out of character and although I probably worry more then the average joe, it is about fairly concrete things, such as financial matters.

To give a bit more background - I have been working at a place that is quite frankly awful. I have never in my life felt so worthless as I do there. My old boss hates me because she used to bully me and I brought the matter up with the director - they are very pally. Because of this, I went into defensive mode and colleagues started to say they disliked me - only a couple, but its a horrible feeling.

I have been working hard, creating a business over the last 12 months. The business is video production, which I have never done before, but lucky after spending a fortune to buy all the equipment on credit cards, I have found that I am good at it and have started to win some great contracts. This is what has seen me through my awful job and the breakup of my long term relationship.

I was so desperate to get out of that place, that I requested part time working so I could concentrate on my business, which was denied. So I booked all my holiday - one day a week (it was two days, but the director got pissed off that I was taking the piss as she had refused my part time working and I had to compromise). I have been working every night and weekends to make the business work and have been very knacked from it! I would sometimes have to sleep in my car for a few minutes before a meeting because I was so tired.

So now my holiday is running out. My director also now dislikes me. I have some great contracts on the books, but they are taking a long time to come off and me get the money in the bank and I have a huge amount of debt that I need to pay.

With all this going on and after a particularly bad day at the office, I phoned my old employer and asked if they had any part time jobs. They did and I have been accepted for a job there. All at the time when I am not sleeping, feeling anxious all day and depressed in the morning and finding it v.difficult to concentrate on my business. If I take the job, then I am very concerned that I will not have enough money coming in to cover my debts. I am also concerned that I will hate the job - I left for a reason and apparently it has got a lot worse.

On the flip side, I honestly don't think I can cope in this job any longer. I have taken 2 days sick to try and get perspective on the whole thing and decide whether I gamble it and go with the pt job or stick where I am and not cope or something else.

I think that everything has just mounted up and the pt job option was the preverbal straw that broke the camels back as it where. If I take it, I have the concerns mentioned above. If I don't, then I feel like I am still stuck in a job I hate and I won't get that opportunity to take the job again, plus with my holiday run out until Jan, not have enough time to concentrate on the business.

Also, because I feel so depressed and anxious, I have lost the will and confidence in my business in lots of ways. I have managed to convince myself that I cannot do it and am not creative.

I feel throughly stuck. If I do have this Generalised Anxiety Disorder, it says it gets worse with time, which is extremely worrying. Do I really want to put myself in a self employed position where I have lots more stress, especially as I haven't been doing it forever and although what I have produced so far was good, I have limited experience in the field. I also worry about being lonely running it on my own. I spoke with another video producer, who is very lonely and I don't want that to happen to me. Finally, if it all goes wrong and I need to get another job, I wonder if being self employed looks bad on your CV.

Having said all this - if I give up on my dream, I will always wonder what would have been and regret it i'm sure.

BTW - the anxiety usually comes in waves. Sometimes I can feel 70% the way I did before and then suddenly an onset will come, my heart will race, negative thoughts will come in my head and this will last several hours.

I am taking 5-HTP (a natural SSRI - antidepressant) and Rhodioa for the stress. This has helped me greatly, but the problems of anxiety and depression are still with me. Will I ever get better and back to my usual self I wonder!

It feels good to write this stuff down, therapy in a way. My friends and family have been absolutely fantastic and I am so lucky to have some amazing people around me. I realise the problem lies within, I'm just not sure yet how to get the perspective I need and wondered if anyone reading this might help me to do this.

My hope is that I can overcome this, learn a great deal and help others to do the same. But I look at a guy I know through a friend, who has become more and more depressed and anxious with time and I am fighting for that not to happen to me!

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Just go out enjoy life and have some good time with you near and dear ones this weekend. Think about the positive traits in your life and I'm sure that it would create some positivity in you. Try your hands at yoga, it is the best form of exercise that provides you mental peace, it would help you connect with your body, mind and soul. You are the only one and a unique personality and no one else can take your place.
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This is so strange, i felt the very exact same way after i woke up from drinking!! right up to the top of my left hand hurting! I also always had anxiety but also never this sevre. this stupid feeling wont go away but good to know i am not alone. i was always happy and very outgoing as well. hmm
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You are Dehydrated!! You must drink water!! Is your urine clear!!
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