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I was informally diagnosed by my previous therapist with borderline personality disorder. I have most if not all of the symptoms, and I did have a traumatic childhood. It has had a huge and horrible impact on me and my long term partner. My mood directly correlates with how our relationship is, and therefore I have been through both wonderful and unspeakably bad times. We are soulmates and I love him with all my heart. We have broken up a couple of times in the year and 9 months we have been dating. This caused me to go into severe depression and self harm to the point where I could not function. I would binge drink and cry all night. I need him to love me and always be with me to an extreme. I am always getting hurt for little things he does that most people would think nothing of. When I feel abandoned, I react with a whirlwind of hurt and anger. I become manipulative. I need control, always. When I feel like he does not care about me, I try to verbally lash out at him to get a reaction out of him so that I feel more in control. It is very hard for my boyfriend to believe I love him, especially when we are physically apart (he is going to college in Italy) because he takes my behavior as a sign that I do not care about his feelings. But I swear I absolutely love him to death, I just have a lot of problems. I tell him I just can't actively be loving unless I first feel loved myself, because otherwise I would feel vulnerable and it would hurt me tremendously. I am very fragile, but it is concentrated into my relationship with my current boyfriend. He was my first kiss, and he took my virginity when I took his, though I have been in relationships before. How can I become stronger and have a healthier relationship? Should I seek professional help? Is there anything my partner can do?

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From what I've read, it definitely sounds to me like you care about your partner a lot and if you want things between you two to function at any kind of normal level the best thing you can do is to seek professional help. You need to deal with your issues first so you would have a best part of yourself to bring into this relationship and the only way to bring the best in yourself is to deal with all the negative stuff. All your partner can do is to support you through this process of healing and to take part in the therapy together with you, if you two both want your relationship to last and not to break because of some silly small thing which you could not control.
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I was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago and my relationships have been affected more than any other area of my life. It sounds like you're doing better than me -- I have a tendency to cheat on my partners, which my last therapist attributed to my impulsive, self-destructive tendencies. So at least you aren't doing that.
The best thing you can do is explain to your partner what you're going through. If he doesn't know, then he can't understand and he can't support you through your recovery. Impress upon him that you are NOT using this to excuse your behavior, only to explain it. If you have an explanation then you have a solution. You've already made the first step towards recovery in admitting that you have a problem -- many borderlines can't face the fact that they aren't in control. And when you have BPD, you aren't in control, the disorder is. It's frightening and frustrating and the journey to a healthy psyche is never-ending. I've been struggling for three years to gain some semblance of normalcy in my life and, while I've succeeded in many areas, I always feel my "crazy" lurking just beneath the surface. Of course, I'm not in therapy or on meds. That may make the whole thing easier.
Bottom line: talk to your boyfriend and force yourself to be logical and calm through the whole conversation, no matter what he says. If you need to, take a break and call him back. Take up a hobby where you can vent your violent feelings naturally (running, cycling, kick-boxing, etc). And when you let your emotions get the best of you, apologize. Remember, you aren't a b***h -- your disorder is.
Good luck.
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Wow! I had no idea- I actually have cheated on him, many times, in the past, but thank god I've changed! Thank you for your advice; he actually is very supportive, but it's been eating away at him for a long time. I'll talk to him about it now!
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Thank you for the reply! I am trying to push away my destructive feelings so I hurt him less.
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