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My boyfriend and I met in college and have been together for 2 1/2 years now. I have always seen a future with him and his job aspirations had always been firefighting and owning his own business, until just recently. The last two months he has been seeing different recruiters and told me he is pretty positive he is going to join the navy or airforce. I was completely shocked, mad and heartbroken that he just sprung this up on me. I have NEVER wanted to live that sort of lifestyle and still don't, but I am so confused on what to do. He didn't give me a warning that this was what he wanted to do with his life and had he told me this sooner I probably wouldn't be where I am at today. We have lived together for a while too, our relationship is pretty serious which is why this is so confusing for me. i have read a lot of internet discussions about similar topics, but wanted to put my own situation out there to see what people had to say.

 

I dont want to be in a relationship and be apart form each other for months at a time. I don't want to be a single parent (if i ever decided to have kids). And I am almost graduated form college in hopes of pursuing an awesome job that I would love, but if I chose to live a military life, it seems i would never have a stable job. My whole life has flipped around. He thinks I am being really selfish, but I feel he is too. He never told me all this until just a couple months ago and expects me to be okay with this. He says it is his "dream" but I feel he should have known this years ago and told me about this way sooner. I don't want to seem selfish or unfair, but I want my opinion to count.

Any thoughts to this would be so much appreciated!!!

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hi!this is littledangermen from South Africa. Wow! 20 plus years is a lot for someone who is a soulmate if you ask me and for him to split away just like that indeed i think its selfishnesh because as you also said he should have told you months or years ago and you would have handled the the presure in a far more better way. With that being said,you must also look at the bigger picture. First of all its you are not breaking up with the guy just accept that it is now a long distance relationship and needs a lot of commitment from both parties. I am in a long distance relationship too so i know how hard is it especially those negative imaginations about your partner so they are normal just don't motivate them. Keep it in your heard tha he is working there.

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Thanks for your input. Just a side note, its two and a half years so that might change your view on this a little. I don't want to put words in my boyfriends mouth, but he is graduating college in 3 months. He doesnt have a job set up after he is done and I feel that he is choosing this path because he feels lost. I think what I have come to terms with, if this is truly his passion, I should not interfere with trying to change his mind and let hime do what he needs to do. I just dont think I can stay with him on that journey. I just feel lost on this because I thought we were going to stay together for a long, long time and now all of a sudden it seems I have to reevaluate my life because this was just sprung up on me..
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Hi Lavieenrose,

Regardless of whether you guys are going to stay together or not, give him full support. If you don't and he decides to stay because you "forced" him, he will always have that in the back of his mind and blame you.

Now, my guess is that this is just his "fling". What you need to do is, again, give him your support and encourage him. And you have to really mean it. Chances are he will realize that is a bad idea (my guess) and stay with you.

If not, try working it out at first. Don't give up because you think you can't handle it. Don't lose this battle before it even started. Give it a try, you never know how this is going to turn out. Some people handle long-distance relationships without any problems.

Don't feel lost , problems are (sadly) normal part of life. Things happen there's nothing you can do about it. What you can do is learn how to deal with them and move on.
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Thanks. I think I have come to conclusions to support him if this is his decision. I just want to be in a relationship where I actually see my significant other on a daily basis. I want to come home to them not wait for their return. This is my last year of undergrad and I am hoping to go to grad school. I will also be ending my collegiate career as an athlete and now it seems he might not even be here to support me at that. i do sound selfish, i can see that. But in a way, I just wish he had asked my opinion.

Maybe you are right to learn to deal with it, but I can't change the goals I have always had for myself to support a decision he has just made. I guess time will tell, i just never thought I would be in this situation :/
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hi again.Thanks for your reply.I can see that you have made up your mind and who could blame you?to me it seems like you had so many goals about this relationship and you feel like they have been squashed rapidly by a selfish persn,yha thats people!they are unpredictable,you may think you know them while not and thats one of the reasons i trust very litttle in a relationship bcause i hate secreats. I must give credit to you for being so wise,clearly you have not come to this decision over a day and you had to think about all the possibilities that could take place while he is awy(ie "he may not come on your c career graduation")this means he may not be involved in some of the most important events that can take place in your life. So big up and you deserve better,by the way i would love to get a women's advise to my problem sharp.
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Thanks, it is so helpful to hear other people give their opinion on my situation because I really don't know if how I am thinking is actually selfish and I'm a terrible person or if how I am looking at it is appropriate. As much as I want to try and see if it would work out, because i have already invested so much time and love into this relationship, I just know I wouldn't be happy. I still have things to figure out though I guess. And I could give you my opinion/advice if you needed any :)
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To some extent I do agree with littledangerman but....

My opinion is different. "She deserves better"?. Is that suppose to mean that life must go on exactly as we plan it to go or maybe that, "attending important events" is crucial to saving the relationship. Please tell us that is the key to everlasting happiness.

Lavieenrose, is that how you are going to approach life. Give up on obstacles? Just...look the other way and do nothing, yeah that's how it works (sarcastic). I'm sorry if i sound a bit harsh; i just tend to get little upset about these things. Again, life is full of obstacles, problems and life doesn't care about our "plans". You can just make the best out of what you got.

Hypothetically speaking: If you found out that (God forbid) your child is mentally challenged at age 6, what would you do? Leave him? You are not going to be happy with him so why not leave him in a shelter. And then repeat this until you get a perfect results or run out of time. My example is a bit extreme but you get my point.

"I just know i wouldn't be happy" - Seems to me that you already decided to leave him (for other reasons) and you are just using him leaving as an excuse. Who knows, maybe you want to "live" a little more and see things before you settle and that is fine. But don't try to justify your actions on some claim "I know i wouldn't be happy".

That is my opinion. I'm sorry if its rough.
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userk,

I see your point, but these are also things I have thought of. I wanted to hear other people's view on it to understand how other's would handle this situation. I am not one to give up on obstacles, I haven't yet made my decision. However, I don't feel it's entirely fair that I have to drop everything I have worked for in my life to follow him around while he's in the navy. My uncle is in the navy and has been since I was a baby. They have moved all over the country since I can remember, never staying in one place for more than 5 years. I have experience of that lifestyle and it has never been for me. I am only 21 years old, graduating this June, and have high hopes to go back to school for my Masters. I want to be a forensic psychologist and will have an extremely difficult time pursuing that path if I am moving all over all the time.

I am not completely heartless as I am looking out for myself and making sure I don't resent myself for choosing this lifestyle just as you had mentioned to me that he will blame me if I force him not to do this. I have had certain goals since I have entered college and I don't feel it's fair that I have to change everything for something my bf has just discovered in the last month is his dream.

It's obvious that you and I have a little different sides on this, and that's totally fine as I wanted to hear people's different sides, however I believe the situation would be completely different had I made a decision like this so suddenly.
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Hi lavienrose, I don't think you are selfish at all. I would be devestated if after 2 1/2 years and talk of a future together my bf made a unilateral decision that hugely impacts our future together without consulting me. That is a breach of trust, selfish and disrespectful. I'm not saying that he shouldn't sign up, but he should have involved you in the decision and taken your needs and feelings into account. I don't get why anyone ie crazy enough to join the military, but I'm grateful to those that do. My advice is to go on with your plans and see what happens. Your future is important. Get your education, establish a career. As you know, although true love is wonderful a man is not a financial plan. Personally I wouldn't be able to live as a military wife. I want my partner with me and I would want stability for our kids. Just know you are not selfish. You had mutual plans and he has completely shifted the terrain and informed you after the fact. Will he keep doing that throughout your relationship? It's an important question. All the best
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