I don't really know how to start this... to be honest I probably shouldn't even be writing on a site like this. But the answer to why I am here is probably very similar to why really anyone is here... I'm lonely. Everything in my life currently.. feels like absolute sh*t. Things with my job aren't going well, struggles with my anxiety, struggles with the family, struggles with my dream, struggles with women, struggle with acceptance that this world is filled with evilness and just how unsafe we really are in certain situations. Guys.. honestly... I'm terrified. I'm so scared of everything this life has to offer as am I terrified of the inevitable ending of life as well. I'm kind of paranoid even about writing this.. knowing myself I will probably end up regretting posting this.. if I do actually post this, I don't know I guess we'll see. I suffer of severe driving anxiety, driving in unfamiliar places is a big NO NO for me, highways.. no thanks, traffic.. nope. Now, have I been in unfamiliar places, on highways, and in traffic..? yes, yes I have. I hate it every time. Some people I've seen with anxiety say that after they faced their fear they felt very proud of themselves! Well.. for me.. even when I've faced my fears and succeeded.. all I'm think about is "Ah god when am I going to have to do this again? it's just too much, I can't do this" There is only a very short period of feeling proud, then it goes back to just being anxious and worried. That's a bit for my anxiety side of things, now on to other things here quickly. Sexual dysfunction... I watch porn almost every night, masterbuate at least once a night. I've had sex, also had quite a few gorgeous girlfriends as well actually.. I drive them away very quickly with my obsessive sexual behavior unfortunately. Can I just state here for a second.. women are a gift! My life really has had some incredibly bright moments because of the women I've had in my life, both emotionally and psychically! Sorry to clarify this kind of late in this topic, but I'm a young male(Age 21). God damn.. I could write you all an entire essay explaining my intrapersonal drama.. but I will try to keep this somewhat brief. I am in a point of my life currently where my perspective on living and my perspective on others has really hit an all time low. The desperation to find enjoyment in this life is at an extreme. I.. at some point have to choose if I will let my anxiety and unhappiness win, or choose to work hard and find a method to train and build up a structured way to help create a sort of "rethink" or just changing my mindset altogether. I am in therapy, I am doing research and trying methods(honestly probably not as much as I should.. but I am still trying ha). The impatience for things to get better is a very intense sort of stiffening thing. Thank you to anyone that reads this! Ha.. I ended this a little lamely.. but I must sleep now. If you're religious then pray for me, if you're atheist and have no religion in your spiritual belief, then lead me in the best way spiritually that you can offer. Myself.. I'm agnostic. If you were to ask me "Do you think there is a god or not?" My answer is just... I don't know. I will only leave everything to possibly. HA! In fact I'll be the first person to let everyone know that I don't know sh*t about anything! So any agnostics that read... advise me whether it be spiritual advice or not!(And don't get it twisted agnostics can totally be spiritual too!)I appreciate and respect all beliefs and I respect your individuality!
Once again thanks for reading this!
On a side note.. I may have had some bad grammar in this... I apologize for that haha.
A public message and I guess my last thing to say in this post is this..... I Love You.
hey i am wondering are you feeling an better?