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hi,

i am writing because i really dont know what to do anymore. I am 24 and my boyfriend is 22....he is great!we have been together just 2 months,till yesterday really, because i left him. and i did so because i couldnt anymore, in the last month i have been overtaken by fears and doubts at the point that i dont even remember how many meals i skipped!

i would worry from when i wake up till when i go to bed. we both live in france but he is from south africa and im italian. i will be here for sure till the end of march but plannig to stay over the summer, and he is going to be here till october. we said i would follow him in SA afterwards.

All this situation made me so anxious, because i dont know if we will ever make it after the summer, as i dont know if i will find a job and place to stay.he works and lives on a yacht so he is going to be really busy during the summer season...i will feel so bad not seeing him and not being close!!

but this is just on top of what i already feel inside myself.

like i worry about are we gonna last?and if we r gonna last will he be fed up and want another girl as he is younger than me? do i want to give myself to someone that maybe one day will turn his back to me?should i be with someone older? he really loves me, he said he wants my happines. i come from 2 past relationships where i developed anxiety, my ex boyfriend would choose cannabis over everything he promised me he wouldnt do it, he sore on his mums life, and he still did it!he was 27, without a job, without a car. all he cared was smoking!

the other one really was a sex obsessed that all he wanted me to do was me paying everything for him. he would ask pictures of me naked every day!and every and i mean every time we were going to buy food i had to pay!despite the fact he was earning twice as me and i was struggling with money! he eventually would say that he paid lots of times!! he was not social and only wanted to stay at home plays videaogames and watching movies....

i left them both and im so glad i did. i just wish i have never met them, because the feeling i developed from this 2 relationships now have ruined me. i met a great guy and he really is what i always wanted and always looked for. he treates me like a queen, he likes to socialise and we had so much fun together since i met him.

i feel so bad that i dumped him over fears, after all he did for us! 

really the other day he said sometimes he might want to smoke a joint...omg that freaked the hell out of me. and i thought about it for 3 days, thinking its not that bad as he is young and still wants to do some things like that and he guaranteed me he wouldnt do it always as he has a carreer to care about. so in my head i was  thinking...i have to accept this because he is a good guy, i dont have to fear, because he is not like my ex. but then again in the morning i was so nervous about it, the only thing i wanted to hear from him was"allright, considering what u  had in the past relationship its really not so important for me, so im not doing it"...but then i think my boyfriend should be able to do whatever he wants despite what i had in the past relationships, he doesnt have to pay off the mistakes of other people. 

i really dont want another failure, the only reason why i left him is that i thought i had enough of all this thoughts in my head, i want to wake up happy in the morning and eat and sleep properly. cos all these things have been affected hugely in the last month by fears and worries. sometimes i feel so worried that i feel like my hearth literally is going down to my feet...i feel anxiety, i feel anxious if he doesnt call me or if he is out with his friend. i think i have trust issues...its a terrible feeling.

he now said if i ever change my mind he will take me back because he loves me, and i love him too!so much! sometimes i think i wouldnt have fear with an older men, someone with 20 years more than me. i would feel safe and protected, but what my boyfriend does is really wanting to protect me and taking care of me. he is really great... i dont know what to do.

i want to be able to be relaxed in a relationship, to be happy.

do u have any suggestion on what i should do?


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It sounds like you have the belief, "If I let you love me, you will leave me."  People with this belief often panic when they are in a relationship because they worry they will be abandoned.  It is therefore easier to abandon the other person first so they're not the one hurt.

I think it would be best for you to work on this belief.  You made a lot of commitments with your boyfriend is such short a time.  I think it's great to make plans you want to make with a person you want to be with.  However, I think some personal beliefs are getting in the way, so take care of you first.

From your past relationships, it also seems like you were willing to put more into a relationship than the other guy.  Now you have a guy who is willing to put more in.  Does that throw you?  Do you also have the belief "I have to please others to be loved"?  Often this will result in you putting your needs last.  It's also very exhausting.

So I'm going to make a suggestion to do some affirmations.  These are positive statements you say to yourself to assist in changing personal perceptions.  Say them every day, in front of the mirror, at least 20 times each, for at least three weeks.  I know it may feel weird at first, but that's usually because we are saying things to ourselves we don't believe.  How many of us can comfortably say "I'm ugly" to ourselves in front of the mirror?  It's because it's a belief we truly have.  So even if it feels weird, say these affirmations.  You'll grow to believe them.

The affirmations I suggest are:
I deserve to be loved and admired by a healthy, loving person.
I am attracting a man who can and wants to create a healthy, loving relationship with me.
I love myself and approve of myself.
My needs and wants are just as important as everyone else's.
I am just as important as everyone else.

In addition to these affirmations, you may want to think about getting professional help.  See what a psychologist has to say about your panic.
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