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I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 4. We got together in high school and have been together ever since. We have two little girls, ages 3 and 1. We smoke pot occasionally. Since we had kids, my husband has become a completely different person.. he is always angry, and he yells at the kids and me. He is very strong, and when is angry, it's scary, for me and the kids. He has never hit me or the kids, but he grabs there arm, or shoves them to the floor, always making them and me cry. If we don't have pot in the house, we can't even talk to him, he is just so mad. He makes me want to pack a bag and run away, but I could never leave my kids. I don't know what to do anymore, everyday my heart breaks a little more because of him. The girls adore him most of the time and he is a good father most of the time...  I just need advice. Thank you

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Sounds a lot like my father. I wish to god my mother had done what needed to be done before he got worse. he doesnt hit you now..but one day he might. And your children and you are walking on eggshells. I know from experience that at 16 years old i had to leave my home and my siblings and my mother because i couldn't stand back and be afraid anymore. No one would help me so i had to help myself. My mom often regrest her decision to not leave. She wishes she'd taken us and gone. Now because of all of this, my sister is still his...play thing and she is always scared..and she had a daughter. My brother argues with everyone , and thinks my mom is a liar. My mom is now the bad guy and my dad is big bad wolf whom no one can disobey. My sister hates me because my dad convinced her i am this disgraceful horrible person. Dont let it get this far. Dont let that happen to your family. You dont have to keep him from his kids, if he can control his temper then i think its perfectly fine for him to have supervised time. Your children can still have a safe relationship with him. There are lots of programs available to mothers with children whom are in abusive, and emotionally abusive relationships. You do not have to leave your children to make yourself safe. If you dont want to drasticaly leave, then please seeka  doctor and maybe there is something causing his mood swings. Or get him some anger therapy. keeping pot in the house to calm down your husband isnt a long term solution. Your children are also submissivly being taught its okay to use drugs to 'calm down'. Or are learning that yelling is an acceptable behavior. Which is what my brother learned. 

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It hurts to read this. I am, on the outside, a happy, successful woman in a happy marriage. Mu husband has beat me, humiliated me, mocked me, abused me, in front of the kids often. He has threatened me with everything. I don't know what they think about me anymore. Why didn't I leave him long time ago? We have been together for 20 years...I think about divorce every week. EVERY week. But I am still hanging in here. Like so many unhappy women, To begin with, I was financially dependent and SO tired. I could not move. He let me have the main responsibility for two kids, house, company. I did not sleep enough, cause he would physically abuse me if I forced him to get up early in the morning to take the kids, do the housework, whatever. I had lots of fights. I won a lot, lost a lot. We have become better an better friends, he is a much better man today, but we never have sex, and sleep in separate bedrooms. We live like siblings not like man and wife. I have always, deep inside felt stronger than him intellectually, emotionally. That is maybe why I have stayed, and why he has abused me?. BUT, slowly but surely, I am getting tired, As I have always been. I was born into abuse. My mother is dominant, my sister is dominant, my brother is weak and believe the lies my sister and mother tells him, or whatever they tell him .I don't know, I only register that they all fade away from me, except my father, He is old, might die one day soon, and the fight for heritage starts. They will be three against one, that is in my darkest thoughts. My kids are OK, but the youngest is nervous and a bit depressed sometimes. One reason I have not divorced is that I can't trust my husband a s a good lone father, He would be very aggressive, full of revenge and would not hesitate to use the kids and my beloved father against me. I had to choose between them or me. So I stayed. It is easy for others to yell RUN AWAY FROM HIM. Oh my God I would have! But the kids would suffer MORE than if I sacrificed my own freedom and happiness for theirs. My husband would have driven my parents to dramas that would give them heart attacks. So I wait...for the right time, and I'll be out! This is not an answer to others cry for help. just another story to broaden the picture. It is VERY difficult to do "the obvious" run sometimes. I cry for you all.
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I'm in this same boat, though only have been married for 3.5 years. I should have left hearing the first name I was called, but I laughed, who calls people names at our ages (40s)?! My husband still does. There is no why for abuse but for the abusers' insecurity and need to dominate / control or try to control someone through bullying tactics. It's absurd, in my eyes, but it does hurt, nonetheless. I'm trying to get out, though was asked not to work, have no friends in this city while he benefited by my loving to entertain so helped him get promoted to a ... bigger position. I'm stronger intellectually and emotionally also, though the relentlessness of the abusive and manipulative tactics, still affects me. I'm working on things like choosing to ignore him.

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I feel like i am dying here, though my husband doesn't, yet, disallow me access to his income/money, so I'm planning on getting out, and essentially hoarding so I can get out easier/more smoothly.

If we can connect here, please do reach out to me, on occasion I think of something that does vaguely "work". I'm so sorry to hear your story, please keep your kids safe, take them out often, if that's possible for you. It sucks needing to leave your own house, I need to do that too, making me feel homeless basically. Though as long as your kids are with you, they'll feel at home. Does your dad live with you?

Telling the story to ANYONE only, in my experience so far, alienates them, I think most don't know how to respond, and/or, think -you- are the jinx, rather than what I'd do in their shoes, try to help them (me/you), bring over boxes to help you pack things when husband is not around, help you get money and or support. Are you also isolated by friends you tell about this, or do you keep it all inside? I have told people, but feel even more isolated having done so, I think.
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