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My friend and I have been going through a rocky patch lately. I'm graduating from Uni soon and havent been sure what to do with my life, whereas she's been planning it for me- looking at houses for us to move into and getting a dog. I finally decided I'm going to stay on for another year and have agreed to move in with her. But now I'm wondering whether I should. She's doing a law degree currently and I'm going to do law next year. She's been really funny about it, like i'm stepping on her turf or something and trying to lecture me about things which being a year behind me she doesnt actually know about just because, as she says, 'I do law' and I dont yet. I think she feels i'm surpassing her academically because i'm a year ahead, plus she doesnt know what she wants to do with her life yet. She gets super-clingy with me about moving in and today was talking about getting insured on MY car and potentially moving her brother in with us, neither of which she's asked for my input on. Previously she'd decided to move a workmate in with us without asking me. It's like she's trying to control me and I hate it. Another problem is that a guy she hooked up with a while back (who broke it off saying he didnt want to date anyone) asked me out on a date after SHE gave him my number. I get this must be a blow to her since it means he clearly was ready to date, just not her, but she's being really catty about it. She says he'll only mess me around like he did her and that she's tired of being conciliation prize to me (this has happened a couple of times with guys now). But the thing is is that I dont intend to date him, it was her who gave him my number and I've made no advances on him... but she (seemingly deliberately with her overtness) tries to make me feel bad about it. She's obviously insecure (stealing my phone off me to read what he's texted me) but she's getting crazier and crazier. Its like she's getting fixated with me and almost wants to be me in some ways. I don't mean to sound arrogant, I dont wanna be me sometimes lol, but its how it seems. How do I deal with her clingyness, controlling nature, insecurity and jealousy before we move in together and things get worse?

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Keep your individuality.  Your post was confusing.  First, it took a while to realize you're her girlfriend..... otherwise her ex is gay and wanting to date her current boyfriend.  It's ALL very confusing because it would seem that you're just good friends, seeing as you are talking to her ex and seem to have an interest in dating him.  So if you are just friends with this girl, why are you buying a house together and doing "couple things" like getting a dog etc.

If I got the situation right, and it's a tangled web of interpretation, then I'd strongly suggest you remain ON YOUR OWN.  Why would you want to live with someone who'd act so precipitously as to invite other people to move in with the two of you, AND try to plan YOUR LIFE.  She sounds possessive and manipulative.  Meanwhile, YOU seem very unsure of the whole arrangement.  The bottom line is:  GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR OWN INTUITION AND LISTEN TO WHAT IT TELLS YOU.  (it's that feeling in your gut that tries to protect you and that often knows the truth of a situation before you are consciously aware of it.  If only more people respected their intuition we'd have a much nicer world full of far happier people.

You have the answer and moreover you know what it is...... start listening to that voice inside you....... not your conscious mind..... that voice of instinct..... your gut...... your intuition.  It certainly seems to be trying to get your attention.
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This made me laugh because she's not my girlfriend (I'm a straight girl to clarify, i assume you think I'm a guy) but I can see how the coupley things she wants to do would make it seem that way. I'll admit I probably went into rant mode a bit, sorry for the confusion. I've asked another friend for advice who was incredibly shocked to hear about how irrational her behaviour is getting, reading my texts etc, and advised me to toughen up and stop letting her decide things for me. Problem is is I need to determine if things will get better or not as I need to start looking for a place to move into soon.
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6851 posts

I think you would be much better off to stay away from sharing a place with her and maybe even stay away from her, period.

 

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I understood you. I should have said you were here girl friend...... what else do you call a girl whose your friend? i didn't see you as a lesbian couple, but I was confused that you'd let a friend invade your life so completely. Anyway, I wasn't confused by your relationship, especially after you talked about the possibility of dating her ex boyfriend. I was bothered by the rest of your letter as stated in my response.
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I agree with pretty much everyone here.  It doesn't seem like this relationship is healthy for you.

If you feel like she's suffocating you now, imagine how that would be if you two lived together, owned an animal together, drove the same car, and had her brother move in.  I would be overwhelmed by all that.  It really sounds like that's not something you want at all, but you're unsure because she's your friend and, I would guess, has been for years.

I think you should sit down and talk with her.  Politely and calmly tell her how you feel.  If you feel it's not right for you to live together, stick to that.  From your description she sounds rather manipulative, so if she tries to convince you that living together is fine, prepare for that and stick to your guns.  If you want to remain friends, tell her that, just clarify that you two can be friends without being roommates.  Remember to use I statements, like "I think" and "I feel," as people feel less defensive and more understood with these statements.

Best of luck!
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Thanks Bedson Trudeau for your perspective and understanding response, as well as suggesting ways to talk to her :) great advice
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I'm glad I could help! :0)
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