how to handle an abusive boyfriend

Reena over a year ago

Im 24yr girl..i have this guy who was my school friend..i dint know him much until last yr wen all my school group had met..we started liking each others company..but i was hesitant to get into a relationship cuz i was already upset about my previous breakup which was a year prior it..overtime he started consoling me abt my breakup n had been ter for me wenever i felt low..after a few days..,we got into a relationship..n i got to know tat he was dumped too by a girl a couple of years back..so he keeps telling me he's emotionally very sensitive wen it comes to misunderstandings or fights in relationships..so am i..he basically works abroad so ours is a long distance relationship..this year wen he came here, he wanted to break d news to our parents..i was little skeptical abt telling to parents cuz it was only 8 months since we got into relation..n i thought i dint know completely abt him..since then he started saying tat im not serious abt him n i dont love him d way he does n tat il leave him one day..eventually we told our parents abt us..his n my parents were fine with it..since then i dont know wat went wrong with him,he started abusing me for everysmall thing..wen things r fine i pull his leg at times but he doesnt like it..i stoppd it since then..but he starts shouting at me for nothing..i mean for v meagre things..he even goes to an extent of breaking d relationship..this he says everytime theres a misunderstanding..he also says he'l cut my tongue, cut me into pieces, smash my face, n tat im a rag picker, m horrible than a street labourer,hippocrite,rascal,penis head n also says tat my whole family is abnormal..but wen he's fine..he speaks v romantically n at tat time wen i ask him y he spoke to me all c**p he says he was in anger..but while in anger he says he doesnt want a girl like me, n tat i dont deserve him, n he made a grave mistake in loving me n tat his future is doomed..later he says not to consider anything wat he had said..cuz he dint mean any..he'l be fine for 2or 3days wen he says he's so lucky to have me in his life n tat he's totally n madly in love wit me..soon after this he gets angry again for some reason n d cycle starts again..i cry d whole day pleading him not to dump me..but he doesn seem to listen to any..this goes on for 2days n finally we patchup..if i dont call him after fight he gets angry if i call him i have to hear to all abusive words..if i call him n keep silence to avoid more damage he gets angry for not talking to him properly wen hes angry..i dont know wat to believe..he swears tat he hates me wen in anger..he swears too tat he loves me a lot wen hes fine..wat statement shud i consider?? i have postgraduate medical entrance exam next month..n i cant afford to fail in it..getting a placement in a hospital is necessary cuz i have to support my family..m d only child to my parents..they totally rely on me..i dont want to disappoint them..they r everything to me..n my guy doesn seem to stop fighting though im trying my best to keep things fine..watever i mentiond above is just a gist of wat he does i got to face much worse things..n i confess i was selfish at times but it was only for d sake of exams i had at tat time..wat do i do..how do i manage both bf n studies..somebody pls help me im in a very pathetic situation..

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Britt1996prego242024 over a year ago

I'm a younge girl as u are to and the best thing todo is GET OUT of that relationship! U may not want to but u don't want him to really hurt u 1 day

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meera over a year ago

Actually i got dumped badly in my previous relationship..n d only thing i cant stand is infedility..n i know this guy will not do tat to me..he knows how i feel abt it..he had always taken care of tat part of emotion very well..cant i change him?? I know n also read in Wikihow y people abuse..its all cuz of insecurity n lack of trust tat drives them tat way..n i also know tat his family has gone through a very bad phase a couple of yrs ago n at d same time he got dumped by his gf too..sometimes i feel tat its all cuz of situations he turned out to be an abuser..isnt ter any other way out?? Will i have any threat to my life if i marry him?? Isnt it possible to change him with my love??

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reena over a year ago

Sorry meera n reena are one person only :)

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HighlyFavored-Love241065 over a year ago

Okay Reena, let me tell you that theres never any "handling" an abusive boyfriend. Your boyfriend has some very serious issues(maybe from his childhood) and that's why he attacks you in this way.

I have no doubt that he loves you, but you'd have to ask yourself is his "love" bigger than your future? and if his "love" worth your pain?

Wether you stay in this abusive relationship or not is souly up to you my friend, but either way...you shouldn't have to put up with his bi-polar emotions, okay?

I suggest you talk to him about his childhood(when he's in his "good-mood" of course) and why he does all of this to you, if nothing helps then I would get out of the relationship, but that's just me. Whatever you chose to do, my love, is up to you but ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS do what's best for you...never even think twice about doing what's best for you and your family, hun:)

Once you figure out what's best for you, you'll have your answer.

Goodluck & Godbless<3

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Gabcat240870 over a year ago

From what you have typed although I don't know you I am quite worried. I am only 13, younger than you so its up to you if you want to take my advice. I would consider breaking up with him because with someone like that, you never know what could happen. If I was in a relationship like that I wouldn't put up with it for a second! You shouldnt be treated like that. Stand up for yourself, tell him if you are gonna be in a relationship you don't wanna be treated like a his partener one second and s**t the next its just plain unfair. Good luck and I hope all goes well :)

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reena over a year ago

Thank u all for d advice..i tried explaining him how much im getting hurt he just doesnt seem to understand instead blaming me tat im making him do all this..he's even told me to get back to my ex..wtf..its so disgusting..i never thought he'l say tat to me..i hav decided i cannot stay with such person..its just not possible now

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Violet_Ivy212904 over a year ago

Hi Reena,

I'm sorry to read about your situation....and I think you have had some good advice, especially from HighlyFavored- Love. I certaintly agree that there must be something in his history that is impacting on the way he is treating you.

And I'm really glad to read your latest post that you are not staying with him.

First rule about people- you can't change them unless they recognise that they need to change & actually want to change. If you go in to a relationship hoping to change the person you have chosen to be with- why are you with them? Unfortunately, there are people that are good at fooling others in to believing that they are someone they're not. In that case- run. Run for the hills.

A relationship should be complimentry, not controlling. Yes- there will be hard times & arguments, but there should never, ever be derogatory, hellish minefields, aggression, threats of violence & abuse. That's not a relationship- that's a farce & damaging to all involved.

You have mentioned that you are a 24year only-born (no siblings)? And you are responsable for your parents? Did I interpret this correctly? What other things do you have in life other than your boyfriend? Do you have a solid social group or best friend? Are you career orientated or studying, etc?

Being able to stand up to abusive & aggressive partners comes with gaining confidence & independence in other areas of your life. Developing confidence & independence encourages a person to taking back control in the relationship & not back down, when the partner is suddenly nice again.

It honestly doesn't sound like a healthy relationship & I am sure that once you started to 'not give a damn' about being in a relationship- the right one, with the right man will come.

But this man doesn't sound like the right one- you are better off without.

He may well have 'issues', but unless he recognises them himself, you won't make him see the light. By being submissive, you facilitate his behaviour. Being strong and being distant may force him to look at what he did to lose you.

Good luck & I hope your situation improves soon.

V

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reena over a year ago

Thank u violet_ivy for d advice..yes u wer right..m d only child to my parents..no siblings..actually its been my childhood dream to become good doctor..im half way through..done wit graduation..one more exam to go n il be wat i wanted to..in a way i am.career oriented cuz i have come this far n dont want to give up..but i dont think i am emotionally unavailable to ppl who love me..he always says im driving him nuts n tat i dont care for him..may be i did many a times..cuz i used to vent out my frustration on him at times..we talked out our issues n he said both of us need to change our behaviour..i agreed.. i told him i shud conc. on d exam at present..n tat we'l think wat to do with each other after a month..

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reena over a year ago

Cuz m.at home now i gont go out much..I go out wit friends only occasionally cuz my schedule doesn.allow me to..i have 2 v good friends both of them have known me since 7years..i dint discuss my prob with them..cuz i dint want them to think bad about him :(

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reena over a year ago

Moreover..i was very much disturbed after my 1st breakup..i think i really became selfish after tat..selfish in d sense i dint care much abt others feelings..stopped trusting guys..maybe its a protective mechanism tat my mind developed to prevent gettting hurt in future..it can be bcuz of this tat he's not getting wat he expected..furthermore..he also developed some kind of insecurity after his previous breakup..tats y he goes mad if i dont keep up to his expectations cuz he thinks i dont love him if i dont keep up to them..n he never wants to loose his love again..n tats wen he bursts out of anger..i think somewhere even i was at fault..:( i really dont know wats happening..n im sure he really does love me a lot..cuz we faught so bad many times n he still says he loves me.. Hmm :(

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reena over a year ago

N i also feel tat he protects himself from getting hurt too..tats d reason even before i say i dont want him or i want to breakup o anything of tat sort he uses those words on me so tat he doesn his ego doesn get hurt..if anybody has any sol. For this pls advice me

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tcb33243110 over a year ago

From reading your posts...I have to say this boyfriend does not seem to see that his behaviour is a problem. That he thinks it's okay to rant and rave, dump his insecurity and anger on you, then blame you for it...hmmm...doesn't seem like he is interested in changing. I would put it to you this way: if one of your friends that you mentioned were in your situation, how would you counsel them?

You seem like a very famil-oriented, driven girl with intelligence and sensitivity...i think you will make an excellent doctor!! Please don't allow someone else's damage become your "fix-it" project. People cannot be changed by outside forces, only supported in their internal efforts to change.

Good luck!

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tiffanyannemarie243000 over a year ago

Your boyfriend seems to be in a very mentally unstable place right now! You really should get out before you get trapped.

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I Care304625 over a year ago

hi young woman you write a long sad tale here about a 'budding abuser ' make sure you don't stick around long enough in this relationship to help him groom himself into a full blown ' CONFIDENT ABUSER' lord knows we got enough of those hanging around out there TIME TO END YOUR LONG..DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP AND DON'T LOOK BACK .I Care

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