I have no desire for physical contact

Hello,

I have been in a wonderful relationship of almost 4 years. I have never really been one for physical contact at all, but I have worked on that. I don't like to be touched sexually or affectionately by anyone. I have put up a permenant wall and only see sex as a chore that needs to be performed. My boyfriend has been very patient until recently. I have told him that he can go out and have sex with someone else if he needs to or I will pay for it if he needs it. Basically, we are roommates living together and raising our 9 month old son. I just have no sexual desire and when I do get an "urge", I just ignore it and carry on with whatever is going on. When we first got together, I pushed him off as long as I could, but eventually gave in and had sex after 5 months. I just did it because that's what you are supposed to do when you care about someone. I love him so much and cannot imagine my life without him. I just feel terrible that I don't have any drive. What am I going to do? Any help would be awesome right now.

P.S. I'm not in my first long time relationship. I am old enough to know that I need something more, and give more than I am

Dear LissyLou

You are right to conclude "I need something more, and give more than I am". But that will need considering your past honestly and in some detail, and looking for a plan to deal with your problem. You could try professional counselling (where do you live?), or you could try discussing on here, but I don't think there is a magic formula to achieve overnight results.

I will make a few comments and raise some questions as a starter for you to consider.

"I have been in a wonderful relationship of almost 4 years" But it is not that wonderful if "I pushed him off as long as I could, but eventually gave in"
"I have never really been one for physical contact at all" Never? Not even as a child - ever?
"I have worked on that" That is a good start. What have you specifically done?
"I don't like to be touched sexually or affectionately by anyone" But you said "I'm not in my first long time relationship". Has that anything to do with it? What about touching yourself? Have you ever done that?
"I have told him that he can go out and have sex with someone else if he needs to or I will pay for it if he needs it". What was his reaction to that? What do you really think about that? I think that would be disastrous for your relationship, let alone the STI risks!
You say "I just have no sexual desire" but then you admit "when I do get an "urge", I just ignore it" So there is a deliberate supression of the desire. Why is that? What has happened in the past?
"I ... eventually gave in and had sex after 5 months ... because that's what you are supposed to do when you care about someone" There's more to a relationship than sexual intercourse. To go from no contact to full sex is a huge jump. Besides many people don't have full sex until they are married. So it's not something you're supposed to do to show you care.
"I just feel terrible that I don't have any drive" But you do ("when I do get an "urge", I just ignore it"), but suppress it.

I think these are areas you need to consider. It may be painful, but I think there are things to be faced if you really want to progress ... and I believe you can.

If you think I can be of help in this, then just ask (privately if you prefer)