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Me and my partner have been dating for over 1 year now. At first our sex life was So good we would have sex 1-3 times a day some days. Now my partner barely ever wants to have sex or even asks for it. He try's to avoid the topic as much as he can. I feel so low about myself I've never had a bf not wanting sex with me what is wrong?? Even when we try it never as good. There no spark or flame anymore hasn't been for a few weeks now. I love this guy so much. I feel like he's not attracted to me anymore. Even though he says he loves me?? I don't know what I'm doing wrong :( I need the passion back how do I do this?? Could he be cheating on me?? We live together so I can't see how he would have time to cheat but he says that a lot? When someone trying to justify something with anger doesn't that mean there lying? I'm seriously committed to this man,, I just don't understand what I've done wrong!!!

 

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Hi guest, I know how painful this can be. And in a way I think it is worse when you are the woman not getting sex because there is no understanding of that in society and you feel alone and weird. Blokes can go to the pub and they are all complaining that they are not getting enough and they can understand each other. For a woman we want our partner to find us desirable and irresistible. Men are supposed to be wanting sex all the time so if they don't want it with us we feel that something is wrong with us and we take it personally. We feel unloved, unattractive, undesirable and insecure. But not all men want sex all the time. And not all men have a higher sex drive than their female partners. And there are things that are going on in men's lives that mean that they are temporarily less interested in sex than they usually would be such as stress at work.

My ex-husband was always less interested in sex than I was. And I made it worse by putting pressure on him and making him feel inadequate. i didn't mean to but that is what happened. He eventually just withdrew because he could never talk about it. He has since told me that he feels great shame over that. And it was shame that prevented hm from working this out between us.

There is a great book about this called "good loving, great sex" by a sex therapist called Rosie King. It is an Australian book so quite expensive on amazon, but there is a cheap kindle version (you don't need a kindle, you can download a kindle reader for your pc). It is cheap on australian websites but international shipping is pretty expensive. It is a workbook aimed at helping people with what she calls desire discrepancy. It focuses on communication between partners and understanding each other's different ways of approaching sex and coming to an understanding that makes sure both partners feel they are understood and their needs are being met. It is a very sensitively written book that helps both partners empathise with each other. But for this to be helpful you need to work on it together and both be willing to accept responsibility for the relationship. No-one is right or wrong (unless he's having an affair), but everyone is hurting.

It really comes down to communication, and this is where my ex-husband and I failed, he wouldn't talk. It is hard that your bf tries to avoid the topic.  For you to be able to work this out you need him to start talking . Try approaching him when he is relaxed but not involved in something. And rather than making him the problem, no matter how angry you are with him or how hurt you feel, try talking about how you feel. Use "I statements". Say "i feel ..... when ...." Try to avoid statements that will make him defensive, accused or blamed. Show him that you care and ask how he is feeling about things. Putting pressure on him may only make things worse and make him want to retreat and not talk, possibly out of a sense of shame. The book I mentioned above has a section about how to have those types of conversations in a way that encourages everyone to listen without getting defensive.

It is also important to know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are still the beautiful, sexy woman that he fell in love with and you're not doing anything wrong. Sexy lingerie and the like might seem like the answer, and they might have a place, but he really needs to communicate with you so that you can sort out the underlying issues. For years I felt like something was wrong with me but there wasn't. My current partner can't get his hands off me, we have a great sex life and he thinks my ex was crazy for never wanting sex. I guess its also essential to know that the first 6-18 months of a relationship are fueled by hormones that mean  that you are giddy with desire for each other and the drive to have sex with each other takes on a crazy type of urgency and that this dies down over time. It is that "OMG I can't live without you" feeling that settles over time into a deeper but less urgent type of love. That could be where he is at.

It can be complicated, but if you can reassure him that you love him and create an atmosphere where you can both talk and listen to each other from a place of love rather than hurt and anger then you have a chance to make changes that you can both be happy with. This could be an opportunity to deepen your relationship. Of course he needs to come on board. And if he wont talk, perhaps try pouring your heart out to him in a letter. He can't argue with a letter and it might just trigger him to realise how important this is to you and your relationship. As for an affair, I can't say if he is or not. He might be angry and defensive because he has something to hide, or he might be angry and defensive because he has nothing to hide and hates the accusations.

I wish you all the best. I do really know your pain. I hope he can come on board with you and work this out. Take care

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