Impenetrable hymen afraid of losing my BF?

This problem is NOT related to your hymen. The hymen is an extremely thin piece of skin, easily rips without you even noticing it.

It sounds like you suffer from a psychological condition called vaginismus. Vaginismus is actually rather common, however, you probably never heard of it - about 15% of women experience it at some point in their lives. Vaginismus is basically a reflex mechanism - something tries to enter your vagina, and you unvoluntarily tense your vaginal muscles, making penetration either completely impossible or only partially possible and painful. The vagina has some very strong muscles, you may not be aware of. The best way to overcome vagnismus is to seize control of these muscles - look up some female anatomy, make yourself familiar with your reproductive organs. Do pelvic floor exercises, where you tense and relax your muscles. After you think you have enough control over them, try inserting a finger, and work up to having sex with your boyfriend, when you feel comfortable with something the size of his penis inside you.

Vaginismus is almost entirely psychological. By answering some of tehse questions, you will be able to shed some light on what's causing it.
- Have you ever been sexually OR/AND emotionally abused as a child?
- Have you been raped?
- Do you not trust your boyfriend?
- Do you find it hard to let go and are you scared of losing control of yourself?
- Are you depressed? Do you suffer from any mental issues?
- Are you scared of sex for one reason or another?
- Are you scared of the emotional implications of sex?
- Are you religious? Does your religion teach that sex is shameful?
- Do you suffer from a low self-esteem?
- Do you think your female parts are dirty or disgusting?

Think about your attitude towards sex and your own body. If it helps, you could try speaking to a counsellor - but pick a good one! Preferably a sex therapist. And most importantly - speak to your boyfriend about your feelings about sex, he can do a lot to help you. Be honest with each other.

You should not force intercourse - as long as you aren't ready, it will most likely cause pain, further reinforcing your muscle reflexes, making the problem much worse.

ive heard that some people have a thicker hymen, perhaps you should consult a doctor/ nurse to speak with her/him about it? im sure it could be helpful. if its too thick, they can pop it for you.

also, if you are an adult, you could try drinking a little alcohol before. i did that, and it reduced the pain so much. it made my first experience pretty smooth.

take care.

Thanks for your inputs Candy. Tell you what? I have been waiting eagerly to have sex and enjoy it, my bf had issues with it - he has a fetish for my boobs and I have spent 8 months letting him have his way with my boobs. I eventually leaked pale milky fluid in the process. I am lactating at the moment - does this interfere with vaginal muscles?



Now that he is ready and wants sex, I find myself unable to do so....... it's frustrating and most of all very painful. I will try exercises recommended by you, maybe that will help?



No, I haven't been abused at any point in my life and I love my boyfriend very much. I am religious but had no such inhibitions - am into live-in relationship and share the same bed.

Hello Piece

Thanks for your reply. I am beginning to think a thicker hymen could be one of the reasons. Alcohol? ummmmmmmm ok, lemme try

anars wrote:

candyd wrote:

This problem is NOT related to your hymen. The hymen is an extremely thin piece of skin, easily rips without you even noticing it.

It sounds like you suffer from a psychological condition called vaginismus. Vaginismus is actually rather common, however, you probably never heard of it - about 15% of women experience it at some point in their lives. Vaginismus is basically a reflex mechanism - something tries to enter your vagina, and you unvoluntarily tense your vaginal muscles, making penetration either completely impossible or only partially possible and painful. The vagina has some very strong muscles, you may not be aware of. The best way to overcome vagnismus is to seize control of these muscles - look up some female anatomy, make yourself familiar with your reproductive organs. Do pelvic floor exercises, where you tense and relax your muscles. After you think you have enough control over them, try inserting a finger, and work up to having sex with your boyfriend, when you feel comfortable with something the size of his penis inside you.

Vaginismus is almost entirely psychological. By answering some of tehse questions, you will be able to shed some light on what's causing it.
- Have you ever been sexually OR/AND emotionally abused as a child?
- Have you been raped?
- Do you not trust your boyfriend?
- Do you find it hard to let go and are you scared of losing control of yourself?
- Are you depressed? Do you suffer from any mental issues?
- Are you scared of sex for one reason or another?
- Are you scared of the emotional implications of sex?
- Are you religious? Does your religion teach that sex is shameful?
- Do you suffer from a low self-esteem?
- Do you think your female parts are dirty or disgusting?

Think about your attitude towards sex and your own body. If it helps, you could try speaking to a counsellor - but pick a good one! Preferably a sex therapist. And most importantly - speak to your boyfriend about your feelings about sex, he can do a lot to help you. Be honest with each other.

You should not force intercourse - as long as you aren't ready, it will most likely cause pain, further reinforcing your muscle reflexes, making the problem much worse.

Thanks for your inputs Candy. Tell you what? I have been waiting eagerly to have sex and enjoy it, my bf had issues with it - he has a fetish for my boobs and I have spent 8 months letting him have his way with my boobs. I eventually leaked pale milky fluid in the process. I am lactating at the moment - does this interfere with vaginal muscles?

Now that he is ready and wants sex, I find myself unable to do so....... it's frustrating and most of all very painful. I will try exercises recommended by you, maybe that will help?

No, I haven't been abused at any point in my life and I love my boyfriend very much. I am religious but had no such inhibitions - am into live-in relationship and share the same bed.

Even when you are aroused and ready, you can still have this problem. It's not to do with not wanting to have sex. However, what you describe about your boyfriend not being ready for the past 8 months to have sex, but you were, maybe there's something there that is interfeering. Do you feel pressure, now that your boyfriend finally wants sex, to perform well in the bedroom? Are you worried that it might not be a very good experience? Obviously everyone is nervous before losing their virginity, that's normal. Even though your mind is eager, your body is unwilling.

On the note of your hymn being 'too thick', there are only a very few possibilities...
1. You have an imperforate hymen - that can only be the case if your menstural fluid wasn't being released. An imperfonate hymen is a hymen with no holes in it - which is very rare - and it makes it impossible to have your period flow. If that was the case, you would know about it, hence not getting a period. Also, when a baby girl is born, their hymens are checked for being imperforate, and if they are, a minor surgical procedure is performed to avoid any problems in later life.
2. You have a cibriform hymen - that is a hymen with tiny holes in it, not big enough to even insert a mini tampon. However, as I mentioned, the hymen is an extremely thin piece of skin tissue, it rips easily. But having a hymen like that can cause slight discomfort as it stretches when having sex, but not the amount of pain you describe.

The hymen itslef does not dissappear once you have sex - it simply stretches to accomodate the penis, and erodes over the years, depending on how often you have sex. Only women who have given birth have virtually no remains of their hymen - as a baby is much bigger than a penis. Almost every hymen has one or a few holes in it to allow menstrual fluid and vaginal discharge to flow freely.

Lactating is a normal response to having your breasts stimulated over a log period of time, regardless of who or what stimulates it. Your body takes the sign as that there is a baby that needs ot be fed, you don't need to have been pregnant for that to happen. Lactating is caused by a slight increase in the hormone called prolactin. That increase was directly affected by your boyfriend stimulating your breasts. It does not cause any sexual problems. So what you describe about there being milk leaking out of your breasts is also normal.

I would personally read more into the subject of vaginismus and look at treatment options. Most are simple and recovery is almost guaranteed. There are hardly any women out there who have not benefited from treatment.

I do not recommend that you drink alcohol before your first time - usually people who do, report their experiences unpleasant or they can't remember it at all. If having first time sex is special to you, then you want to remember it, don't you? And not have the memory blurred by the effects of drink. Also, you might think that the only way to have enjoyable sex is through consuming alcohol, which could lead to a nasty drinking habit, which trust me, you do not want to experience.

shes right about the alcohol. perhaps one beer wouldnt be enough to blur the memory, but yeah it makes sense. vaginismus is interesting as well. the vaginismus wikipedia page is pretty cool.

Thanks Candy. Yesterday we went to a local doctor who examined me and yes, you are right about very tiny holes in the hymen - my periods though regular - they was very little flow and much painful periods.



The doctor said something about the thicker hymen and the vagina being too tight - not normal as in girls my age - she prescribed some muscle relaxing medications and we tried attempting sex during the night.



With those muscle relaxing pills I was more of a rag doll and yet penetration was very difficult. For the first time my breasts started leaking during foreplay. It took me a while to experience pain, but it did come with even more force. My boyfriend is very understanding and quit before I screamed. I guess anticipating pain is now interfering with my vaginal muscles. He said he could barely manage to push his penis just a tiny winy more before I experienced pain.



We spent the rest of the night cuddling together. Today morning my boyfriend said we could adopt a baby if I cannot have sex and that hurt a lot more than the physical pain I experienced. I want to have my own baby and breastfeed.



I had a look on vaginismus on wikipedia and it does make sense and yes I want my first sex to be a memorable experience

Piece wrote:

candyd wrote:

anars wrote:

candyd wrote:

This problem is NOT related to your hymen. The hymen is an extremely thin piece of skin, easily rips without you even noticing it.

It sounds like you suffer from a psychological condition called vaginismus. Vaginismus is actually rather common, however, you probably never heard of it - about 15% of women experience it at some point in their lives. Vaginismus is basically a reflex mechanism - something tries to enter your vagina, and you unvoluntarily tense your vaginal muscles, making penetration either completely impossible or only partially possible and painful. The vagina has some very strong muscles, you may not be aware of. The best way to overcome vagnismus is to seize control of these muscles - look up some female anatomy, make yourself familiar with your reproductive organs. Do pelvic floor exercises, where you tense and relax your muscles. After you think you have enough control over them, try inserting a finger, and work up to having sex with your boyfriend, when you feel comfortable with something the size of his penis inside you.

Vaginismus is almost entirely psychological. By answering some of tehse questions, you will be able to shed some light on what's causing it.
- Have you ever been sexually OR/AND emotionally abused as a child?
- Have you been raped?
- Do you not trust your boyfriend?
- Do you find it hard to let go and are you scared of losing control of yourself?
- Are you depressed? Do you suffer from any mental issues?
- Are you scared of sex for one reason or another?
- Are you scared of the emotional implications of sex?
- Are you religious? Does your religion teach that sex is shameful?
- Do you suffer from a low self-esteem?
- Do you think your female parts are dirty or disgusting?

Think about your attitude towards sex and your own body. If it helps, you could try speaking to a counsellor - but pick a good one! Preferably a sex therapist. And most importantly - speak to your boyfriend about your feelings about sex, he can do a lot to help you. Be honest with each other.

You should not force intercourse - as long as you aren't ready, it will most likely cause pain, further reinforcing your muscle reflexes, making the problem much worse.

Thanks for your inputs Candy. Tell you what? I have been waiting eagerly to have sex and enjoy it, my bf had issues with it - he has a fetish for my boobs and I have spent 8 months letting him have his way with my boobs. I eventually leaked pale milky fluid in the process. I am lactating at the moment - does this interfere with vaginal muscles?

Now that he is ready and wants sex, I find myself unable to do so....... it's frustrating and most of all very painful. I will try exercises recommended by you, maybe that will help?

No, I haven't been abused at any point in my life and I love my boyfriend very much. I am religious but had no such inhibitions - am into live-in relationship and share the same bed.

Even when you are aroused and ready, you can still have this problem. It's not to do with not wanting to have sex. However, what you describe about your boyfriend not being ready for the past 8 months to have sex, but you were, maybe there's something there that is interfeering. Do you feel pressure, now that your boyfriend finally wants sex, to perform well in the bedroom? Are you worried that it might not be a very good experience? Obviously everyone is nervous before losing their virginity, that's normal. Even though your mind is eager, your body is unwilling.

On the note of your hymn being 'too thick', there are only a very few possibilities...
1. You have an imperforate hymen - that can only be the case if your menstural fluid wasn't being released. An imperfonate hymen is a hymen with no holes in it - which is very rare - and it makes it impossible to have your period flow. If that was the case, you would know about it, hence not getting a period. Also, when a baby girl is born, their hymens are checked for being imperforate, and if they are, a minor surgical procedure is performed to avoid any problems in later life.
2. You have a cibriform hymen - that is a hymen with tiny holes in it, not big enough to even insert a mini tampon. However, as I mentioned, the hymen is an extremely thin piece of skin tissue, it rips easily. But having a hymen like that can cause slight discomfort as it stretches when having sex, but not the amount of pain you describe.

The hymen itslef does not dissappear once you have sex - it simply stretches to accomodate the penis, and erodes over the years, depending on how often you have sex. Only women who have given birth have virtually no remains of their hymen - as a baby is much bigger than a penis. Almost every hymen has one or a few holes in it to allow menstrual fluid and vaginal discharge to flow freely.

Lactating is a normal response to having your breasts stimulated over a log period of time, regardless of who or what stimulates it. Your body takes the sign as that there is a baby that needs ot be fed, you don't need to have been pregnant for that to happen. Lactating is caused by a slight increase in the hormone called prolactin. That increase was directly affected by your boyfriend stimulating your breasts. It does not cause any sexual problems. So what you describe about there being milk leaking out of your breasts is also normal.

I would personally read more into the subject of vaginismus and look at treatment options. Most are simple and recovery is almost guaranteed. There are hardly any women out there who have not benefited from treatment.

I do not recommend that you drink alcohol before your first time - usually people who do, report their experiences unpleasant or they can't remember it at all. If having first time sex is special to you, then you want to remember it, don't you? And not have the memory blurred by the effects of drink. Also, you might think that the only way to have enjoyable sex is through consuming alcohol, which could lead to a nasty drinking habit, which trust me, you do not want to experience.

shes right about the alcohol. perhaps one beer wouldnt be enough to blur the memory, but yeah it makes sense. vaginismus is interesting as well. the vaginismus wikipedia page is pretty cool.

Hello Piece
Thanks once again. Rest assured I am planning on all therapies and maybe even surgery to be able to have sex and have a baby. For the time being am considering a break before I can have sex. I need to get over the this feeling of pain - which am afraid is now always at the back of my mind. Is there something I can apply to numb the pain?

So did the doctor say that you do definitely, for 100% have a cibriform hymen [hymen with only tiny holes in it]? If so, I'm surprised she did not recommend surgery. It's a very minor procedure, all they would do is remove most of your hymen under general anaesthesia. It would not solve your problem completely, but it would probably help. Also, for simple health reasons, it could help with your periods.

Muscle relaxants are not much different from alcohol in this aspect, basically the principle is that they work by reducing the number of brain signals that are sent to your muscles to contract. However, they do not stop them entirely, of course, otherwise you wouldn't be able to move. Muscle relaxants are sometimes prescribed for the treatment of vaginismus, though only if most other treatments have failed. It is obvious that they do not work for you, so you can cross them off the list, at least. It's probably a better idea to try anti-anxiety medication rather than muscle relaxants, though still not recommended because of the addiction potential, and most of them will somewhat impair your memory and focus. I guess if everything fails, you could give them a go.

I think you should see your doctor again and talk to her about seeing a therapist/or a gyno who will refer you to have surgery. Probably taking both courses of action would be the best. Also gynos may know better sex therapists to refer you to, than a normal doctor who does not specialise in female health.

It's good that you're boyfriend is understanding, as it will make it easier to attend couple's therapy [if you choose to in the end]

Hi Candy

Thanks for your replies. I have a surgery scheduled next week :) Hope that solves my problems?

I have the same problem as you, anars, and have been told by a doctor I need surgery before I can so much as insert a tampon properly... Emotionally distressful to find out, to say the least.  So you're right, it absolutely is a medical condition.  Please let me know how your surgery goes, I plan on having one soon as well.  Good luck and glad you posted!

No, I did not opt for surgery since I ended up being groped by a lab assistant and that added to my negativity for a surgery. I took a break - extra long and then attempted sex. This time I asked my boyfriend to ignore all screams and just 'get on with it' and finish it.

I must say that it was way too painful when he thrust in real hard and forcefully, it was as if I am tearing up inside. I bled a lot. Any movement would aggravate the pain, but it was done!

He stayed in the same position quite long before my pain subsided to tolerable level and then enjoy what we had begun - with every single thrust the pain gradually lowered in intensity.

As his thrusts grew wild and wilder I did experience an orgasm. We had sex five times that day - someone may laugh, but it just happened.

Next day when we were together we had nothing except sex on our minds and we tried different positions - but I prefer him on top of me where we can have deep penetrative sex. We must have broken all records for sex by this time. Everytime he cums inside me, but I don't see myself getting pregnant because am breastfeeding. But i am hoping to get lucky soon and get pregnant!

We had sex - successfully! Am a woman finally!