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Me and my husband have been together for almost 3 years now. We are both 25 years old. Neither of us drank before marriage.

I must admit our marriage isnt one of the greatest. We started drinking together in the beginning just for fun and to pass time. We drank once a week got drunk and that was it.

As time went by, we drank more, two times a week, three..four..

Now 3 years later, I cut down on my drinking just recently. I now drink once or twice a week and not really to get wasted.

But, I am very concerned about him. He now drinks half a bottle of vodka every night. That is equal to around 10-15 drinks a day. He has been doing this for about 6 months now...and he is slowly drinking more and more...

The issue here is, that he drinks alone. And he drinks at home.
He drinks at night. And drinks until 5-6am then comes to bed when I get up.

He drinks alone because if he drinks when I am awake I will tell him to stop. So this is the best way for him to be left alone and do whatever he wants.

When he drinks, he talks on the phone to his friends. He talks and talks for hours. Now I know for sure that hes not cheating on me. Because he only has male friends.

My husband is not from Canada. He is from another country. I think he is not adjusting well here because he never goes out, he never takes me out. His job is on call and he hardly goes to work.

When I ask him why he drinks so much, he says he has nothing better to do. I on the other hand have small projects I work on at home, I go to the gym, I bike, I go to friends houses etc. But he does none of this.

Nobody knows he drinks. Not even the friends he talks to on the phone.

We have had many fights about alcohol. I hate him when he drinks so much. Why cant he control himself? I controlled myself? 2 years ago we both drank the same amount. How come he just cant slow down? Once he starts drinking, he just keeps going and going until I dont even know, because I go to bed before he does.

I dont know what to far I just let him do what he wants because there is no option. I cant take away the alcohol. He would kill me.

Also when he drinks he yells at me, and becomes verbally abusive, mean, loud and irrational. When I aks him about it the next day, he doesnt apologize. All he says is "dont make me mad and I wont yell".

I am sick of this and I feel so alone. I dont like sitting with him when he drinks so I lock myself in my room and go to sleep. I am so close to leaving him..but I dont know what to do.

Should I be mean to him? Should I be nice? Should I not care? Should I turn my back? Should I pertend like nothings wrong? Should I encourage his drinking? Should I buy him alcohol? Should I give him money to buy it?

Please help I am desperate...=(


The time for an ultimatum has come. It's either you and the marraige or the bottle. Suggest, wait no, don't suggest, demand that he get some counseling from AA. He is an alcoholic, period. You go to the meetings with him, you are in this together. And what is this stuff? Don't make me mad and i won't yell at you!!! Okay then, that would happen once in our home. You are his wife and you must demand respect, or else. I don't care if it's the side affects from him being drunk, no way do you deserve being treated like an ass. Speak up and tell him where it's at! This is what i want you to do, then proceed from there. Don't ask him if it is something that he would like to do either. You don't have to be mean to him, just find your voice, half of that marraige is yours too. You can be nice, you should always try to be nice to your partner, just don't be sickening sweet. You can be a loving wife, just use a little authority. Turn your back only after you have exhausted every option. Do not pretend that there is nothing wrong, you will be telling a lie. Your marraige is in a world of sh*t so don't pretend that everything is hunky dorey. Do not encourage him to drink, you are just adding insult to injury and you are not helping him or your marraige. Do not buy his booze at all. Why would you have to give him money to drink on? Doesn't he make his own booze money?
Put it out there girl, it's either sh*t or get off the potty. It's your turn to be in charge now because obviously he is so wasted all the time that he can't even make a decision to stop drinking. No one else knows he drinks because he is considered a closet drinker, they are the worse kind. I was raised by alcoholics and it was an awful childhood. Get it now or get out of the marraige. The decision is yours.



Thank you for ur response. Its just not that easy to leave a person, especially ur own husband. I know I am in distress when he drinks so much but maybe just maybe he will change in time. I know that I have read so much on this and ppl only change once they quit for good. but a few nights ago he only had 2 drinks and then last night he bought some wine to be healthier (lol i dont know if he really understands yet)..but...when he puts in the effort to try to STOP or try to listen to me, then why should I leave him?

This has been going on for a while but this is the first time he has every TRIED to stop thats a good sign. I think the best thing right now for him is for me to be with him and help him through him to be normal once again..if I am the one nagging and yelling and crying and screaming then it will push him to do it more...(I would if I was him)...

So I mean, I am gonna give this a big big try...and let him do this on his own...I am glad we dont have children yet, but he has said that he would never drink if he was a father. So I believe him...

I know I shouldnt wait until I become a mother to see if he is telling me the truth, but what else can i do but trust him right now?

Thanks for ur advice...I will try to keep u posted on his progress.


I didn't tell you to leave the marraige until you have exhauseted all avenues. If he is trying to come back to normal on his own, that's fine. Maybe he has seen what his ways are doing to you. But...Tho he had 2 drinks only and he changed to buying wine, he is still an alcoholic. There is no need to for you to nag and yell and scream, but you said you would do the same thing if the situation were on the other foot. You are trying to make a justifacation for his behavior.
You must be strong for him. If he has chosen to rise above this problem, good for him.


I had typed up a response that was like nine pages long, but it just doesn't get the point across quite as well as what I'm going to say. I've been through a situation strikingly similar, only I was in your husbands position, not yours.

That's all that you really need to know about my history, but it might help to know that I don't drink anymore, my wife and I are still together, and judging from what you've said, my drinking problem was way further along than your husbands. Other than that, the stories sound almost identical.

So as much as I'm sure it won't make you feel any better, I think that knowing what's coming will help you in the long run.

The bad news is that no matter what, things are going to get a whole lot worse before they get any better (assuming you want them to be better permanently and not just every other week).
The good news is that the absolute scariest part of it will be when you face the uncertainty that comes with forcing your husband to choose between you and the alcohol.

I wish there were something else I could say but I honestly don't believe there is.


 I spent my whole life intermittently drinking at the venues I worked as a musician 5 -6 nights a week.I never kept alcohol at home except when my dad inlaw visited and I enjoyed joining him in large whiskies and sodas until he left a few days on.Then I had shoulder replacement surgery with terribly painful only do evermore rigorous training and drink gallons of water and juice and eat well.Then one day I had some whiskies and sodas and for the first time the agony in both shoulders,spine(top to bottom),hips,ankles,knees,elbows and toes and the big killer for me..My Hands,started to let up.So I would do gym as often as possible(best results).But when it all got too much for me,I would binge on whisky as my day off from painful excercise.Iv'e been up to 2 weeks alcohol free yet suffer no withfrawal.Then drink a couple of times a week when the cold crucifies my hands..Is it because I do extremely rigorous excercises,static weights.hectic cardio for 20 min.s that purges me all the time enabling me to stop without side effects for such long periods..or am I an intermittent alcoholic?